[karen65]

First, I want to say that the idea is unfathomable. I have no memories, and just the idea of it seems inconceivable. I simply cannot believe I have been abused, and maybe it is purely my imagination (which is VERY messed up to have such doubts of sexual abuse), but let me explain.

I'm a 17 years old girl. When I was 5, I was obsessed with "touching" other girls of my age. When we would play outside, I would make them show me their private parts and touch them against their will... This is a memory I had completely forgotten until I started writing this post, and it makes me feel horrible and disgusting.

When I was 6-8 years old, I discovered pornographic tapes in my parents bedroom. I started watching the videos and liked it, although I don't think I understood what it was at that age. When my parents were gone, I would sneak in their bedroom and watch. My big brother (3 yrs older) was aware of it, and didn't understand my 'obsession'. Later, my parents learned about it, chastised me, got rid of the videos, and no one ever mentioned it again.

Now, some reasons why I'm having doubts are:
-I hate physical contacts, especially with males. I hate hugs, but especially anything coming from a boy/man. When my dad touches me, my body tenses up and it's extremely uncomfortable.
-I'm EXTREMELY jumpy - startled very easily (which my brother teases me about, but trust me, it's NOT amusing at all)
-I rarely make eye contact (I have read that it is a sign)
-I have a phobia of the dark (not just a fear, a real phobia)
-Inability to trust people
-I have also been diagnosed with social phobia and an eating disorder
-Reluctance to be in any relationship (never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, and I want that to stay that way. Not forever, but for now)
-I have an extremely low self-esteem and a need to constantly be in control
-I have a really high libido, and masturbate more than the average girl (I'm still a virgin), but again, it might just me being a horny teenager. Only, I have rape fantasies. Helpless women being forced and called degrading names turns me on, and it makes me feel ashamed. I would never want to be raped, and yet...

Anyway, I have a few signs of child abuse, although I don't remember anything. My mom or my brother would never have done anything to me, and neither would my dad... I mean, I know my dad has already physically harmed my brother when I was around 2 years old, that he used to be violent (my mother and my uncle told me), but he loves me and would never hurt me... There's no way he would have done anything to me. He loves and adores me. I have already witnessed him "touching" my cousin's part, but just joking around... I know, it's disturbing, but I was around 12, and I'm pretty sure it was innocent. My cousin was 11, and I know it sounds weird, but there was nothing sexual about the act... He kind of squeezed while laughing, and... Oh god, it totally sounds creepy, but I swear my father isn't a bad man.

What I'm saying is, IF I was molested (which I doubt), there's no one in my surrounding I think that could have done it. Maybe I'm just seriously weird... What do you think? I have been having this weird feeling for a while of having been molested, and recognized in myself some signs of child abuse... It's crazy because I have no memories, and I strongly doubt something has happened to me, but I can't help but having this feeling... And what's worse is, if NOTHING happened, why would I have this feeling? Am I just completely f*cked up or something? What's wrong with me?

Thank you

[blueredgrey]

Dear Karen65,

Are you currently consulting a therapist. It would be a good idea as they would be in a better position to analyze it.

What you have described could indicate sexual abuse at an early age. It may have been your family or someone your family trusted (say an uncle or family friend). Maybe something happened when you were a toddler? Ppl say that you may not remember abuse, but abuse always finds one way or another to come out.

Kindly start consulting a therapist.

Good luck!

[Luce]

My take is threefold. Firstly, if something did happen at some point and you don't remember it currently, then it is highly unlikely that you will be able to trust the accuracy of any 'memories' you may discover in the future.
Secondly, issues like social phobias, eating disorders, fear of relationships and inability to trust people have many MANY different causes, and the treatment any of them does not necessarily require the identification of their origin.
Thirdly, if you actively go looking for sexual abuse in your history you will likely find it - whether it truly happened of not.

[healingme4me]

The shaming over the discovery of pornography,,could of had an effect, on you.
What, happened, to your brother?
The five year old behavior of yourself, doesn't necessarily mean, you'd been sexually molested prior, your aggressive behavior, about it, could mean home life was volatile, but doesn't mean nothing prior, either. Being in touch with early memories, is difficult.
Off the top of my head, i can't think of why rape fantasies are common. They just are, it's fantasy.
Something, to work through, in therapy.

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[prabs]

Dear karen65,

Do you know one thing, we ALWAYS find what we look for.

If you start to look for it consciously, you are actually convincing yourself again and again that something wrong has happened to you, and then it will become a part of your permanent memories. At that point of time it will be very difficult for you to get rid of your newly created memory.

Can you really afford to do it?

You are a young person. Change your focus on to something constructive rather than destructive. Use your energies to make your life better.

Bless you.

[Big Mama]

I have learned that anything is possible. I have been reading "The invisible wound" a survivors guide to child sexual abuse. It has been most helpful to me in helping to put missing peaces together.

I have similar issues as you do. I have lots of signs, lots and lots. But I have no whole memories. I have little bits and pieces, some strange dreams, weird sensations but no hard evidence. I have found some interesting things out about my family. I have discovered more strange things about me. The T tells me, to write down everything I think and dream in a note book for future reference. Even if something didn't happen sexually as a child I certinly have things to be worked threw.

I am like you. I really don;t want to think it was my dad. I love my dad. I don't want what ever I do find to tear my family apart. So do we go on living as nothing happened because it might not have or do we press the issue and find mental peace but risk tearing apart my family. IDK the right answer.

Just know that I do hear you. I do understand how frustrating it can be. I would find a T to talk to about this. If you ever need anyone to talk to please don't hesitate to PM me. Feel free to look around on my name, I have posted lots of threads regarding this very issue. Maybe something there could help you to.

Again if you need anyting feel free to PM me. Big HUGS (if it is ok)

[Roblovescats]

In trying to understand my hypersexual issues that I know now are a result of bipolar I was talked into believing that I had been abused. I bought books and read about it and even found something in my past to fit it but now I know I wasn't ... In my severe depression I went looking for answers and people gladly talked me into thinking there was something that really wasn't ... As others said ... If you go looking for it, even if it's not real, you will find it. You don't need to. I agree with finding therapy and getting help going forward. Just my experience ...

~Sent from Dark Side of the Moon~