Possible trigger. PLEASE HELP. Any advice or opinon appriciated PLEASE

Im really struggling at the moment. I am coming to terms with that a guy I loved used me for sexual favours, and did something bad (possible sexual assualt, Im still having a really hard time accepting this).
I keep finding ways to defend him... "It could have been worse", "he could have carried on", "it only lasted a few minutes", "maybe me pulling away wasn't a clear enough sign (I consented initially, though I didn't want to)", "he wouldn't do that, why would he?"...
This constant, all the time, 24 hours a day. Im really really struggling. I was starting to realise it maybe wasn't okay, but now all the confusion, doubt, disbelief is back.
I try not to think about it, but there are triggers EVERYWHERE. The thought of him makes me feel scared.
I need answer to these questions, but Im not sure I'll ever get them...
Any advice/opinion appreciated.

Get away from him immediately. My ex forced himself on me, thought it was his "right" since we were married. Bull****!!! I didn't leave him then...I was young and stupid...know what?...the next thing was a black eye. You deserve better, you REALLY do!

It happened 3 years ago. Sorry I didn't make that clear. But I cant move on. It controls my whole life.
I'm sorry to hear what happened to you.
Thank you for your reply.

Oh my, short of saying stop letting it define who you are, have you spoken to a counselor about it.?? Seems like you think you did something wrong, which you didn't!

I suggest you contact RAINN...I have heard excellent things about them.

Thank you both for replying.
hannabee, yes. I have been seeing a counselor about it , and a number of other issues, for the past 10 weeks. I do blame myself. Its easier than trying to understand how somebody could do that somebody else. I cant accept it due to the questions I listed in my original post..

nicoleflynn, I have looked into them. But I live in the UK and believed that is based in US.. Thank you though

There is NO way to understand the evil things people do. Tr y to put the blame where it belongs. Knowing the difference between YOUR stuff and THEIR stuff is a big key in life. As far as RAINN is concerned can you not communicate with them on-line? Stay in counseling....Hugs, Nicole

P.S. If someone else came to you and told the same story you just shared here, perhaps you could think of this in that way.....You wouldn't blame that person, I am guessing.

nicoleflynn, I'm not sure if I can still communicate with them. I will look into it. And I am trying to place the blame where it should go. But I cant because of the questions in my orginal post stopping me from doing this and moving on.
I've tried that but it doesn't work. I think it would be disgusting if it happened to anyone else. But he deserved to treat me that way... Because I dunno... Hes better than me.