again?????

I'm not new around here but I have yet to share my story. I'm not sure I'm ready to disclose everything, but here's something that has been bothering me lately. For most of my life, I've had to give up control of my physical body to someone else. This was due to many factors. I have a physical disability that leaves me confined to a wheelchair. In my lifetime, I've had 18 surgeries related to the disability. Add to that being molested as a youngster. I've had little control over what happens to my body and when. I have, as an adult, slowly been regaining control these last few years. That is, up until I broke my neck in October of last year.......I went from being mostly independent to being mostly dependent again. I feel, though they are different circumstances, that I've become the victim again. Due to the extent of the injury, I had to relearn how to feed myself along with other basic functions. I still cannot dress myself independently. Using the bathroom is something I also still cannot do. This makes me feel all over again like my body does not belong to me. I've suffered from depression most of my life and have recently taken up the habit of self-harming. However, I feel trapped lately as I cannot hide anything I do to my body in the way of self-harming from my mother, who is also my current caregiver. I feel as though I am no longer in control of what happens to my body. Due to her being my caregiver, she has "full-access" to parts of my body I wish to keep private but cannot. It seems I am back to being that little girl undergoing surgeries and abuse all over again. Can anyone relate? How can I have a sense of ownership of my body while being cared for by my mother?????
toes

Hi, really feeling for you. I can understand how you may be feeling, exposed/vulnerable/helpless (??) right now, but maybe try to see the support your mother is giving you as a "functional" thing. It needn't necessarily take anything from you as YOURSELF. You're still entirely that in your head, in your mind, in your thoughts, in your opinions..........in just being you. And that can be so much stronger so much more "real" than "physicality".
And now you can speak up so much more and say what you want than when you were a youngster.
In fact, when your mother is giving you support are you "leading" that? saying exactly how you want it? I'd say that control in that area is SO important e.g. do you want her to put your socks on after your jumper or before? left or right first? If you haven't any preferences maybe think of some and that still allows for your individuality.
I know you probably want her support to be as quick as possible (maybe try to block out/or just feel uncomfortable) but it might help if you stretch it out to be able to do as much as you can yourself even if it takes 15 mins just to pull up a sock (that is still independence, that is still you taking control!!)???
It does sound like you've come a long way though, although "feeding yourself and doing basic functions" might seem smallish (?), not yet enough to you, that is a major accomplishment!! And in such a short time!!! So perhaps have a lot more confidence in YOU. Regaining as much function as you can, can take time, practice, persistence (as I'm sure you know!) but you're making BIG tracks, perhaps just focus on the goal- to do as much as you can- and try to do as much as possible. Even "exercises" can help a lot. Have you had anyone like a rehab or Occupational therapists (at least they're called that in my country ) helping you? And maybe groups/social groups for people who have experienced neck/spinal injuries? It can help some people knowing/sharing with others who are going through/have been through the exact same thing.
And, do you think talking to your doctor about your depression might help whether that's through shorter term medication and/or counseling/therapy??
But remember you are STILL YOU, and you CAN still have hopes, dreams and goals personal/meaningful to you!!!
But best wishes and if you want to talk more.....here for you.
Alison

Alison
sorry it took so long to reply. I guess i had to process your reply. thanks for the encouragement and support. I will take your suggestions and put them into practice where and when I can.
Toes

I can see how it would be difficult to have your mother caring for you rather than a profession caregiver who is not related. I know that the boundaries with my mother are different. I have to worry about hurting her feelings. You have to deal with a relationship as well as your recovery in one. I don't know what type if relationship you have with her. I pray that she is not abusive, even emotionally in any way. If so, do you have the option of having a different caregiver?