I'm not sure my experiences count as 'sexual abuse', but It has left a lasting impact on my life.

When I was 9-10, there was this older kid downstairs, i had no friends of my own age so we did stuff out together. He had this 'side' to him, he'd see up my pants and stuff, I'd tell him to stop doing it, but he wouldn't, and it's nothing something I'd tell.

But then one day, I was sleeping with face down on my bed, he snuck in, and all of a sudden.... I am very very torn up about saying this but... he started dry humping me. I had no idea what was happening, but It felt good, I did NOT try to get him off of me, I was kind of liking it, as guilty and humiliated as I am in admitting it today. My mother stopped him, she did not know what he was doing, she thought he had pinned after we were 'play-wrestling'. I liked this kid more after that, even though we never spoke about what he tried to do, I thought it was a good feeling. I did enjoy his company all the time.

for the next few years, I only had pleasant memories of this incident, but many years later, I was shocked, and horrified by what he was trying to do to me, and even more repulsed with MYSELF because I didn't try to get him off and had pleasant memories of it too. I felt sick, I wanted to confront this guy, but ultimately didn't want to. 'maybe he changed' I thought?

At 12-13, I was bullied a lot, mostly for being weak, fragile, looking like a girl and because I cried way too easily. There were a bunch of mean kids, who made everyday at school a nightmare. It started just like normal bullying, they'd take my money and stuff, but then it took a more sexual tone when they discovered my weakness. One of my bullies touched my thighs accidentally and this aroused me, and they noticed it like the bunch of sharks they were. They all got together, and just touched and felt up my thigh and would see me get hard. I couldn't control getting arousal, it wasn't 'pleasant' by any means. I would get so aroused that i'd wet myself in front of them, sometimes i'd be crying, which didn't matter to those monsters. They did more horrible things to me like strip me, but I don't want to talk about it yet. They touched me in ways I wasn't comfortable with.

I never told anyone about the extent of my bullying, but I did hint it to my loved ones. They'd ask me to 'toughen up'. I cried almost every single day as a kid, but I don't cry now. Coupled with this is the facts that I was never comfortable as a boy, and often wanted to look like a girl. and the fact that I had confusing sexual thoughts.

I have such guilt because in the past I've had borderline 'pleasant' memories of them, (especially the incident with kid who lived downstairs) even though I never enjoyed it when it happened.

I've changed now, and it's not something I recall fondly, it is actually kind of traumatic now. It makes me sick and disgusted about those people, but I'd like to think it was just a phase they had, and are now completely changed, sane individuals who probably think differently.

Was it abuse or something else? Why haven't I always hated what happened to me? I feel like these incidents have shaped me, in some way? Could it possible?

Just for the record, my understanding of my own self is that I'm Transgendered, and yes, I do feel attraction towards guys.

[mazing]

First of all, no matter what you felt at the time or the way your body reacted this is not your fault. At that age children don't often understand what is happening and their bodies react positively because of the hormones and natural reactions. That doesn't mean that you were in the wrong in any way. No-one should ever be put in that kind of situation until they can give informed consent. At that young age children don't have enough understanding to do that.

I'm sorry you experienced so much bullying as well. Kids can be so cruel sometimes but it should never happen.

I would definitely say you have experienced sexual abuse. While it is tricky with kids who perpetrate and whether they are in the 'wrong' it still isn't any less traumatic for the survivor. Those incidents often do shape us in some way and may have contributed to your views and emotions now but often we never know. All of us are a weird, wacky combination of genetics and environmental factors

If you are having ongoing negative emotions or reactions I would really suggest you consider speaking with a therapist if you haven't already. It can be very confusing and complicated, especially for survivors of childhood abuse, to come to terms with what happened. As you become comfortable and are able to talk about it more a good therapist may be able to help you explore what happened in more detail and find ways to move forward.

Also, it seems like this may be one of the first times you have talked about the abuse. That is an amazing step and should be recognised. I know it can't be easy to write about those experiences. But it is a great step forward. It's in the open - it's not just your secret burden to carry. In time, it does get easier to begin to talk about more details and can be a very healing experience to let some of it off your shoulders.

Yes, this is indeed the first time I've talked about the abuse. Never felt comfortable telling it, even online. I've always been afraid of one thing, people viewing me differently after I tell them this.

I have a distrust of people, I keep my secrets well, even if it sort of hurts me inside. I don't have anyone in my life who I can confide with all this. Not a single one. Let alone trust a therapist.

I don't know if these events influenced my sexuality, but before that first incident, I didn't know anything, it sort of introduced me into it. but i think it definitely has influenced the way i trust people, i am generally more trusting of older women, if i ever have to talk. I don't know about therapists, and I'm not very trusting of them for no reason, if you ask me. I'm too obsessed with how other people see me.

The one thing for me is that I forgive the people who 'abused' me but I can't seem to forgive myself. I've read hundreds of stories about abuse, but I don't recall one of them reacting positively, which lead me to believe there is something not quite right? imagine I told this to someone, they could think I'm 'sick'. That's what I've been afraid of. What if somebody gets offended "You think abuse is good?". I know how impulsive people are, jump to conclusions.

I still have my troubles, random things such as books, or tv shows can make me remember it, and i feel horrible sometimes. Most of the time, I'm ok.

I have a lot of confessions to make but not in the depression sub forum, but in the gender issues and transgender sections.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me mazing. It means a lot, I wonder if there are people who can understand me as well as you do in real life. Real life scares me. You tell someone something, and there's no way of knowing if it'll end up in the wrong ears.

[mazing]

Unfortunately I think we have all had experiences, both online and in real life where people have been less than supportive. But I do want to encourage you that there are also people out there who will understand and support you through this. When you are ready they can be a great comfort.

It is terrifying to begin to open up about any past abuse, especially something that can bring back so many confusing thoughts and emotions but you are doing amazingly well starting by sharing here with us. It's ok if you're not ready to share more - it's all in your own time But if you ever want to share more here we are always happy to listen and give shoulder to lean on when you need it.

The stories of abuse don't always tell the full story. There are a lot of people who have conflicting or positive reactions. It is a way that our bodies naturally react physically and emotionally it is often a way of trying to protect yourself from the trauma and negative emotions. There is definitely nothing wrong with you for reacting the way you did. I know that some people may not understand that but it is normal. Forgiveness and moving forward takes a lot of time and work but be gentle with yourself. You are making great steps forward and starting that journey. You can get there

Also, if you ever want to talk privately please feel free to contact me. No pressure if you don't want to, but I'm always happy to listen.

Originally Posted by mazing

Unfortunately I think we have all had experiences, both online and in real life where people have been less than supportive. But I do want to encourage you that there are also people out there who will understand and support you through this. When you are ready they can be a great comfort.

It is terrifying to begin to open up about any past abuse, especially something that can bring back so many confusing thoughts and emotions but you are doing amazingly well starting by sharing here with us. It's ok if you're not ready to share more - it's all in your own time But if you ever want to share more here we are always happy to listen and give shoulder to lean on when you need it.

The stories of abuse don't always tell the full story. There are a lot of people who have conflicting or positive reactions. It is a way that our bodies naturally react physically and emotionally it is often a way of trying to protect yourself from the trauma and negative emotions. There is definitely nothing wrong with you for reacting the way you did. I know that some people may not understand that but it is normal. Forgiveness and moving forward takes a lot of time and work but be gentle with yourself. You are making great steps forward and starting that journey. You can get there

Also, if you ever want to talk privately please feel free to contact me. No pressure if you don't want to, but I'm always happy to listen.

Thank you very much for the opportunity, It gives me comfort.