Misconceptions about forgiveness

I think that we, as survivors of abuse, have the wrong idea about forgiveness. In order to forgive someone, they have to have repented first. If that repentance isn't there, there's no point in forgiveness.

I also think that we shouldn't feel bad for not forgiving. We shouldn't live in the past, and dwell on our abuse, or hurt others because of it. But it's perfectly fine to feel anger, pain, hatred even, as long as it isn't all-consuming. Learn to let go. Forgiveness may come later, or not at all, but neither way is better than the other.

I may never forgive the abusers in my life, but I have accepted that I couldn't change what happened to me, or what I did because of it. I don't make choices without reason now, and I didn't then. I own my mistakes, but they were justifiable. They were part of the defense mechanism I had been developing from childhood. This is not an excuse, simply an explanation. I have accepted that I am human, and the mistakes I've made are an inevitable part of life.

I have managed to raise my self-esteem to such a
level my abusers (although dead),are of utter and
complete inconsequence to me.

This idea that I had to forgive and forget to move on crippled me for some time. There is no forgiveness for my abuse what was done shattered me, what restitution can make up for that.
I cannot forget and I will not forgive, because there was no repentance at all.
I have "forgiven" to let go of the anger that bound me so that I could move on but in my heart of hearts I know that I do not have the capacity to say "I forgive you" to his face. I can however say " you have no power over me"

Metalsauce,
Agree. Forgiveness is for those who repent, genuinely repent. But how many abusers truly repent? Not many.
Many have enjoyed their abuses, the power and control they've had. To deliberately abuse a helpless child is unforgivable.
Forgiveness is not necessary to move on. Acceptance is.

Good for you. I wish this place for all victims, to see their abusers as the worthless vile pieces of c##p they are.
To know they are not at fault and never were. High self esteem is vital, and achievable as you have proved.

I have felt stuck and unable to move on because I cannot forgive my mother for her abuse of me. She showed no remorse even when I questioned her on this. I asked what I had done to warrant her terrible behaviour yet she couldn't tell me however she was adamant to the last that everything was my fault and her "punishment" of me over the decades was perfectly justified. It wasn't. I did nothing wrong. I know that deep inside yet I still continue with blaming myself. I want to reach that point where I let go of the blame, anger and all the other negative emotions that are so crippling. I too want to say "you have no more power over me" and really believe that deep down. I will never forgive her actions but I have some empathy now for her as her life was miserable and pathetic because of events that happened to her before I was born. I believe she rejected me when I was born and could never show me any love. How sad! How completely sad for her. She missed out on knowing her own daughter. She punished me without realising it was herself she was punishing. She hated herself yet I bore the brunt of that hatred. Well enough is enough mum. You may be dead now but you missed out on my life. I pity you. You can never hurt me again though. I remember the good times with dad but not you.

Deep blue, just start by saying "you have no power over me" and keep saying it. The more you do the more it will come to be true. A friend of mine once said to me that it's very important to say things the way you want them to be, it helps to rewire the brain. While we think negative thoughts it reinforces that belief system.
So we need to change the belief system and saying things the way we want them to be starts the process.
When I first started my journey to mental well being I used to stand in front of the mirror and say positive affirmations to myself. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. At first I could not even look at myself, now I can look myself in the eye and say "you are a person of great worth and value" and mean it.

Thank you Lillybet. That is great advice and it totally makes sense to the logical side of my brain. I am going to try this technique and see if it will work for me. (I wish my emotional side saw how much sense this makes and will let go.)

I think forgiveness and the meaning of it are as multiple as the abuses that people endure. For some it means acceptance, others its moving forward with recovery, for me, at this point in my life, its awareness. I find that a person who endures years of pain at the mercy of another and truly accepts, understands and absolves abuser of their actions is a rare gem indeed.

I don't think we can ever forgive someone for their mistakes or bad behavior. Only they can do that. We can't let anyone off the hook for their abuses against us. We can only decide what to do with the pain and damage they caused us.

Personally, it would help me to watch a person who previously abused me work through the issues that caused them to hurt me, or maybe even help them work though those issues. As a result, I would know that they were acknowledging what happened and how it hurt me, and would be less likely to do it again to me or others. That would mean that my pain was not without purpose and not without a healing of humanity in some small way. I would also know that some respect for me was restored. I don't need that for my own self-respect, but it would feel good knowing that someone who formerly abused and disrespected me, now had respect for my pain and for my dignity as a human being. That would help me feel safer being me in the world, and restore more of my faith or trust in humanity.

I agree with your view!

That is very sad. I felt sad reading this.

During the past few years, I've come to believe that my birth was an accident for my parents. I could be wrong, but circumstances tend to point in that direction.

I couldn't agree more. It has long puzzled me. If "it didn't really happen," it was "just my imagination," or "it's not as bad as I made it out to be," then no real harm was done, right? And if no real harm was done, then what is there to forgive? How can a crime be forgiven if it didn't happen in the first place? That's like trying to eat food from an empty plate. You can go through the motions, but you can't actually eat it if it isn't there. So, "forgive and forget," or "it didn't really happen." Both of those can't be true.

I have employed a no-contact policy with my mother for some time now. If I had a dollar for every relative, friend, or even perfect stranger who tells me, "You need to forgive your mother and stop holding on to the past...."

Forgiveness DOES NOT MEAN that the person who hurt you, and would continue hurting you if allowed it, should still be welcome in your life! The extent of "forgiveness" that we can do without the person actually repenting is, "OK, I'm not going to put forth any more effort to get justice. Even if you never do say you're sorry or admit you did anything wrong, even if you never do get any kind of punishment or comeuppance, I'm still going to go on with my life. " That's ALL. So many people think there has to be a fresh start, with that person still in your life, and everybody acts as if nothing bad ever happened. Which is great, IF that person who hurt you in the past does in fact repent and change his/her ways toward you. If this doesn't happen, then it isn't forgiveness. It's denial.

My father is like this, he talks at me and tries to push all my buttons, the entire time I am with him he does it, he's done it since I was a child. His mental and verbal abuse pushed me into the "arms" of older men. I have already forgiven my abusers, but my dad seems to be a lot harder. Kind of hard to forgive when he doesn't even see how mean and dickish he is and he brushes me off with some kind of excuse. They drive me insane.

I agree 100%

Good question. My ex therapist and I had a big disagreement on forgiveness. I told her 'a lot of teachings started out good and on the right path; but, it only takes one person to twist it and take it somewhere else.' She said 'forgiveness does not mean we are dusting it under the rug, we are simply letting it go and forgiving for ourselves.' She also had her tongue in my parents' butts (they didn't know I was in therapy) and the more times I hear 'forgiving ourselves,' I took that as 'what did I do to deserve abuse? I shouldn't be forgiving myself.'

My ex therapist said how I just keep the issues all to myself. I told her 'I can't stand looking at someone who's had it better than me and had more support than I ever had in my life. I think I have a right to be jealous and irate over something that can't happen for me or may happen - who knows.' As always, the woman always looked so damn dumb and puzzled. I told her 'that is why I am so bitter because my life was ruined, what part are you and everybody else don't understand? a person's life is ruined, there is no forgiveness, no relationship, nothing!'

She looked at me, that woman has no experience in life yet she is married, has kids, and isn't that much older than me. she dusted a lot of crap under the rug yet has this parental and marital arrogance with her to boot! i have said a lot of times that forgiving doesn't replace the crap that hurt from the past no amount of forgiving will change anything. My parents never bothered to make things right when they were younger and don't care to now at almost 70 yrs old - that's way too many years going by without ever making things right or saying i am sorry.

forgiveness is a two way street and i have read Scripture's version of forgiving. nothing you can do if they don't repent, that is another thing i am still holding onto is expectations of them. i just wanted a set of normal parents, yea, i expected a lot from them. when you're codependent, you do expect a lot - a set of parents who never took any real good care of us 4 growing up and left 1st born half sister and me with a set of huge emotional probs while the 2 middle siblings don't have those issues.

they say not forgiving will make a person an angry person for life and it will make them sick too. i've had headaches all that stress, yelling, angry, hurt, etc is where it is coming from....

Exactly. Most religions demand forgiveness from the abused, without demanding restitution (or apology) from the abuser. It's not healthy. You should not forgive people who are not sorry. They will just keep doing it. I have been told that I can't "find peace" until I forgive my abuser(s), but that's not true. I feel peaceful right now, and I do not forgive people unless they deserve it.

I also don't even believe people who claim to have "forgiven" their abusers. I think they're just saying that because it makes them sound like a better person.

i also told my ex therapist my parents are not sorry, they made it clear they know everything and said 'they are the best parents, i don't know why my children think otherwise. you say i am still stuck in victim mode, they are great when it comes to using the victim excuse/mode yet you say nothing!' i feel that it isn't right for me at all to forgive and i don't think people out there should be making me forgive someone and they have no intentions of being sorry about it.

like i said a lot of times, forgiveness is a two way street like a give and take type of thing. in today's world, we have too much taking and not enough giving is what i told my ex therapist again just looked at me. the woman is so clueless listening to her is like listening to a boring pastor who doesn't even preaches what he says! i told her these types of situations is not easy to forgive, some people can do it and others can't.

hmm, well, for me i am trying to concentrate on my new job and been there for 2 months today. i am wanting to use something else as a means to forget about my parents that is hard to do when i live with them but they don't know i am working.

My grandmom probably emotionally abused me. She's still alive and I see her often. I think that she isn't sorry at all, because sometimes she does it also now. But I'm trying to forgive her, and I really want to do it...I feel that I could. I know that we aren't 'obliged' to forgive these people, but it's not for her, it's for me...I know that I'd feel much better without rancor. The important thing is that I don't feel guilty anymore for my bad feelings towards her, and I'm managing to do it. Now I know that it's normal that what she said me made me feel very angry with her, it's not my fault. This is enough. And maybe she did it because of her personal problems...I'm not sure, but it could be. Maybe I can forgive her...I hope so.
The problem is that sometimes she does it also now, and in this case I'll have to forgive again and again...it's difficult. But I can begin forgiving the things of the past, and then I'll see. Hope to can arrive to the point in which she has 'no power on me'...this surely would help me feel free and also forgive(not forget, but forgive maybe yes).

Forgiving people doesn't take their power away though. The only way to take their power away is to completely eliminate them from your life. In some cases (such as a rape), they also need to go to jail. Ladytiger is in a very difficult spot because she still lives with her parents.

I am 38 years old so I don't live with my parents. However, when I was a kid, and I was trying to get some help, I would often get the retort "Then why do you still live there, then?" As if I must by lying, or it was my fault for living with my parents. I would like to know where the social support system is for kids who need to get away from their parents. Oh, there isn't one. So a kid can either run away and live on the streets (and get abused by strangers), or they can bide their time at home, try to complete their education, and try to get a job so they can move out.

It is natural for a person who is trapped to feel angry because it's happening right now. It's unjust and the abuser doesn't care. When the trapped person finally escapes, the anger will diminish over time. However, there really can be no forgiveness in a case like that. Totally different from a grandma who may have verbally abused you.

And yes, it makes it worse when people tell you to get over it. I had a doctor tell me that I would get over it if I chose to. I asked him how long he has suffered from complex PTSD. He didn't have a very good answer to that question.

yep, very difficult. couldn't explain that one to a lot of people which they took that and twisted it making me feel guilty. i already feel guilty because i didn't leave sooner if i had the life skills 10 yrs ago, i would have left then. my ex therapist felt it was easy to get up and walk away - for some, that is easy for them to do but not when you are groomed to be codependent forever.

yea, i still get that. if it is so bad why didn't you leave sooner or why do you still live there? hated those questions, but like i said, explained about being groomed to be codpenednet and being told having a job as an adult is selfish same with wanting independence wouldn't that make a person stay? that's how one person gains control over another. i always tell this to people u know, there are abused wives who wanna leave but who will help them? that is the key. when i was a kid, i wanted to leave but not be on the streets! i made that clear to people where i live in AZ not many good resources to help abused people.

hence is why i couldn't leave i had too many people who didnt wanna give me the resources to leave, instead of fighting with me about it, they refused to give me any info telling me "i am breaking up the family how dare you." the family was broken before all of us were born and that so called marriage people say my parents have was doomed on day one in the mid 60s. people refusing me to get info and get help, wow isn't that abusive!? do i regret not leaving sooner? of course, but i don't need people using that against me 24/7! look at my mom, both parents are now 67 and 68 yrs old. she screamed how she wanted to leave my dad but is still there today they both have a miserable marriage.

she was gonna leave in 97, brother paid for her lawyer, dad cried on the phone claiming he was gonna blow his head off, and she took him back to give him one more chance (she will tell you she never said that). has he changed at all? no, and don't intend to! he makes sure she doesn't ever have money, gee the same mistreatment i get! my parents have no idea i started working, been at my new job for now 2 months but need more money to move out.

people don't think i am in a very difficult spot like my ex therapist disagrees and my social worker agrees it is very difficult. i didn't have any siblings close in my age the others are 14 and 18 yrs older than me didn't have any role models for myself my parents are such a very poor example of role models!

i like how the doctor shut up after you said that to him. i said a lot of crap to my ex therapist and she shut it too or tried to use something else which i deflected and tore it apart. my ex therapist said the same thing i can get over it if i chose to yet she said i have symptoms of ptsd and i said being groomed codependent since out of the womb, how is it easy to just get over it? no answer.

I'm finding it very difficult to forgive. None of my abusers have ever repented and continue to place the blame on me, continue to emotionally abuse by telling me all my faults and never ever have recognized the damage that they did to me. I don't know how to release all this poison that's been doled out to me from the time I can remember.

I lost my faith a long time ago.

I'm in loop right now, since this anniversary date has triggered a HUGE set of emotions and high blood pressure that I cannot contain with mindfulness or meditation.

Yes, for other types of abuse it's surely more difficult, because you can't think that they 'didn't want to hurt you', like in my case. I'm neither sure that mine is emotional abuse, though I think that it is. However, I didn't manage to forgive her yet, because she does it also now and she still makes me suffer sometimes...I'd like to do it, because I'd be happier, but I don't know if I'll be able till she's still alive, that is a pity. But I'll do what I can. If somebody is able to do it I really admire him.

Well I can only speak for myself, but I agree that nobody should ever feel pressured into forgiveness. To me, forgiveness is like faith in God. It must be given freely, from the heart, or it is meaningless.

I also agree that it is much, much, much, much more difficult to forgive someone who is not sorry. And unfortunately I think the vast majority of abusers are never truly sorry for what they do. Only sorry they got caught. In my case, I have been emotionally and verbally abused by several family members, and I am convinced that every one of them will go to their graves without ever admitting they did anything wrong, let alone feeling one ounce of genuine remorse.

But I do hope to forgive them someday, for one reason only -- for my sake. Whether I forgive them or not doesn't affect them at all, because they really couldn't care less what I think and feel, and I don't expect that will ever change. But I just don't want to be angry my whole life. Right now, I have tremendous anger towards them, and there are days when I feel like I need that anger. It helps to spur me on, to build a better a better life for myself -- away from them. But really, I could still achieve my goals without being angry and the bottom line is I don't want to spend the rest of my life holding all this rage inside. So I hope I can forgive them someday. Though realistically, that day is likely a long ways away, if it ever comes at all.

i agree very very few cases have i seen/heard/read about an abuser getting the proper help and being sorry from the heart. my ex therapist said they have choices to change and i said yes, we all have choices to do xyz but how many of them are going to repent? it's like a guy who cheats on his wife/gf, if he is still cheating on other women, when will he change? the problem with her (ex therapist) she places too much hope on abusers that they are gonna change i said my sister is 45 and brother 41 when have our parents changed? that's many more years of being absent from your children and not caring and those are years you can't get back.

she is a mom with minor children, but still she should at least try to understand that part. i see zero changes and narcs don't ever change! she said they do or they can try, i said how many studies have you read where a narc has sincerely changed? never! so, without forgiveness, i am hoping that i can move on without doing so. i am the type who dwells over the past as i never been the type to grieve and move on any time someone mentions the past it makes me dwell on it or get super angry about it.

my sister told me she forgave mom and dad for her sake but i don't know if my brother did or not as he don't talk about it. he doesn't really dwell on the past neither does my sister.