[duende]

I put up a trigger warning, but I really think it's time to come forth and share this with people I can trust. I've shared this before in talk therapy, and in my last 2 intimate relationships, but, I hope it's not too much to be doing so here. Okay...

So when I was 3, my mom decided it was time to convert to my dad's religion. This meant that I would be converted. To convert, I would need to go through a circumcision and ceremony. It turns out the circumcision had already been done in the hospital when I was a baby. So sorry to be a bit descriptive here, but there's no other way around this, but, here's how it happened...

Trigger warning

I remember going through what seemed like a really long time..maybe weeks(?) of preparation. I was 4 so my perception of time was obviously quite different. I remember my parents telling me all about what would happen. "It'll be quick. It won't hurt for very long. And before you know it, it will be all over. Okay?" From what I understand, I had already been circumcised, so the ceremony would only require getting a drop or two of blood (sorry if TMI :/ ).

So, of course, my imagination went all over the place. I asked my mom all kinds of questions and she would basically go through the same reassurance. I was scared. Other times, strangely, I fantasized. I imagined being touched. I was doing my best to make sense and get comfortable with the unknown thing that was going to happen to my most vulnerable part of my body.

Finally, the day came. I remember a crowd of grown-ups smiling and looking at me significantly and intensely as everyone gathered in the hotel room (I know, weird.). Finally, there I was..lying on the bed, stripped of my pants and arms held down. I remember silence and I think I may have left my body for a bit, because I don't remember much in between. It's possible I remember of feeling a bit of a pinch, but, I don't know. Anyway...it went from thick silence to applause. And then it was over.

After that, I remember feeling very ashamed. I felt like I was marked with something really ugly and dirty. Also, I had lots of nightmares. I felt so isolated and like no one would understand me about anything. I had lots of nightmares often filled with visual symbols and variations of mutilation. Sometimes it was projected onto someone else and I'd feel deeply sad for the boy dealing with it. Was this me separating from myself in my dreams? I don't know. I was terrified of getting in trouble or of people getting too close to me. But I was feeling so alone and like I really needed people there to believe me...yes, I'm scared. So yeah, lots of nightmares. It also brought a lot of awareness to my genitals. It was all so confusing. The line between fear and fantasy seemed to get completely blurred.

End of Trigger warning

Thanks for taking a moment to read. I never felt I could really talk with either of my parents. My mother, I'm quite convinced, has strong NPD traits. So sharing any vulnerability that wasn't related to her, has been hard. My father was high-functioning, well respected. But at home, was volatile and after the divorce directed a lot of his physical aggression on the children.

Sorry that was really long. But yes, I've addressed this event in talk therapy and hypnotherapy. If it were the only thing that happened and I grew up steeped in a warm, stable environment, I would probably have been able to get over this. When I think about it, sometimes I still feel consumed with rage and deep shame. How could I have been betrayed and subjected to something so scary? Okay, if you've read this far, thanks But also, I have a question...How would you classify an event like this? To me, it is almost like having been through a rape. I know some people will say..labels don't matter, but to me...something like this...yes, it does matter to me. Maybe it validates the fear..something?

Okay. Thanks again for reading.

[Yoda]

That sounds like something terribly scary for anyone to go through but being only four years old and having no control of the situation must have been horrific. I am sorry that happened to you and sorry your family did not provide the nurturing you needed growing up.

[blueredgrey]

Dear duende,

Sorry for all the trauma you've been thru.

It sounds awful! After all....your privates are not some museum to put a procedure on public display in front of so many strangers! You were old enough to know what's going on and feel the pain and trauma....but too young to have any control over it.

Too much of nonsense has been going on in this world in the name of religion! Religion is for a direction in life, and not dictate terms and conditions on how you should live it!!

Hope you work with your therapist and recover from it.

Good luck!!

[pianoplayer19]

I think that you are incredible and a survivor.

xxx

[duende]

Thanks guys. And I hope...hope that wasn't TMI :/

But yeah, I think for me, this memory has been coming up a lot more recently since I've started facing my issues with my lack of trust for my own parents. For me, despite the explanation before it happened, I still felt completely betrayed by them. The ceremony and those other adults were more important than me (and I was terrified...still get enraged by it sometimes). That's how my 4 year old mind processed it. I felt like it created this huge rift between them and me. I distrusted adults and authority figures, really. I felt that I could never really look to my parents for safety as a child. I mean, there were moments that felt "safe", and they seemed so fleeting that I got anxious even getting attached to those moments if that makes sense? Perhaps if they had otherwise been emotionally available and stable, it would have been different? idk. I haven't posted here in this section before, so talking about it this openly is still a new thing.

So my question for anyone here. Back to stuff about parents..if you feel comfortable saying so, do you feel that your traumatic event(s) has/have affected your relationship with your parents (or other family members)?If so, how?

Thanks again

[blueredgrey]

Well...I was sexually abused by my dad. Not only has it affected by relationship with my dad....but it also affected by relationship with my mom....because deep down, (even though I knew that she wasn't aware what's happening with me)....I felt like she didn't protect me.

We learn everything about relationships from our parents and when they let us down....it pretty much affects every relationship you have or will have.

I am not sure if I'd ever trust a guy enough to marry him. Though I hope I can recover some day and develop the trust to marry....and improve all relationships!!

[bassrunnin]

To me I think it depends on where you are in the healing process. I was abused throughout my childhood and joined the military to get away. After a few years I told my mom I forgave her but never talked about it with anyone and we didn't discuss anything that day. I said those words and that was it. Our relationship since then has been ok. Not best buds but not enemies either. Couple of weeks ago I had a melt down to the point of having disassociation at work where they asked me to leave as memories started flooding in. It got to the point that 2 weeks ago I had to call a crisis line and if it weren't for my kids probably wouldn't be posting this today. I haven't spoke to my mom since this began and yday was her bday and still haven't talked to her. It's like I've gone back in time emotionally and am disabling afraid to talk to her. As I go thur the therapy process I am sure things will change again. We shall see

[pawn78]

Just found this thread. Wow, religion really sucks. Sorry to offend anyone, but that is my opinion based on the ENORMOUS amount of suffering that has come out of religion.