[SkyWhite]

I had a difficult session today. Talked about another memory that came up Saturday night. Of course it was preceded by 3 weeks of anxiety, bad dreams, and depression. Another cruel thing my mom did that could have killed me. I feel like hell! In the session I was confused and irritable. When I drove home I was numb. The anxiety was intense. I'm getting head aches on and off. I tried watching a movie to distract, but it didn't work. I warned my husband that if I got irritable don't take it personal. I can't bring myself to tell anyone about it. Just my T knows. What do you do with s**t like this?

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't feel like anything is real anymore. I'm not real. I feel like a zombie.

[glok]

Hello, SkyWhite. Getting better is hard work. Desensitizing trauma is particularly difficult. My suggestion is for you to make sure your treatment team knows what you are feeling as the process of getting better continues so they do not push you into overload.

[SkyWhite]

Originally Posted by glok

Hello, SkyWhite. Getting better is hard work. Desensitizing trauma is particularly difficult. My suggestion is for you to make sure your treatment team knows what you are feeling as the process of getting better continues so they do not push you into overload.

Thanks Glok. I guess my "team" consists of only my T and my pdoc. I only see each of them once a month. For the most part, I'm stranded until I see them again. There's no point letting my T know because I'm sure he recognized it yesterday. I don't see my pdoc for 3 weeks, but I'll fill him in.

My biggest issue is not being able to see my T more often and more consistently. There's no way around this, but it still hurts. It's making me very depressed right now because I'm floating around in a dangerous state of mind with no backup. I decided if it gets worse I can use the crisis line.

[bigjellybelly]

This floundering between sessions and panicking is really difficult sky I really get it - are there any friends who know or could be an ear just on the phone? I know you wouldn't want to disclose the most awful details but just any kind of reassuring chat might help and also might help diffuse things with your H too.

Are you reading any books about recovery or about BPD or anything like that? Maybe if you had some material to stick your nose in it might just help to keep your mind ticking over... I don't know.

[SkyWhite]

I talked to an MH warm line last night. They're not quite a crisis line but for about a half an hour you can talk to a compassionate listener. I've read as much material as I want to on BPD and complex PTSD. I have a BA in psych so I have a general academic understanding. That doesn't help me emotionally, though. Reading about it and even journaling is triggering me right now. I haven't been officially diagnosed with these things either. They just seem to come very close to what I'm experiencing. I even took them off my PC profile because I was never diagnosed. My T isn't "qualified" to diagnose me. I think he suspects I could have both.

I'm going to try to do some mixed media art. I'm hoping it will take my mind off things. I don't want to oil paint because then I'll be pressured to create "real art."

[Rainbowfairy]

Dear Skywhite,

I had an arrangement with my psychologist that I could email ocassionally in between appts. I found this incredibly helpful in both discharging painful feelings, and organising my thoughts for the next appt. It was not necessary for him to reply in depth, and he made me aware that this was not possible anyway, however he usually acknowledged the email. It might be worth asking if your therapist would accept this type of "add-on" to the treatment.

EDIT: incidentially, I am also dealing with complex trauma and bpd. I think these conditions make emotion management quite difficult at times, and we often need some out-of-the-box approaches to treatment. For example, I knew I required a male in order to model a healthy father-daughter relationship for me. Also, what I said about emailing in between - I can talk very matter of factly about what happened to me in my childhood, without connectoing to the emotions of it - they come later in the day and the day is usually a write-off, so I find I am alone when I most need my therapist. The emails helped bridge this issue, and now, I rarely feel the need to email, unless it is to note something I feel is important that I may forget for next appt (I have pretty bad memory loss at times).

[SkyWhite]

Originally Posted by Rainbowfairy

Dear Skywhite,I had an arrangement with my psychologist that I could email ocassionally in between appts. I found this incredibly helpful in both discharging painful feelings, and organising my thoughts for the next appt. It was not necessary for him to reply in depth, and he made me aware that this was not possible anyway, however he usually acknowledged the email. It might be worth asking if your therapist would accept this type of "add-on" to the treatment.

I was emailing between appts for awhile and it was good for me. Then I did a whole 4 weeks without emailing him and felt so proud. He doesn't mind that I email. I think he'd prefer it considering what I'm going through. I just didn't want to feel do dependent on him. But that's a crock because I am dependent on him, at least for now. Like your T, he can't reply in depth but he does acknowledge me. If I'm really troubled he will actually phone me and speak very briefly. Depending on how my weekend goes, I think I will email him next week.

[Rainbowfairy]

Yes, we become dependent, only to disengage. I think this is a good lesson. My early attachments weren't great. I never learned to connect healthily, nor let go healthily. So, I think it's part of the process of learning how to relate well. Attach-detach.

[Autumndancer]

SkyWhite, I hope the art session helped. I have found that and playing music and practicing my choreography helps get me outside of my head. So much of the time being alone inside my head is not a good thing...tends to spiral me down very quickly. Are the things I do at that point considered distractions? Maybe...but the alternative is worse. Sometimes the work is just too hard and overwhelming.

ty Rainbowfairy...you gave me a lightbulb moment. Yes, I can talk and talk and talk about the horrors of my childhood. connecting with the feelings? completely different story.

[Hate that PTSD]

I really hope some sense of levelling graces you soon SkyWhite. I'm incredibly lucky to have a wonderful psychologist who has done so well at pulling apart everything and helping me understand, but it doesn't mean you can automatically swallow it and "move on". I dread the sessions because they open floodgates and open the lines to all these memories that I've been denying for so long. People assume therapy is calming, but it's the most confronting thing I've ever had to do.

The way that I've learnt to survive between sessions is to keep writing or drawing (or when I'm really wound up with anxiety I do cross stitch - odd hobby I never knew I liked, but it keeps your concentration levels way up so it's good for keeping out the panic.) Don't ever worry about creating a piece of art, if you can even paint with oils then that's exceptional enough in itself. My Dad's an artist and some of the most beautiful stuff he's done are small panels of oil in abstract form. You yourself will never know it's good at the time, but in years to come you'll look back and probably be quite chuffed with yourself.

Please keep chugging on. I'm having a horrible nightmare-laden time at the moment because I know there's a nasty memory coming up in my little PTSD-ridden brain. The way I deal with it is to feel incredibly sorry for myself, then remind myself that I've got through these before, and will continue to. I'm sure that you will as well. Make sure you keep using support lines when you need them - they're there for a reason and you're making circumstances better for yourself, as well as for your support person on the other end of the line.

Be kind to yourself x

[SkyWhite]

Thanks Hate that PTSD. I started getting headaches again today and weird dreams, meaning some crap is about to come up again. I'm working through it by doing an art journal, something I can make just for me. It's been a good distractor but the headaches are breaking through. My studio is a mess of paper, glue, paint, and all kinds of art debris everywhere. That's what a studio should look like.

My question is, when do the memories stop? Do I have to remember every f**king thing that ever happened to me?

I'm emailing my T tomorrow. He may have taken the day off because Canada day is Tuesday. I'll email him anyway to feel connected. I miss him.

[bigjellybelly]

How are you doing Sky?

[SkyWhite]

Originally Posted by bigjellybelly

How are you doing Sky?

Not great, but surviving. My headaches have now become migraines as of Monday. I emailed my T Monday, but got no response. He's good about getting back to me so I can only assume he's on holiday.

I woke up exhausted and have been laying on the couch all morning. I'm depressed and frustrated my T is away. I guess the best I can do is get through the day.

Avoiding PC because I'm getting triggered very easily.