[CompletelyDiff]

I was molested from the time I was three until about 15 years old, when I made my mother break up with her husband - the person who was molesting me. It's not that she didn't know I was being molested - she just didn't care or pretended it wasn't happening. Most people find her to by very nice and funny, a likable person, but to say it midly she is a horrible mother. I have tried to maintain a relationship with her, because of my religious beliefs (and to have a relationship with the rest of my family). Not beliefs she shares because she is a self professed aethiest.
I have worked out many issues of this abuse. I feel as well adjusted as I can given my formative experiences. However I can not forgive my mother. She hasn't changed. It would happen again today.

Something disturbing has just occured that I need to get off my chest. A few days ago we were talking about relationships and she said that she would have stayed with her husband.... then I interuppted her and said - "If he hadn't been a pedophile" and her voice trailed off .... "yes...."
Could somenont tell me how I can maintain a relationship with someone like this? I think she should have gone to jail - unfortunately at that time, no one talked about this stuff. To give you perspective, I am 41 now.
He should have gone to jail. I know I wasn't the only child he molested. I worry about the others...

From all this I had many problems growing up. When I was sixteen I was attacked. Bludgeoned with a 12 lb pipe wrench which left a depressed skull fracture. The man was caught in the act by a police officer - I probably would be dead had he not fortuitously shown up. We showed up for court and the scum didn't have a lawyer, so the hearing was rescheduled. This was around Christmas time. My older brother came in for a visit. My mother told me she rescheduled the date, so I should go to school. It snowed badly that day. When I got home from school, my mother informed me that the case was thrown out cause we didn't show up for court. I was very upset and wanted her to file civil charges, but she didn't want to bother - she said the guy had nothing to sue for. I just wanted to know she cared. This confirmed she didn't. When I turned 18 I signed re-arrest papers, but that thrown out due to his "right" to a quick and speedy trial. My trial has been going on for years.

I would like to sever all ties with this woman, but then I would have to sever all ties with my family, then I would really be alone in this world.

[jennie]

you have a right to be angry at your mother. she didn't fulfill her role as a nurturing, caring, protective mother.

my mother still lives with my incestuous father. i'm angry at her, too.

do you have a counselor you can talk to?

[i] <font color=purple> Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world." Ralph Waldo Emerson</font color=purple>

[janesgang]

Dear One: Wherever your mother was, it was obviously not with you. I know that most religions put a very big premium on forgiveness, I'm a churchmember myself. One of the things that I've learned over the past couple of years of reading, searching my soul, and therapy has been very helpful, so I would like to pass it on to you. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you grant the person who wronged you absolution. What happened was horrible and can't just be wiped out as if it didn't happen, which is what I think some people seem to mean by forgiveness. I've learned that what forgiveness really means for me is getting to a place where I can quit wanting vengeance. A person who does wrong can be very sorry for what they've done, but that doesn't mean that they don't have to pay the consequences for their wrong-doing. They can say "I'm sorry," and you can accept that and try to move on. However, they still have to make restitution for what they did. This is the point, to me, where forgiveness comes in. I have to be willing to let God (or whoever/whatever it is you worship) make sure that the person who did me wrong pays whatever penalty is involved. I give up the need to punish and let God handle it however that happens. I don't have to set myself up and stay in a situation where bad things can happen again (like keeping up a relationship with a neglectful and uncaring mother), but I also don't have to worry about making things "right". I've done my part by being willing to forgive and turning the situation over to God.

I hope this helps a little. It's about the only way I've been able to get on with my healing and still call myself a "Christian" person. I hope I haven't offended you. -Jane

Keep walking past the open windows.

[Duchess]

1st off I want to welcome you to our forums, I feel every bit of compassion for you, of the childhood that was stolen from you. I can relate in every sence to what you have been feeling and will probably continue to feel for the rest of your life, ANGER. A million things have ran threw my mind of which way I could hurt him or how I could save the other little girls, including the two little girls he had two years after my mother threw him out. my molestation began when I was 9. not a day goes by that I don't think about it. cases such as yours can take many years. it's sounds like it is very hard for you to even look her in the face. there is still the pain and the thought that she could've somehow saved you and prevented all the suffering, you have endored. my heart goes out to you b/c to go threw as much as you have and the therepy you have probably recieved. to hear something so hurtful from the someone you have tried to forgive for so long.takes you to requestion the begining. yes, he should've gone to jail!!! no child should ever have to go threw that... severing all ties with her, I don't believe will make things better. maybe it's time she really heard your VOICE..

Keep posting Alex
*Duchess

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.think of it... always. Mohandas Gandhi...

[rubyred]

These postings reminded me of a book I read a long time ago, that gave me a lot of insight into disturbing human behavior. It answered the question: "Why do adults allow evil things to happen to children? How can they just look the other way?"

Here is the name of the book, the author, and a brief description of the contents. Perhaps it might give others on this forum additional insight to the adults who let them down, who looked the other way.

People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1983).

Dr. Peck utilizes the integration of the deepest insights of psychiatry and religion to probe the essence of human evil. People who are evil attack others rather than facing their own failures. Peck demonstrates the havoc these "People of the Lie" work in the lives of those around them. He presents, from cases encountered in his psychiatric practice, unforgettably vivid incidents of evil in everyday life. This book offers a strikingly original approach to the age-old problem of human evil.


Choices, it's all about choices.

[lorieann]

I know the pain you feel. You would feel better even if she had offered an apology...for not protecting you...for not stopping it. A child's love for her parent is so strong. But years of neglect and feeling uncared for can errode that love. I dont speak to my mother anymore. She was a dirt magnet and married five pedophiles...all of whom molested me...raped me...beat me...and she stood by allowing it to happen. I was saved by the state of Maryland who removed me from my home at age 15. This had been going on since I was three. Don't feel guilty about wanting to end the relationship with your mother. Did you know that my mother keeps a picture of the man who molested me for 7 years prominately displayed on her entryway table? That hurts. I cant inagine why a rational person would do that.
Your mother is a "poisionous" person to you. It is perfectly fine in my humble opionion to end your relationship.
Ending it for me has not made my hatred for my mother disappear. I think my hatred for her is a self defense mechanism...keeping her away from me ...she cannot hurt me or allow others to hurt me. I am a woman now...not a little girl anymore...but those memories are just as fresh as if they happened yesterday. And it still infuriates me...especially because I am a mother and have a mothers love for my children thaat she didnt protect me from harm. That IS a mothers job...in addition to loving and providing for...and setting a good moral example.
Do what is in your heart to do. Maybe some time and space will allow you to heal better.
I wanted you to know that your post touched me. You remind me so much of myself. Except my mother stayed with the last one till he died. thank god she never remarried. she probably would have married another one.
I'm so sorry that you hurt. I know the kind of pain you feel.
take care of you
Lorieann

[kela]

i am so sorry your mom was not good to you. you have a lot of braveness inside you. that is good. you are good to you. that is good too. -kela