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*Having experienced different kinds of sexual abuse, I've come to the conclusion that for ME, abuse by a pedophile was the worse.
It is something that most people don't understand -especially when the abuse starts when you are 12 and continues until you are 15. The "words", "I raised you better still ring in my ears... and I want to say back to my Mom, "Oh yes you did raise me better, you allowed be to be set-up to be a prime target. " "The physical and sexual abuse that you allowed in my early childhood.. just made it a nautral lead in for him for him to take both my body and soul."

In my experience, pedophiles add seduction to their sexual abuse. It is a specialized kind of abuse that "seduction". If you are very sweet natured, gulible 12 year old, I can tell you it is a rape of the soul, as well as, your body. It set a brand on me forever. I spent a year without speaking, the shock so great. I spoke only at home and only when spoken too so great the pain.

The body heals, the soul never does. My quest to be numb doesn't work anymore. I fit nowhere, not even with other sexual abuse victums. This person that took my soul was a professional pedofile.. one that knew exactly what he was doing...In the end, you find that your pain means absolutely nothing - you but a name on a long list of an offender's.
I call him "my pedophile" denoting an ownership that in the end, isn't really true cause he is other's pedophile too.

So again, I ask people on this board - is there a way to get numb and stay numb - never to feel pain again?
My ED is not doing this for me anymore..

[mtd]

freewill,

I can really, really, really relate to your feelings. Those who abuse, and those who set us up for it, take so much from us. The pain and loss go so deep into the soul. I have felt all of this and more, to the point of near suicide. And I have tried lots and lots of ways to numb the pain, the confusion, the despair, the anger, the torment -- like you, I have been there and, in many ways, still am.

But I really urge you not to give up. And I urge you not to just look for ways to numb -- it really doesn't work in the end. Your soul is yours and you can take it back. It is hard and it takes time and effort, but you deserve to heal. I've been working to take myself back, one moment and one decision at a time. When I want to numb out with anything -- or when I have and its over and I feel guilty and lost for it -- I still do something healthy for me, to say to myself that I deserve to make a better life for myself, even if just for that moment.

Someone here wrote this to me once and I'll leave you with this thought: "If I'm going to get better I have decided to move beyond it. Each time I decide to walk the other way when I want to break down and cry over my past pains I become the person I wish to be. Each time I am able to turn my back on the visions I take back a little of what was taken away from me. Fighting to break away from being a victim doesn't make me better or stronger, it just makes me whole."

be well,

mtd

[cajun]

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

i was abused by a pedaphile. he was a psychologist my mum was
seeingto quit smoking. she was also havingan affair with him. he had been arrested and sent to court for sexually abusing childrenin the 60/70's and told never to work with children again. he used a false identity. he abuse me from the ageof8 -15 when i eventually put a stop to it.i've carried this round for years, i'm 42. Now i am here to be finally healed if i can be. i don't know where to startbut i've decided enoughis enough - i will not let him take ALL of my life - he would be winning then -
i've always thought he's ruined my life, but my life is not over and i try and cling on to the fact that maybe - just maybei can do this. thinking of you and holding your heart nextto my own

jin xxxx

I was abused from age 6-12 by a pedophile. He was so clever he made me feel as if I was taking an active part in "It". Even to the point of making me keep lookout as he abused me in open places. This has been the hardest thing for me to bear. That I did that! I feel responsible for what he did. I don't know if I will ever go over that.

[Perna]

I don't think numb is the way, freewill, only anger can clean such wounds and cauterize them so they don't ooze anymore.

[Calm]

Dear freewill,

Your pain does mean something. It apparently is causing you extreme anguish. If it had no meaning, you wouldn't be seeking a way to become numb. Numbing oneself can offer relief for a time but it doesn't last. I've heard it said one has to work through the pain to get to the other side. Not an easy process to undertake.

I believe my soul is separate from my physical body and mind. Abuse can hurt the body and invade our minds with pain, but I think my soul is what has remained intact and empowered me to seek help and continue with my recovery.

I sincerely hope you will find some peace of spirit and, hopefully, sooner than later.

Calm