[sujunew]

Hey there, I just have a couple of questions that I'm hoping someone may be able to help out with...please!!
First of all, does anyone know how a counsellor can tell if abuse really happened? It goes back to when I was 6 and had to borrow a dress from my friend coz mine was dirty. I can remember going into her house- while she caught the bus to school-, her father getting the new one out of her closet, arriving at school...everything is a vivid memory but the period between him being at the closet door and arriving at school. I have been asked a few times during my life if 'anything' has ever happened to me- i guess to 'explain' why my life has gone the way it has and why I have done the things I have- but to my knowledge nothing ever happened. BUT i have always retained this one specific memory and since talking to my nurse about it (the thoughts were sooo insistent I had to get them out of my head) even more doubt about the whole event has emerged. She said that I could go to a trained counsellor who would be able to tell if anything happened or whether it was just an innocent event that my warped mind has turned into something evil (in my own words!!). I am freaking out about this now- the whole point of me saying anything about this was to get it out of my head and then to forget about it for the rest of my life. Now though things feel like they are spiralling out of control even more. I know that if I just knew either way whether anything had happened then I could forget the whole thing, but I have NO idea of what happened in that blank period. I guess I am just so scared at the possibility that something could have happened, but at the same time I (almost) totally believe that nothing did- it is just that shadow of doubt that is growing every day, and becoming bigger and bigger...
and 2nd, what happens if I can never find out for sure either way- is there ANY way to know? I dread going through the rest of my life, especially now it is out in the open, not knowing either way. I NEED CLOSURE EITHER WAY!
sorry to blurt all this out like this...I just hope someone can help me out a bit with these questions. Thanks..

[mtd]

I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling, having dealt with incomplete memories that proved to be very significant to me. My best advice today is to focus on the present and stay grounded in the present while you look at your past. You clearly feel compelled to look and ask questions about why that point in time seems so toxic. It might be significant, and it might not, but you do not have to be afraid of your truth. You will know your truth when you are ready to face it. I don't feel a counselor must verify it to you or give you the answers. But, a counselor can certainly help you explore your feelings and memories safely, so I encourge you to work on this with confidence in who you are today. Today, you can be safe and get help. If anything happened to you as a young child, you didn't have that same power. You can have faith in you today.

Be well,

mtd

[InACorner]

I feel the exact same way right now as a matter of fact..I thought i was going crazy and just trying to create issues in my life but you and others have proved to me that there is a possiblity things could have happened that i dont remember...My mom(when she was actually not bothered that i was home and in her sight) told me one time that when i came home from visiting my drunk abusive father at age 5 i was a very mean hateful little girl. That normally i was bubbly and happy but i wasnt like that and that i never was the same since. I dont remember..i dont remember alot of things except details that physically affect me now. But you are not alone sweety...you are in my thoughts and prayers and if you need someone to relate to you can PM me anytime. I am hoping I can have some closure as well. Good luck to you. Hopefully all is well.

[sujunew]

thanks so much inacorner and mtd for your comforting words. I am currently 1000km from home... this is not a 'social holiday', rather it is a scheduled hospital visit for my daughter so hopefully I can sleep (what's that?!?!) tonight and take tomorrow as it comes- tomorrow I ask my mother (I am originally from 'here' so my parents are just a short drive away) about some details from this incident...without going into any details lol. Thanks again for the support and I will be back soon.
ps inacorner, it is nice to know I am not alone and that there is even someone with such a similar story to me. All the best to you too, and likewise, if you ever want to PM pls feel free

[sujunew]

just need to get this out of my head; sorry if i rant and ramble and go on too much...
i really did not think i would be coming back to this...i thought i had totally convinced myself that nothing ever happened...i asked my mother how she had felt towards 'him' and she said that she just never liked him, but that it was not because of anything 'weird'- why would she bring that into a perfectly innocent question??? Despite that i felt relieved and together with reading my mother's account that she has written of when my father was desperately ill with bipolar at the same time i had realised that it was a VERY stressful situation/year and that had probably contributed to me needing to justify why my life has taken the 'route' that it has. Yet as my T pointed out yesterday I have always remembered that 1 incident as a snanpshot, or a video- clearly and in vivid detail mostly, as if i am watching it in 3rd person, except for the time between getting the dress and arriving at school. We even went over the time frame yesterday as roughly as we could and even then there is still a gap, even if it is miniscule, that i CANNOT account for. Soooo, now I have all this doubt back in my mind and NO way of either confirming or denying anything happened