Loving The Abuser

for years i stuggled with knowing something in my life wasn't quite right...my mom had been abused and said my life was perfect...i just didn't feel it was...when i was a teenager i was in therapy...but i could never bring myself to really talk...i used to go to the library and check out books on child abuse...i wasn't being abused, was i?...

my mom was right in a lot of ways...my life was pretty perfect...my parents loved me...they always went to my piano recitals and school plays...we had nice things...lots of wonderful memories!!!!

but there were also not so nice memories....calling me names, saying i love you but i don't like you, ridiculing my weight, always comparing me to others...why couldn't i be more social like my cousin...why didn't i bring home all A's on my report card like X's boys...

i'm 32 and i think i can finally say that my mom emotionally abused me.

when i OD at 19 and was hospitalized...my dad told her either to go into therapy or else...so she did...eventually she began taking zoloft. when she'd go off the medication - which we've all done from time to time - that's when i finally was able to see the difference...the stark contrast...between my mom and my abusive mom...

in addition to her depression - she eventually came to terms with the fact that she is an alcoholic - something i wondered about for years...but wasn't sure...she was a functioning person with a job...not what i thought of as an alcholic...i know better now...

i'm wondering if any one else struggles with loving the person who abused them? how do you reconcile the two...the abusive and loving...

i LOVE my mom and i KNOW she loves me!!! she has admitted to saying hurtful things and apologized!! my relationship with her is fairly good...i'm not as close to her as i could be...because she's hurt me...but i do love her immensely!!

how do i allow myself to be angry...to accept that what happened was wrong...i'm immensely scarred by the words my mother threw at me...at the same time, she took such good care of me...she volunteered at my schools, she made my halloween costumes, she chaperoned field trips, she was my brownie troop leader, she made my birthdays special, i could go on and on and on.

i don't know...i just feel like there is something that i'm missing...my mom emotionally abused me...she has apologized...we love each other dearly...but...???

Sorry for rambling on...it's just been on my mind...

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

I think that this is one of The most confusing subjects ever..
For me I didn't have an answer until both of my parents passed. And then it took a very long time.. I finally felt that I couldn't hold onto my pain and anger any longer, if I wanted to move on with my life,,, to once again open my heart.

I wish I could have done this while they were alive... but Only for Me.. it was Me that deserved better. And for me that was the key.. my parents didn't deserve me.. the wonderful me that continued to love them thru the abuse.. and the looking the other way..

I am so sorry that this post won't help you.. but just felt the need to say it...

Sincerely,
freewill

(((((((((( gostryter )))))))))))))
im so sorry for what you had to go through. im physically abused by my father...and when he is sober he is everything i want for a father. but when he drinks he turns into a monster. so i know how you feel with the difference. i dont really have any advice (im trying to find some myself) but i can tell you that we age in years but we mature in moments. good or bad moments, it doesnt matter. you become stronger, and more self aware through each episode. and a damaged past is a healed future. so whenever you have these things on your mind, remember that you are here now, you are you and no amount of emotional abuse or anything else can change that.
take care

(((((((((((((((((((gostryter))))))))))))))))))))))))

i think i know how you feel in a way...... my dad always told me i was beautiful and that he loved me but my worst abuser was his friend, and even after he knew about it he did nothing and stayed friends with that "man". i am no doubt angrier at my dad than than at the men who actually abused me, cause my dad should have stood up for me and he didnt. but at the same time i know he loved me. he was just too weak to stand up for me. its only recently that ive been able to admit that he did me so wrong.

how do i reconcile? i havent figured that part out yet. i almost wish my dad had been a terrible person so my feelings could be one sided. but he wasnt. all i can say is i dont feel sorry for loving him, but these days, i dont feel sorry for being angry at him either........ love and hate live in a balance, at least for me. this probly isnt helping you much, my dad is dead and your mom is still alive for one, but its all i can offer, i hope it helps. in any case i'm sorry youre struggling with this. pm me anytime if you need to talk.....

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gostryter said:
how do you reconcile the two...the abusive and loving...

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i don't. my father abused me emotionally, physically, and perhaps sexually when i was a child. the sexual abuse is a hazy memory - the physical abuse stopped when i turned 17 and realized i was bigger than him and showed him i was willing to fight back. the emotional abuse continued through my 30s until i basically banned him from showing up at my front door unannounced, and now that i've put 400 miles between us...that's unlikely to be a problem anymore. my mothers treatment of me was kinda like passive abuse. she's got undiagnosed ocd and depression...so growing up, my experience with her was pretty evenly divided between me not correctly fitting into her ocd world, and getting the blame for her depressive episodes. and of course she was far too wrapped up in her own troubles to even notice what her husband was doing to the kids. growing up, I was the one with problems - I was the one going to shrinks, but it was my parents who had the problems, really, and my problems were the collateral damage. in all fairness, i will say something positive about my mother - she's always been appreciative of my art, but i don't feel that quite makes up for the rest.

gee - i kinda got off topic here. to continue in that vein , these days my parents buy me stuff i want/need that i couldn't afford on my own, and i let them. i don't know if they're expecting anything in return, though whenever they do try to attach conditions to their gifts i just tell 'em i'd just as soon not have it and refuse to discuss it further. if i get it, fine. if i don't, fine. i don't expect anything from them, but whatever they contribute i'm willing to take as partial restitution for their past crimes against me. i don't tell them this, as they've indicated in the past they don't care to revisit the conditions that brought about my personality disorders, so i suppose in effect they're buying my silence on the subject. but then too, i don't see any point in discussing it with them anymore - it leads nowhere.

so we act out our little play of the happy well-adjusted family. i get along okay with them as long as visits are brief. when we part, they say they love me (my father faking it and my mother believing it), and i flatly mumble a return "love you" - a courtesy, like 'thankyou...you're welcome'.

i'll never forget, and i don't think i'll ever forgive either. so no reconcilation here.

This has been a tough one for me. My mother was the main culprit in our family. I hated her for years. Now I have a lot more understanding of what caused her to do what she did. I think understanding, if and when it comes, leads closer to "forgiveness" but that comes after the understanding. I have more trouble now "forgiving" people whose business it is to understand, and who project their problems onto their patients.

I'm not sure yet.. I feel like my emotions keepe me guarded even when i want to be open with people who hurt me.

but,wheres the forgivness? how does being un-forgiving benifit you? I'd look there first,and then perhaps you might find yourself on equal term's with your "abuser",you won't have a problem with forgivness then.