[SillyBean]

Hi everyone,

I know I am posting a lot in each section but I so need help I am so sorry.

I was sexually molested as a child and verbally abused by my brother and then later on in life married a man who beat me I did leave him of course after I had enough but what I don't understand is why would someone want to hurt someone else like that? I feel I was doomed from birth because I had a rough childhood I didn't ask to be born and I didn't ask to be abused but I am trying to understand why me or why anyone why are our family members or even who we marry so cruel did I deserve all that and now I feel alone in this marriage and left out and unloved and much more he isn't a bad guy he just doesn't feel what I feel . So how do we just get over things like we are told by some ? I hate the memories I want them gone and out of my head and I want happiness. Any comments would be so helpful Thank you.
SillyBean

[sideblinded]

SillyBean, it sounds like this is a great forum to post in. I am so sorry that you have had struggles in your upbringing and marriage. I was abused as a child as well so I can relate. I don't think that we can just get over being abused. It becomes a life long learning process. We have to work on ourselves no matter what it takes. If it means therapy and support groups or whatever it is...we have to advocate for ourselves as no one else can do that for us. YOU DID NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED AND MISTREATED. You are absolutely correct. I hate the memories as well. I have learned that they are emotional triggers and I am becoming aware of them. Please get the help that you need. Reach out to those who care about you and don't isolate or keep your feelings inside. You don't have to anymore and remember to be in a safe environment.

I wish you safety and comfort.

[karmaah]

I do not understand why people are abusive towards others. I agree that you did not deserve any of the abuse you have received since childhood. However, I have also learned that as survivors of abuse, we sometimes do seek out people who are abusive so I understand why you are questioning whether or not you are doomed, because at some points in my own life I wondered why did I attract these kinds of people into my life. With the help of a good therapist and a lot (a lot) of online research, I have come to understand some of this. My last relationship was with an abusive narcissist and that was my breaking point, in which I mean that was the point where I started to see things differently, and instead of feeling victimized, I began to look at MY behavior and MY choices in my adult life. A relationship is a two-way street. Some people think that there is a kind of trauma bonding that occurs in abusive relationships where we equate the hurt and the pain with love, which makes our threshold for certain behaviors a lot lower than it is for others. Other people think that certain personality types, including issues with self-confidence and self-esteem, are more prone to getting into abusive relationships. Still others seem to think that repeating this kind of cycle of abuse with other people in adult life brings the opportunity to "change the script" and if we do not learn the lessons these relationships were meant to teach us, we will keep repeating the cycle. So what are these relationships trying to teach us?? If I could figure that out ... I am working on this as well, but I think the answer varies from person to person. Yes, it takes self-reflection and it is not easy work. It is soul work. Therapy can help a great deal. It is very important to get the help you need to understand yourself better. This takes time. But I do understand how you feel that you just want the memories out of your head. I have been there and it is a struggle and it sucks. It is hard to remember that it is *your* head. You control it. Another thing I learned is that we sometimes abuse ourselves, as a release, because a part of us seeks the emotional/chemical response the abuser provoked. By replaying these scenarios in our minds, it is almost as if we are reliving the abusive situation all over again, drowning ourselves in the hurt and pain. Why would we do this? It's subconscious. The mind is strange. There are coping strategies that can help, but again it varies from person to person, and a therapist can help you determine what would work for you. You deserve happiness and you will find happiness ... it's within you. You can't change the past but you can definitely control your future. Good luck on your journey.

Sillybean,
I'm sorry for the cards you and everyone else here were dealt. Being at the hands of abuse in no way translates to deserving what happened. I was also abused for years as a kid growing up. You have to overcome the despair, resentment, anger, and sadness by coming to terms with possibly never having the "why" answered. Its a long healing process and individual journey. I hope you find inner peace and stay safe my friend.