Report my ex to the police??

Hi everyone. I'm new here, my name is Kat. I'm struggling and this month is so difficult for me. There's two separate anniversaries of assaults next week alone. Three years ago my exboyfriend beat me and raped me on the 14th of March. He assaulted me again three nights later during a St. Patrick's Day party. That assault still affects me badly. He attacked me after he thought I was flirting with his friend and he eventually held me hostage in a dirty freezing cold shed for hours until he passed out and I was able to escape in the morning...

Although I did process all of this in therapy a long while ago, I've been remembering more and more of my ex's abuse; not just the physical and sexual abuse, but the emotional abuse as well. There's alot of stuff still affecting me There's so much I must have repressed, so much I just haven't been able to face yet... and still don't want to admit to myself. I'm not in therapy right now, I'm waiting to see a new T since my old one left last fall.

Part of me wants to contact my ex and scream at him, but I know that's pointless and probably not great for my healing. I'm nowhere near ready to forgive him, if I'm ever able to do that. It seems impossible right now. But the more crap I remember, the more pain and anger and shame crashes through me, and I just want something, some kind of closure or justice or peace. I can't seem to move on.
Since it's been years since his last assault in August of 2012, I know I can't press charges but I was thinking of just reporting him to the police anyway... The cops did get involved during an incident of abuse but nothing really came out of it... I just keep feeling so guilty that I'm letting him get away with repeated rape and physical abuse (over the course of 4 years), and I pray that he won't abuse anyone else, just the thought of it makes me sick. I feel like I have to do something.

Has anyone ever reported their abuser to the cops long after the abuse ended? Any suggestions, advice, or words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Kat

i think if you feel the need to do it, do so. it will make you feel better. it will also get him in the system so that if he ever is accused again, he will be less likely to get off.

I agree, I think if you feel it is something you need to do, then you should do it. Unfortunately, you might want to consider that it's been too long and you may not get to file an official police report. I still think that if you feel you should try, then you absolutely should. I filed for a restraining/protective order against my ex boyfriend (after we had broken up, but it was only about 2 months after the last "big" physical altercation) and the restraining order was granted (I'm not suggesting filing for that, it might be too long since the relationship ended to file for a restraining order). When I was looking for resources to help me know what to expect, I used WomensLaw.org | Home just so I knew what the possible outcomes would be for my state. Of course, this looks like it is just for the US and I'm not sure if you are where I am or in another country.

Do you have any photos, items of clothing, journal entries, or a police report/incident report from before? I'm just trying to think of anything that may help you when presenting this to the police. When I went to court I actually had a couple of pictures of bruises and bloody clothes taken the day after I was beat up. At that point I wasn't even consciously thinking about going to court, but for some reason I knew I wanted documentation of it happening in case I needed someone to believe me. I'm really glad I was able to provide those.

Also, the night I eventually left my abusive ex was when he was arrested after grabbing me on the street when we were in a verbal argument. He ended up being convicted of battery on an officer, public intox, and a couple other charges. This helped me in court as well because it showed a pattern of abuse and crime (was not his first arrest either).

Even if you don't have anything to take to the police except your story, I think if you feel strongly then you should pursue it. I hope my list (though I know its not a comprehensive one) might help you in some way. There are probably resources online that would give you some other examples of "proof" that these things happened. I hate that we so often have to "prove" these things, but that is another discussion altogether...

Good luck with everything! I hope no matter what happens that you are able to get some sort of closure, or the beginning of closure. That seems to be one of the most difficult parts of overcoming the damage from an abusive relationship.

Dogzrule, thanks so much for the link, it looks really helpful.

I still do have one photo of me in which there are visible bruises from the abuse, I have a couple journal entries detailing a couple of the attacks, and I also have a voice recording on my old phone that I kept .. i secretly recorded one of our arguments and at the end you can hear me scream because he grabbed me and threw me against the wall. So maybe that will help..

And the more I think about reporting him, the more I want to do it. So now I'm just working up the courage to actually go to the police station. But no matter what the outcome is, I do think it will help me move on.