[Bird Feeder]

I was abused by my step brother. He is in a church that is all about forgiveness . but he has never asked me for forgiveness. I still see him from time to time but never a word about what took place and how he ruined my life, I never told anybody except when i thought I was pregnant, said i had a boyfriend in the service. Anyway this Dugger thing is bringing all kinds of memorys up and I can't handle them. I have therapist and psych dr, only my therapist knows but i have told her we can't talk about it but this seems a good tine to start. i will call her tomorrow.

[healingme4me]

[ThingWithFeathers]

Seems like he needs to practice what his church preaches. I'm sorry this happened to you

[Mrs. Mania]

I can somewhat relate. My older brother molested me for a year. When it came out at a Dr appt. I was considered the family wrecker because he apologized to my mom (?) and I wouldn't forgive (let it go!)

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by Mrs. Mania

I can somewhat relate. My older brother molested me for a year. When it came out at a Dr appt. I was considered the family wrecker because he apologized to my mom (?) and I wouldn't forgive (let it go!)

Yeah, I'm the home wrecker in my family of origin. Because I dared attend adult children of alcoholics for one thing, and dared to talk about what happened in our family for another.

I would like to get to the point where I can forgive the people in my life who have caused me the most pain (mostly family members), but I don't see any reason to forgive the stranger who molested me. I'm not even sure what that would mean.

I don't think forgiveness is something others should pressure you to do.

To me, forgiveness is not mandatory for the survivor to extend.

To me, even if abusers can show they are sincerely repentant (sincere apologies, sincere remorse over the harm caused, making amends, not expecting forgiveness, willing to take responsibility), it STILL doesn't mean they automatically must be forgiven.

I feel that often, people preach forgiveness in a way which victim-blames - example, "you have to forgive and not hang onto bitterness." Imposing their values onto survivors.

I believe forgiveness is not mandatory nor is unforgiveness a "sin". Some hurts may be unforgivable, because they're such atrocious violations.

I'm sorry that the Duggar thing is difficult for all of you.

*offers a bag of hugs for anyone who feels they'd like some*

[shakespeare47]

What I've learned is that one can have peace of mind without actually having to forgive. Lack of forgiveness doesn't automatically mean one has harmful anger or resentment.

[Mrs. Mania]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

What I've learned is that one can have peace of mind without actually having to forgive. Lack of forgiveness doesn't automatically mean one has harmful anger or resentment.

The first 20 years, I had peace of mind and pity for my brother. The last 10 years I have had anger and resentment. I'm glad we live 6 hours away. I've never revealed this.....EVER - He had a heart attack a few years ago and I hoped he would die. I even fantasized about how awkward the funeral would be when I refused to attend. Ugh