[CopperStar]

My father was the abuser, and my mother was the enabler. She would let him do whatever he wanted to my brother and me, and only protect herself. Sometimes she would run away without us. After the divorce she kept dumping us off at his place so she could go on dates. In her wedding photos (second wedding) I look absolutely awful, physically ill and fresh SH cuts on my arms. I often had to use myself as bait to protect my younger brother because she wouldn't, she was too busy with boyfriends, on vacations, etc. When I was little I tried to tell some women at the church about what was happening, they called CPS who wound up investigating. My mother convinced CPS that I was going though a "lying phase" and they backed off. She then told me that I was never to tell anyone ever again, called me a liar and told me that if my father went to jail, it would be all my fault. She made me hysterically bawl and convinced me that I was a horrible person who didn't love my parents.

To this day my mother is still in full-blown denial. She will tell the story that she heroically protected and rescued my brother and me, and it is all such a load of crock. Also to this day she tells me that I was always a liar. She even made up an example of how when I was 4 years old, I told other children that my brother was dying of terminal cancer in order to manipulate them into giving me their toys. You know, because 4 year olds know all about terminal cancer.

I honestly feel like all of the times my father every physically or sexually abused me, all of it combined does not compare to the mental and emotional damage my mother dealt to me. I feel the most rage towards my mother, even though she never physically abused me. I have never been able to forgive her after all these years. Sometimes the rage is so bad I just want to crack her in the jaw. It's maddening.

Can anyone relate?

[CANDC]

Hi copperstar. I am so sorry for what you endured and experienced abuse as a child. No one should have to go through it. But it sounds like you are a survivor and aiming to deal with it. But it is hard without a therapist and guide. Therapy is covered by most medical insurance, medicaid, and affordable care act insurance.

I too have felt a lack of self esteem and trust. Psych Central has many more compassionate people than the world in general, or at least it seems that way to me.

I never felt loved until I started caring about others more or at least as much as myself. I bet there are others on the forum survivors of abuse or self esteem that are asking questions you could answer. It is surprising how much love I felt when I started trying to be there for other people. You can lose nothing by trying and you just may find that the love you are seeking is here all the while, hiding in the cries of a person looking for compassion and caring.

[CopperStar]

I agree with you, I go in spurts. I also have bipolar disorder and sometimes it's a fine line between wanting to console others and also trying not to be too affected. I sort of move around on different forums periodically. Real life is a bit more difficult because I get really paranoid of people. It's like a weird bipolar paranoia + trauma issues combo.

I just can't make sense of this particular issue. I've never felt prolonged rage and resentment towards my physical abuser. I usually saw my father as like, a beast, but not as a human. I've always teetered emotionally with my mother, though. I try to see good in her and forgive her and try to see it in ways that paint her as a victim, too, or something, but there is always that crazy rage lurking around.

[Cat_Lover_58]

I think we as survivors are so strong. We often don't see it. I feel total hatred for the enabler in my life! My mother looked the other way when I told her about Grandpa getting a little too sexually inappropriate. She enabled my dad and his alcoholism. She tried to help my brother who ended up taking his life...all because she could do it all without the help of anybody or anything. She still blames me...I am the "crazy" one and I'm NOT an alcoholic! According to her I am mad at the world. I've told her I'm angry at her and she doesn't get it. There's more, but bottom line is that she just doesn't get it. My own daughters don't much like her. She talks sexually inappropriately to them and they see right through her. And she wonders why I cannot stand her!

That's my saga...I think we all must find our own way whatever that may be. Hang in there...HUGS...

[*Laurie*]

Can I relate? Ha. YES. And people who are not in the practice of taking long, hard looks within themselves, and who choose to remain in denial, will be the first to step up and deny YOUR reality.

[Quarter life]

Family are those we gather around us who nurture, support, and bring us joy...This does not always include those connected to us by blood. To hell with both your parents, that is not love.

Big hugs Copperstar. Q.L

[JosephR]

Let her have her narrative, and you focus on you.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by JosephR

Let her have her narrative, and you focus on you.

I try, but I'm currently financially dependent on her. Working on that, but it's proving to be a very slow and difficult process. The power balance right now is way out of whack, and she knows it, and it's making things a nightmare right now. I'm hoping and assuming that my mind will chill out a bit once I don't have to play along in these warped games just to get my needs met.

[Notoriousglo]

I am in the exact situation you are. Crazy to read this!

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