[darkpurplesecrets]

I just needed to reach out as I am feeling so triggered, sad, and flooded with memories. Abuse is something that never goes away; the memories, the feelings, the PTSD. I feel myself screaming within, feeling like I am trying to run but there is no where to run too----there is no way out.

Tears fill my eyes as pieces of memories and pictures fill my mind. Words could never convey the fear and anxiety I am feeling right now. I feel like my world is crashing in around me and on top of me and I cannot even seem to move out of the way.

Like I deserve to be crushed under it all and feel the pain, terror, and hurt of it all. I could not save my sisters and brother. I could not save myself. I could not make everything okay, but see I was the oldest, the one who should have been able to protect them, to help them, to go through it all so they would not have had to ever know what I had already known for a long time.

Everything feels so heavy. Like I am floating within all the memories and the screaming, yelling, hitting, and watching it all on a TV that does not shut off, has no volume control, just screams back at me over and over. And all I want to do is turn it off, make it as though it never happened, hide it all within as once it was and no one ever knew the secrets. The secrets that never really mattered then and often times feels doesn't matter now.

Over and over my head sees what no one else can see, feels the blow by blow hits as they fill my mind; what the walls that surrounded me then held and if only they could have talked they would have told a horror story. The walls would have been red, full of pain, fear, images no one would have looked upon, and death....of a child that felt as though she carried the burden of the world and the secrets abuse created and made all of her hide deep within.

I want out. I want the end to come. I want the show to stop repeating over and over. It was too much. It is still too much even now. As an adult now one would think I could forget, forgive, and let it go. But I am failing. I cannot, no matter how much I want to or how hard I try......

It still plays as though it was all those yesterdays all over again. And I still feel like that little girl trying so hard to hold the world together, behind the glass....still banging for anyone to just hear, to just know, to just please help me. Just someone to care.

I was and am afraid, it will never end or stop. No matter how hard I try, how hard I work.......it still plays over and over again. And I am so afraid and still...........

wishing it would end or maybe I would end......................

[kindachaotic]

DPS, would like to think you have had or still work with a T.
The child isn't at fault, the adults/environment is what shaped you & stole your childhood.
Even if you gave you life as a child to save your siblings. They apparently would have suffered the same fate. So, being there as a child, you were no match for the actions of adults. You did nothing to deserve what transpired.
Maybe with time & effort you'll realize there's nothing you could have done to protect yourself & siblings. Not physically & certainly not able to process this at such a young age. You did your best. That's all you can ask of yourself.
I pray the constant noise in your head & the nightmares you experience will ease & you can get relief/sleep. Please don't give up. If you have tools, keep trying to use them. Easier said than done I know.
Just know you've been heard & acknowledged.
Take care of yourself.
(((gentle hugs)))

[darkpurplesecrets]

Thank you for caring ((((kindachaotic)))). It means more than you know to know someone cared enough to even read and answer. I wish I could write what is within myself but I know now that keeping it within and hidden all over again is best.

Wondering what I am here for you means, is it just words to say to suffice? Or does it mean something else, and as long as it is a secret so no one else knows we can somehow care, we will? Has time run out and now it is too late? Are we wasting time here as a human being just taking up space that would be best for someone worthy of anything? Just questions that is all. Just questions....

[Open Eyes]

I am here for you means someone is willing to listen and comfort and support you, someone understands the challenge and how difficult it is too.

I have been experiencing a lot of floods myself lately. I went to see my T today, frustrated as usual. He told me it's important that I don't beat myself up when I have them and to make sure I give myself credit for trying to stand up for myself too. Being able to stay strong in challenging situations can definitely be hard with PTSD, so it's important to give yourself credit when you do, and also allow yourself to be patient when a cycle or flooding takes place.

(((Caring Supportive Hugs)))
OE

[sabby]

((((((((((((( dps ))))))))))))))))

My heart goes out to you my friend for I see the struggles you are going through and if I could do anything at all to make them less difficult for you, I hope you know that I would. I'm glad you were able to post about your feelings. It's important to get them out and it's important to know that people read, listen and care.

Wondering what I am here for you means, is it just words to say to suffice? Or does it mean something else, and as long as it is a secret so no one else knows we can somehow care, we will? Has time run out and now it is too late? Are we wasting time here as a human being just taking up space that would be best for someone worthy of anything? Just questions that is all. Just questions....

May I ask if this is Anabel who wrote this part that I quoted? I think it is but wanted to make sure if I was right or not. Whoever did write it, thank you for writing. You ask good and valid questions. Let's see if I can answer them and you understand my answers okay?

Saying that "I am here for you" can mean a number of different things. They are all good things. It can mean that someone is here to listen to what you have to say. It could mean that someone is physically able to be face to face with you to listen and maybe have a conversation with you. It could mean that some folks are here to support you even if all they can do is give a virtual hug, just to let you know that they care about you.

Sometimes people have a difficult time feeling their emotions, especially if those emotions were not something they were either allowed to feel or were told they were never to feel them. What we all work on is how do we connect with someone else, even if we don't understand our own feelings or how we are supposed to express them. If this is something you are struggling with, please know it's okay to take your time and explore those feelings. You have a right to your feelings whether they be good or bad ones.

It's never too late my friend. You are not just taking up space. You have a reason for being here just like I do. I hope that someday soon you will find your reason for being here. No one could take your place, at least not in my life. To me, you are definitely worthy of being here, of being heard and of being understood. I look forward to the day when we can talk again. It's been a long time since we talked.

I just wanted you to know that I read what you wrote and that I do care and want to understand. I am......here for you dear one. Reach out when you can, I will reach back.