[MissCharlotte]

I remember thinking about healing as a linear process, one that would begin where I was and then I would go through the stages and boom-I would be better. I realize now that it is a spiral, a continuum where we experience our grief, anger, pain over and over again. Each time, another layer gets peeled away (or not). Healing is not linear--it is a lifelong process and that concept is overwhelming to me. So I hide behind other roles, roles where I am not an abused person, but a happy one who is "clean." Oh what a mess I am!

((sister)) I remember asking my T if I would always feel like this, having memorys of the past. She said if I can imagine it like I am looking back at my past through a telescope, all I can see is that restricted sight, eventually the telescope will move back and more of the today will become visible, and my focus will emcompass the now as well as the past, my focus will get bigger.

[Perna]

I like your spiral image sister, I experience it like that too but don't forget the spiral gets smaller and smaller like a conch shell as you get to the top (or look up from the bottom big rungs). Mouse's T's telescope image is right too.

I remember the exact instance when my T said to me, "like that" when I was sad from a memory for a moment and then let it go and moved on. It turns into a momentary soft sadness instead of being so sharp and "sticky".

[MissCharlotte]

Perna & Mouse,

Yes I can understand both the conch and the telescope. But I have had a difficult time with the sort of "in between" phases, if you wlll. Perna, I never relly felt the sadness as sharp and sticky, it is more like a bomb or the soft sadness with no in between. When I was feeling like a bombing survivor a few months ago I finally went on anti-d's, I had been numb as anything and in a state of terror because of current triggers to old trauma. Now that I am feeling a little better, I am very much softened (I think due to the meds). However, i don't cry, I just feel sad. I'm looking for the middle ground in this spiral so I m not bouncing off the walls.....hmmmm

[Gabby2007]

Sister,
I hope it's not too late to comment, I'm new but I can relate to your post about healing not being linear...mine seems to cycle wtih each developmental phase I'm in.

I did alot of recovery work some years past, and what I never expected or was prepared for, was when my own children began arriving at that age I was when the abuse started (my folks died and then I lived with three families until I was 18). I have three children and looking at my kids as they turned 10 and in 4th grade, seeing my eldest son now who is 15, it has triggered such intense trauma.

time to rework the layers, huh?

[MissCharlotte]

Oh Gabby you're not kidding!

My oldest is 25 and this year triggered so much stuff in me that my inner child just fell apart!

I just never expected it to resurface so vehemently again, so back I am working with T and healing pieces that I never knew existed and some I knew were there but thought were long since healed.

Welcome to PC!

[Gabby2007]

Sister,
OMG OMG OMG

you and Inny both in the same 24 hrs completely different contexts but both mentioned that 'Inner Child'....

If I take the time to write it out, it might not sink in, but I think my awakening is about it's my INNER CHILD that is wounded and abandoned and abused and neglected, and I will work on that......

.....and concurrent to that, my Adult Self CAN and WILL function.

It's my inner child that wants to hide.

thanks for ~ well, thanks!

[MissCharlotte]

Yes, and because you are a mother you can parent your inner child because you know how to. I take mine to the beach regularly. (A safe place in my mind). I even have a real doll on my dresser now that she never had!