Forgot how to use TRIGGER ICON. TRIGGER MAYBE

I clicked on the TRIGGER ICON but it does not show .. So this may be a TRIGGER to some.. I do not know.....

I just do not understand how something in my childhood could affect my whole life. How can something you do not have detailed recall of cause such chaos in ones life? When I try to remember, even I, the one being hurt has no face, and the one messing with me has no face. How then do I know it was me or the neighbor? I know I was in the basement/cellar in the house next to mine. I was wearing a dress. I went home without my panties. I earned a paper lunch bag of assorted penny candy. I have no idea what happened. I was in the woods/field with tall grass. The neighbor was there. He peed in front of me, I can feel sprinkles of his pee hitting my leg and my leg is wet. I have a sick feeling inside that he made me do oral sex on him. But I do not know for sure. The counselor said oral sex was not done in the 50s, so I do not know if it happened or not. I see in my mind;s eye, my brother standing with his back turned while his friends had fun with me. But again I am not sure......OK, this is all I can remember. The counselor I was seeing said the neighbor prob only masterbated over me. shrugs shoulders...

Since my memories are not detailed and I do not even feel connected to what I do remember, I do not understand how my childhood has affected me adult life..

Grant it, I have made a mess of my life. Therapy only highlighted negatives and so I have accepted the negatives and lost the positives.

I honestly believe my (choices) in life has made me what I am today. I am the result of my choices in life and not the result of childhood. How in the world can a childhood I do not (feel) be responsible for my messed up life today? Does not make sense to me..

I think I am still angry that while in counseling, this childhood stuff was the main focus. I do not understand why (current) problems were not dealt with in counseling..I do not know why an educated person with diplomas all over his wall, stating to be an expert, did not see that childhood was not my problem. Childhood did not cause me to crash. It was an abusive, unhappy middle eastern marriage that crushed my spirit. Not childhood.. This is how I feel. This is what I understand. Am I missing the (big picture) somehow.. more or less, i am prob missing a few screws in the head. ha but then if i even had one screw in my head, i do believe i would be screwed...

For radioflyer,

You are right in saying it seemed 'therapy only highlighted negatives, so I have accepted the negatives.......and LOST the positives........'

I get lost on all the negatives of life too......it's a slippery slope one must avoid at all costs.....I have a shady past too but perhaps with a new T you can focus on what is going on in your life right now!!

You write well and I, too, have made a mess of my life yet I am happy to say in the last eight months I have turned it around and that is my hope for you...

The fact that you don't feel connected to these bad memories shows your heart lives for the here & now....

write us again and let us know more about your life and any new ideas you have- thinking of you- junerain

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radio_flyer said:
I have a sick feeling inside that he made me do oral sex on him. But I do not know for sure. The counselor said oral sex was not done in the 50s, so I do not know if it happened or not.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
<font color="green">Oral sex happened long before the 50's, I have no ideal where your counselor is getting his/her information but it is not that recent a development. I have read texts that talk about it happening in the third century. Personally I would be furious with a therapist who said that I was 'only masturbated over'!!!

The childhood stuff relates as it sets a stage for future issues and present problems, however a therapist should address what the client wishes to address.

None of this stuff is easy, you're brave to post it here. I hope you get a counselor/therapist you can work with soon. Safe hugs if you want them.</font>

Hi Junerain. I like your nic.

Good point you made on getting lost on the negatives.. "that it is a slippery slope one must avoid at all costs." I think I triggered myself when I responded to the He's Dead thread and all of the years in therapy surfaced. And therapy was the "birth" of my negativity. I always had hope, but lost it during those years. I gave up on life for many years and basically existed day to day. I pushed my friends away. And I shy away from getting close to anyone. Just recently, I "at times" try to get back to the "living" of life and at times chatting with people. I bounce back and forth tho. Maybe in time since I am trying, I will be back to the "living" full time.....

My "shady" past is basically a series of abusive relationships and bad marriages. I never used drugs or alcohol. Except, I must admit I have recently developed a taste for the "fruit of the vine" as being red wine. Nice stuff indeed. : Is odd that I seem to function better after a few glasses of wine.

Before therapy I always lived in the here and now. After therapy I seem to "at times" get stuck in the past and anger surfaces over the years in therapy that only led me to that "slippery slope" and I slid to the bottom and stayed there because I was not able o climb back up...I eventually gave up and quit life, then quit therapy.

Life is a little better these days. I do go out of the house now. Have been planting a flower and veggie garden. I even had a yard sale and was exposed to many people and even talked to them without trembling in my shoes or spacing out. I have not yet been able to go in a store yet. In time I guess that too will happen.

I am so glad your life has turned around for the better. You give me hope that my life too, can turn around too..I guess time will tell ..As for doing therapy again, I doubt that will happen. But then who knows, I may stumble upon a T that understands and can help me pave the way to a better future

safe huggs
rf

Hi dalila...

I was not aloud to get angry or "furious" with the T. He pretty much controlled the sessions. And made it clear that he fires clients that upsets him. So I had to be a "good lil girl" or be fired. And I was too scared and messed up to have a T fire me. Although I did say to him, "what benefit am I getting from this therapy" and tried to quit a few times. He put me on such a guilt trip and saying I was not well enough to quit and that he was trying to understand me...So I stayed for 7 years. I think I stayed because I liked his voice. He had such a nice tone to his voice. Was soothing. Other than that, therapy was only a hindrance for me...

See that is what I don't understand. Your comment that childhood stuff sets a stage for future and present issues. If I have limited recall of childhood, how can childhood be part of my present and future life. Oh I should add, I had, that is until therapy, thought my childhood was the greatest. I guess a childhood can be the greatest at times and maybe not so great at other times. Is just hard to balance the not so good with what I thought was the greatest. Kind of broke my bubble.. Actually, I was shattered, when the bad memories surfaced. Rained on my parade big time

Looks like the T was wrong about the oral sex. I pray I am wrong too.. That it did not happen..I do not want to believe an adult would do that to me. Maybe it is denial. Just that sick feeling inside when I think about it. Maybe It is just a feeling and not true..

safe huggs
rf