Letter to an abusive parent

Has anyone ever been asked b a therapist to write a letter to an abusive parent? Or maybe you've decided to do it on your own. My T has asked me to write one to my father since he, according to her, still holds too much power over my life. She's tried to get me to "talk" to him in session (say how I feel, how his abuse affected me, etc.) but I froze up every time. So she decided that, since writing is something I'm good at, I should write a letter to him. And, on top of that, it's homework that's actual "due" at my next session...something she's never done and now I actually have to write it. Every time I try to start this letter I can't do it. I keep thinking that my father wouldn't let me say any of what's in my head--what I should be writing down, to him. And I KNOW that he has no control now but this is just so hard.

Really I'm just posting this to see if anyone has had to write a letter to their abuser, and to see if anyone has some advice on how to write it/let go of any fear or anxiety of being completely honest in the letter? I guess I just needed to vent a little bit, too because this is a really frustrating task..

You should write that letter, get it all out, release the truth. I wouldn't actually give him the letter tho.
I would take that letter and have a little ceremony, slowly rip it up and burn it. With that I would let go of my 'father' he would be dead to me.
Now time to grieve and move on with therapy, EFT or whatever it takes.

Thanks, marmaduke. I'm going to try and write it. I think it will be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do though..

My violent and abusive dad died when I was 16. I don't miss him.

I never wrote him a letter....but my counselor did tell him to go visit his grave and tell him what I needed to say. It was February 2011 and I was the only one there.

I felt better for a while. But new things have popped up since I moved to a new part of the country, and I feel I need to do it again.

Sorry this is a little late. My dad went to prison for abusing me and I sent him a letter shortly after he went in. I basically vented all my feelings, anger, grief, guilt, etc, then I posed a list of questions for him to answer. I felt like I could do it because I knew he was powerless. The letter was very aggressive. What I got back from him was weak, rambling, deflecting. He didn't apologize or answer my questions.

Just wanted to share that. He was still my dad so I felt guilty emasculating him but it was something I needed to do. This letter is for you, so you need to free yourself of any guilt or fear. Pretend like he's in prison and he can't get to you.

Just thinking about confronting them turns my stomach. I'd rather just not speak of it anymore. My personality has been fragmented, and talking to them is going to fix nothing.

Before my father dies I am going to ask him why he beat me on several occasions. He is about 70 now and I have not been afraid of him for the last decade or so.

Are we talking about a letter you actually send or something addressing the abuser that's just for you/something not meant to be given to the abuser?

It was important for me to journal, sometimes addressing my father, and parsing out everything that happened. I lived in denial of the sexual abuse for so long that I have to reclaim and look at my personal history in a new perspective. So out of nowhere some things will just hit me, "Oh that's what that was all about" and then I'll journal furiously.

It's not fun and it feels like sometimes I'm spending 24 hours a day thinking about the molestation, but it's a part of healing and every day is better. The difference between how I felt at the end of August and how I feel now in October is incredible.

Would I ever actually send a letter to my dad or confront him about the abuse? No, not unless I decided I wanted to press charges, which is within my rights until I'm 48 years old (statute of limitations in my state). My abuser is a narcissistic sociopath -- he's not going to change. He's never felt remorse for anything he's ever done and he's not going to admit he was sexually inappropriate with me throughout my life.

With my father, it was all about control. His aim from the moment I was born until the day I stopped speaking to him, was to control me and dominate me. If he was here right now, he'd be doing it right now. This advice helped me finally face the truth: You are the authority on your experience. No one else. You don't need anyone to interpret what happened for you or validate your feelings about the abuse. You don't have to hide; the shame isn't yours. It belongs to the abuser. Trust yourself and give yourself that power to say what it is you know in your heart to be true. The abuser doesn't have to accept the truth, it's there whether we accept it or not.

I did that once. In my case all I wanted was to tell him (my step-grandfather) that what he did to me was abuse. He wasn't physically violent with me but there were outbursts of anger, yelling, lectures, and it could sometimes come out of nowhere. And for the longest time I didn't realize that was legitimate abuse. So once I did and started to process and grieve over it, I decided to write him a letter simply stating something like "You may not realize it, but your treatment of me was abuse." It was weird for me. I felt that I should give him an opportunity to acknowledge the wrong if he chose to, just in case he hadn't realized it. I left my feelings out of it. I don't know if I'll ever have THAT talk with him. At this point I don't know if it matters to me anymore. He's since apologized to me (it took a few years... I was lucky and moved away and he didn't really keep in contact) and hinted at wanting a relationship but I don't know when I'll be ready for that. But I also know he was abused as a child and a lot of what he did to me and to my grandmother was just his anger at his father coming out and misdirected at us. He was hurting. Knowing that helped me to forgive him.

Of course, you do what works for you. Just sharing my experience.