[starfruit504]

I cut my father out of my life earlier this year. Although the idea of it was scary, it was quite easy. He lives almost 2000 miles away and it's something I always knew I had to do if I ever wanted to be happy. Besides being sexually and physically abusive when I was younger, he is emotionally abusive to everyone around him all the time. The only people who associate with him today are his employees.

I'm happier. I'm finally free. I also recently got to a point in my therapy where I don't feel like I'm thinking about the abuse constantly. I'm not always processing things that happened. I'm actually in the present moment sometimes.

Then I started having dreams where my dad shows up. Nothing sexually or physically abusive happens. We're just sitting in a restaurant or at a family gathering. He's just there talking nicely, sometimes imparting that he cares about me. I usually realize in the dream that I'm not supposed to be there and I think, "It's okay, we'll get away again and never come back."

I don't like seeing him in my dreams. It feels intrusive to me, like everything he did my whole life. I get up in the morning and tell my husband, "I just saw that ***hole again." My husband says he may always show up in dreams and there's nothing I can do. I'm in between sessions right now, so I don't know what my T would say.

Has anyone else had this happen? How did you handle it? Is it always a part of your life?

[TerriLynn]

Hmmm... I don't dream of my SM. Thank God! But, I wonder, can you consider him showing up in your dreams in another way? Maybe, think of this "dream father" as the father that you should have had, and are getting now, if only in your dreams?

I don't know, just throwing it out there! I don't know how I would deal with that. I dream of my mother, who was an alcoholic and neglectful, but not mean ever. It doesn't make me unhappy to dream of her, but she is gone now, so maybe that is why.

[starfruit504]

I wish I could lucid dream because then I'd tell him to "get the **** out of here."

He never seems like a better dad in my dreams. He just seems like the same guy at his least obnoxious. It doesn't make me like him any better. His presence mostly just makes me not myself - I could never be myself around him or ever say what I thought because it would start an argument. We have nothing in common. He has strong opinions on everything (even things he has no experience with) and he has to be right about everything otherwise he would literally disown me.

It's not as simple as "Just don't talk about politics." He will say things like "Black people are genetically inferior to white people and therefore can't learn anything." or "Women shouldn't be allowed to vote." or "Every woman who HAS to work and can't stay home with the kids has failed as a wife and a mother."

So when I see him in my dreams, I'm suppressing myself. I'm filtering and subjugating my needs. And I'm a little afraid of him because I never confront him. I just do what I always did, which is just carefully walk egg shells and count the minutes until I'm away from him.

I really will try to set boundaries in my dreams, if I can break through at all I'll tell him "You don't belong here. Get out."

[TerriLynn]

Ok, I understand better, so it isn't that he is a great guy in the dreams, just not at his worst.

The whole comment about a woman who HAS to work has failed, how about no, the MAN has failed to provide for his family!! LOL!

I get a very clear picture of him, I had a chauvinistic uncle. He would make his wife get up to get him a beer, wait on him had and foot and was a complete sexist pig. I am pretty sure he hit her too. He was horrible to be around, people quit associating with him.

That would be really hard to deal with him popping up in dreams, you cant even control that! I am so sorry!

[RainbowG]

This isn't uncommon. Our dreams help us process our pain. It's part of healing.

I went NC with my parents 13 years ago. For years I had similar dreams. They would boss me around, and I'd react the way I did in real life, i.e., by doing whatever they wanted to keep them quiet.

As I started working on deeper issues from the abuse, I started fighting back in my dreams. I'd scream at them, fight with them, and even sometimes throw things at them. Sometimes I'd wake up physically exhausted from the effort!

Now, 13 years later, I still often dream of my parents, but it's hardly ever a situation where I'm letting them boss me around or fighting their intrusion. Instead, they're just characters in the dream, like strangers are.

Personally, I think my parents often reflect abusive parts within me, sort of the parts of me that still feel like I need to obey them, even though they're not a part of my life anymore. So working through those feelings and living more authentically changes how they appear in my dreams.

Lucid dreaming, incidentally, may not be of help. Just because you can consciously tell your father to go away in a lucid dream doesn't mean he will. Lucid dreaming can only support healing; it's not a magic cure.

I'm sorry that his appearance in your dreams gets to you, but honestly, it's a natural part of the healing process. Like nightmares, the sitatution will get better as you heal. I doubt our abusers can ever completely disappear from our dreams, but they can appear as regular dream characters without the emotional baggage of the abuse.

[starfruit504]

TerriLynn, oh yeah. My dad was the guy who spent half his time in the kitchen but wouldn't know where to find a single thing in there.

Rainbow, so it will go on. I've have dreams where I've screamed at him before, but I don't want to, it upsets me. On the other hand, I hate when I just sit there complacently. The most I can hope for is for it to not have the emotional payload any longer. Patience is a virtue.

[DechanDawa]

My experience is that if you accept the dreams as working on a deeper level they will transform, in time. It's hard to have stressful dreams so during the day try to be kind to yourself. I have had stressful dreams where I feel disempowered. I just observe and detach. But as I feel more empowered in waking life my dreams change, and those people who once had control over my emotions end up showing up in dreams as weak and ineffectual. Give it time. Good luck.

[littleowl2006]

Ok, I am no expert at all when it comes to dream interpretation.
But it seems to me that his presence in your dream could represent the presence of the past abuse in your life, and your aversion of him sitting there is your aversion of that chapter. - It doesn't happen anymore, but it did, and the memories stay seated at the table like your father. Nothing can make that go away, even though it doesn't repeat itself.
I am glad to read that you have a nice and supporting husband