Rambling in my brain...

Im not diagnosed with depression but i think its more of a given and very apparent right now. I have BPD, PTSD, GAD, possible Attachment Disorder and suicdal ideations though thats, at the moment, its a bit more 'on the edge'.

Not a clue why Im posting this. Maybe someone can help, or at least understand...maybe not, I dont know.

I grew up in a cult from ages 6 to 18 headed by my step dad & mother and the cult beliefs of me very much still rule my way of thinking about myself. More about that on my bio if anyone wants to read it. I can list them but i see that pointless.

I cut & "punished" for the first time in almost a month 2 nights ago and still extremely depressed. Would likely end it if the fear of death isnt so strong but i cant help to wonder what happens when the pain becomes greater than that fear?

I didnt do any of the self done rituals or punishments either for almost a month. That urge is back now. "Must do it to satisfy god" though if i could beat "god"'s head in with a baseball bat, I would. Though I cant help but to wonder if this "god" is punishing me for being a horrible person. Stupid I know but I find myself wondering that all the time. Maybe this is my punishment for what a did.

A massive urge to distory my entire house as well over the last few days. Im at work at the moment, an urge to throw my work computer across the room and smash everything, both monitors & everything to bits. Anger? Probably. Probably self anger as i cant stand myself, not sure why I long for others to like me. Why would they?

I wanted to throw my fist through the mirror last night. What i see looking back at me is the most horrific monster on the planet!

Blame has shifted from me to them before I joined here but i am wondering if its shifted back. I am defending them again. I am the blame for it all because i was born and it wasnt supposed to be me here, I was supposed to be an abortion. It was supposed to be the baby that died at 2 hrs old 2 yrs before i was born. He was supposed to live, not me.

I deserved it all. For what i did, I deserve any bad thing that happens today.

Its my mom's birthday in a week and a half. Mine a month after but his, the wanted boy, is 7 days before my birthday. Maybe thats the trigger. I dont know. Dont know much these days other then i wish id stop messing everything up....and i wish i had the guts to do what i really want to and end my suffering, end the fight...but im the coward....

Hello lostinsidemyself: Thank you for sharing your struggle. I also struggle with allot of anger (much of it directed at myself) plus suicidal ideation. I worry sometimes about what might happen if I ever truly lost control of my anger. Hopefully I would just take another whack at myself & not strike out at others... but it's difficult to be sure...

I also have allot of generalized anxiety. I pretty-much just keep to myself 24 / 7. I know that if anyone really knew me, they would want nothing to do with me. So I save them the trouble & just stay solitary.

Nowadays I simply strive to live in the present moment accepting things as they are. Happiness is not even something I pursue. But it is so difficult to overcome all that one has experienced in one's past. It can be like a ball-&-chain one can't help dragging along no matter what. I hope that, in some way, you can find the inner strength to overcome your despair & find peace.

(((hugs)))

Lostinsidemyself,

None of this was your fault. None of this. Seriously. And you're not a coward.

Cults are bad news.... Full of brainwashing garbage to destroy its members .... You are fine the way you are ..... Don't let cult ******** make you believe you are less of a person .... An acquaintance of mine was trapped in a cult ... There are specialists to reprogram cult members... Maybe you should look into it.... All the best and YOU are beautiful xx

Cults = "brainwashing", recovery = deprogramming. ((( lost )))

I know myself well enough to know I would NEVER strike out physically at another person. That coming from someone whom planned out an entire murder suicide plot at age 14 but i didnt go through with it and dont think i would of been able to....and it was my abusers anyway, i just wanted it to stop and at 14 didnt know of any other way for it to.

Today all of my anger is directed at myself. I do explode verbally when my anxiety gets in the "red zone" and the 2 people i generally explode on fights it...if they just let it go, it calms down way faster.

The rest of my anger is directed at and taken out on myself....

Accepting things as they are...not that good at that right now but working on it.

This thread was written during a tailspin (towards the end of it) but was by far the worst one yet.

Thank you for all of your kind words!

Blame shifted off me onto them about a month ago (which was the highest concentration of emotiinal pain ive EVER felt, was balled up in the fetal position in the recliner I sleep in, not just crying my eyes out ((which i never cry)) but was also throwing up in a garbagae can...i think i was feeling the weight of my full past as it shifted) but i was scared yesterday due to blaming myself again for it all that it had shift back over to me...something my brain badly wants to do. But learned today that it didnt. Was just tailspinning very badly and it just felt that way.

Thank you for reminding me that blame is theirs and not mine!

Yes, i think that since it was my step dad & my mom and my mom was reassuring me in my younger yrs that this was correct, it sorta cemented it more.

Ive heard of "reprogram" specialists before but my therapist is doing a great job. It was for yrs very tightly packed and he says it loosening up a lot...and even faster now that blame has shifted.

Its just frustrating!

Deprogramming =

Oh, thank goodness. And no problem. Honestly, you are incredibly brave and incredibly strong.

I dont feel brave and strong...but thank you!

I think you are. You survived something absolutely horrific, something nobody should have to endure. You're here, and you're healing. That's what makes you brave, that's what makes you strong.

And no problem. Seriously.

Thank you! For all of that!

No problem.