i'm afraid of men

When I was a young girl my father always raped my mother and abused her in every possible way. When I was 11 she finally got fed up and killed herself. Soon after father (sometimes with my uncle as well or friends) raped me at least 3 times a week until I was old enough to leave the house. He threatened to kill me if I ever said something and I was scared and born with mental illness I didn't know any better. I remember being drugged and feeling his hands on my lady parts. He video taped me, hit me and emotionally abused me and sometimes even starved me.
I tried to get over it. But the memories come back daily.
Flash forward, I get engaged to my high school sweetheart. My husband turned abusive. I have always been afraid of men. I am timid, quiet and I have multiple personality disorders. He made me feel safe and loved and he took care of me. About 4 months after our engagement he hit me. Broke two of my ribs and a bloody nose. But I didn't want to leave because it physically hurts when I think by myself. I need someone to help me think and not fall into depression.
The last straw was when he held me over a balcony and threatened to drop me if I didn't say I loved him while I was upset.
I live alone now and I was touched at the library about a month ago. I am so hurt and I feel so dirty. My mental health is at a low. I have no will. I keep crying and to top it off my father decided to call me.
I need to have a mate but I am so afraid of men but living by myself is dangerous for me. I keep hurting myself and pulling out my hair and my pills aren't working. I cannot bring myself to go to my therapist and I haven't left my house since then and I'm a mess.
Also I am afraid of men judging me if I dated one. Sex is a sensitive topic for me and the way I do "it" is weird to some people and I get looked on as a freak. The way I look and act (as if i'm a child) is unattractive. I don't know who would like me

Hello pwoo: I'm so sorry you have experienced such pain in your young life. It seems that wherever you have turned, you have simply encountered more trauma. No one deserves to be treated the way you have been. Hopefully being here on PsychCentral can be of some comfort & support.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

That is horrific. PLEASE, PLEASE find the courage to speak with a therapist. All of the trauma you experienced, is way too much to live with without help. Fear will keep you from doing things. Try to think of yourself as worthy of having a better life. Call a few therapists and ask them if they have experience with all you have gone through. Sometimes a therapist will work with you over the phone. you are punishing yourself, and the people who need to be punished are the horrific people who abused you. I am a moderator of an abused survivors' group, if you ever want to talk...you can pm me. With love, Nicole

Hi there! I agree with the other posters here that you should highly considering seeing a therapist. There is nothing wrong with you. You have just been through so much and are experiencing a lot of pain. You didn't deserve any of that. That is so horrible. You are a very strong person. Please consider seeing a therapist. I think that they may really help you, but you do need some support. It's tough going through your abuse alone, and you don't deserve that. You will be okay. -hugs with your consent-

You can't live by yourself, I get that. There are options, though. Have you considered going into assisted living? They'd help you with appointments and such. If you have medicade and/or disability then you'll most likely be accepted and assisted through the services they provide or have reference to. You've been through enough trauma and it's time for you to start getting some real help. I'm sorry that all of this has happened to you, though.
I do have to say that I see a strength in your post that maybe you aren't aware of. You're able to talk about this, even if only here. I still haven't been able to discuss what happened to me. I dance around it but that's all I can do. There's a strength in that. A sort of power, if you will. Notice and be proud of these things, after some time it could help build up some self-esteem.