[whiterage]

i was sexually abused as a kid. it was a couple of uncles who always "visited" my room in the night whenever I stayed over in their places (for holidays) and fondle my private parts. Then somehow (I don't remember this clearly) I started having this same fondling games (with the sons of these uncles) around the same age... all these went on before the age of 10. After that age, i moved away and trained myself to forget it all... though I have always been weird about sex and remained a virgin until i got married in my late 20s...

(i still retain a lot of anger at my own parents for leaving me at these uncle's places, though i tried to tell them what happened to me by these uncles, they never really were willing to listen, so i gave it up)

anyway im now an adult with the usual problems adults have... bills, existendial crisis, problems with spouse, depression... to cope with it all I recently started on a journal writing program called the artist's way... ever since i started doing it, i have been remembering those old abuse episodes... and in the recent week (i am mid-way through the program) horror of horrors, been having pedophilic wet dreams... i even cringe when I write this... I am really really disgusted with myself... I actually do not work in a job that has proximity with kids, but I AM in a responsible position in society and it is slowly killing me inside that I am no better than a pedo...

i am a woman btw. i have never had a kid (am 34 btw) becos im scared out of my mind to have kids as i have always felt like i never can really watch over a child 24/7 or prevent a child from getting abused by someone... even if i did i'd be one of those helicopter moms who screw up their kids lives anyway by being too oppressive... but now it looks like i have one more much more dangerous reason not to have kids... becos i am terrified i am becoming a pedo myself and how can I have kids if i am one?

pls help me... is there any book or online program that I can join and get some help... part of my mind is so angry at this artist's way program becos it has some how unearthed these monstrous memories from my mind... and im feeling so lost and confused... i live in a third world country where there is no concept called doctor-patient confidentiality. So I cannot get professional help, it would finish me off...

i just don't know what to do. but the one thing i can say with 100% truth is that I have never hurt any child ever... or had any sexual thoughts about kids during my awake state... in fact i don't even like to be alone with them, i always find an excuse not to be with them, im really unpopular in my family bcos i never offer to babysit etc... it's only these recurring wet dreams of adults abusing kids that's literally turning every night into a nightmare... pls help...

[Skeezyks]

Hello whiterage: I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. You know... you ARE NOT a pedophile! Let me repeat that... YOU ARE NOT A PEDOPHILE! You haven't done anything! Yes, you are struggling with some very disturbing dreams based on memories of things that happened to you that were not your fault! You didn't cause any of this!

It's so unfortunate that you live in a country where patient confidentiality does not exist because really what you need is to work, over an extended period of time, with a skilled mental health therapist to explore what is going on with you. This journal writing program you got into has opened you up like a proverbial can of worms & now you're left to struggle alone with the disturbing results.

I'm afraid I don't know of any books or on-line programs that would be helpful to you. And, also, given what you've experienced so far, I think you would want to be careful about trying another do-it-yourself approach. Of course you can continue to post here on PC. That may be of some help. And perhaps other members, here on PC, will yet come along with some suggestions.

I send hugs with the hope that you will be able to find your way to healing & deep peace within...

[TerriLynn]

Whiterage, I think your mind is just processing those memories in your dream state now that they are surfacing. It might do some good for you to check out EMDR therapy to help process the memories and feelings. Good luck and I hope you feel better.

I was afraid to have children also, and was scared to death when I found out that I was pregnant. I was so afraid that I would treat my child the same abusive way I was treated, especially since I saw myself behave some of the same ways when I was babysitting.

When my daughter was born and put into my arms, I knew right that minute that I would never be able to hurt her in the way I was hurt, my love was so strong and protective. And I never have. The cycle CAN be broken.

[Cat_Lover_58]

Whiterage, I'm so sorry these things happened to you. I sought out a good therapist and she's helped me though so many things. My rage is not at the abuser, my Grandfather who has been dead for a long, long time, but the anger is toward my Mother who swept the whole thing under the rug. She continues to babble on how wonderful he was. UGH!

Please be gentle with yourself. None of this is your fault. I'm in your corner and feel free to contact me if you wish. Hugs, Cat

[isurvived]

Whiterage, I am sorry for what you have been through, and the impact that still follows you. You deserved better. I applaud your courage in confronting your struggles and seeking help. Know that you are not alone. Know that with each step forward you are reclaiming your life. And know that you are NOT like the people who abused you. You are not what they did to you.

Peace,

isurvived