[Christina86]

Which is exactly how I feel right now.

I've come into this forum a few times and discussed the past situation of abuse by my stepfather.

My T, who was the first person I ever told - EVER - has been mildly pressuring me to go see another T at a centre that specializes in abuse. I really don't want to go. But T keeps pressuring. Getting to the point where he will ask IN SESSION if I want to make the appointment (you have to do a short intake interview over the phone as I've been told) while he was there. And up until this point, I've turned him down. I always thought there were more important things to do, and I kept saying I would do it later. It's been weeks - and I haven't.

Didn't seem worth it. For one, I'd have to pay for it (my T is through my university, hence free) and it's off-campus (I live in residence) and I really didn't want to talk about this with a complete stranger. Don't want to remember, don't want to go through what happened - mostly just wanting to forget anything ever happened.

But people keep saying that some of my issues might stem from this situation so that I have to deal with it to get even remotely better psychologically. Which I didn't like to hear at all, obviously.

But yes - my appointment with T is on Monday. I'll be making the phone call to the centre this next week - probably Monday after my session.

I'm petrified. What if they ask me too many intrusive questions? What if they ask who hurt me, what if they ask really personal questions like that? What if one of the two people my T recommended - what if they don't like me, what if I don't like them, what if I can't trust them, what if I can't tell them anything? What if they're mean to me? What if they push me too hard?

I'm scared. I don't think I can get through this. I know now that I need to do this, but I am so scared.

Help me. Please. Tell me I'm being irrational, tell me that it's nothing to worry about. Can you tell me what to expect?

I don't know what to do. Depending on how hard it is, T might be seeing my twice this next week. He's not going to be happy with me. But I told one friend who's been really supportive that I'm doing this and he said that that was "Great!" If it's so great, why am I scared?

I don't want this anymore. I can't deal with this pain anymore. Don't want the memories. Don't want to flinch when people touch me some places. Don't want to remember either. Can't deal with the emotions. So overwhelming.

Thanks for listening, sorry it's so long.

[MyBestKids2]

(((((((canders7))))))

I can understand how scared you are. My previous T wanted to outsource me because of my DID, but I didn't feel comfortable with anyone else but him.

Take gentle care,
Dee

[Christina86]

Thanks (((((((((((((Dee))))))))))))))))

I'm afraid he's trying to get rid of me because I'm too difficult and the minute I start seeing this new person he'll stop seeing me. I don't want that. I trust him a good amount and do like working with him (most of the time). *sigh*

Not to mention the fact that I'm actually going to have to confront all of this crap scares me. I can't waste my money by not talking or avoiding the subject - that scares me. I like having a chance to get to know the person - to begin to trust them. Not going to have much of a chance this way. Phooey.

((((((((((christina))))))))

Maybe you can see it as there is a whole group of people who want to help you. Like going to a hospital and having a team working on you. If you don't like him.. you get the power to say no... and you will have your old T. If this person is trained in trauma, they will not push you talk beyond where you are comfortable. They are trained to let you go at your own pace, so you can open up gradually. It is a bit scary though.. Sending you my support.

[Christina86]

(((((((((EV)))))))))))))))

If I say no to this new T though - she could be nice - what if my T doesn't like me then? I'm glad they won't push me. My T pushes me, but never about this. Thank you very much for your reply and support.

Maybe you should bring this up in therapy. Ask - say, i'd just like to know in advance... would you be disappointed if I don't connect or want to contiue with the new T. That would be a good discussion perhaps.

[Christina86]

((((((EV))))))))))

Awesome suggestion. Seriously. With therapy in just about 11 hours, I was wondering what I should start to talk about! Thank you,

[tranquility]

Canders,

When I went on a medically supervised liquid diet 17 years ago I lost 130 pounds and gained flashbacks to abuse that I did not remember until that point.

I had a therapist at the time that was part of the liquid diet protocol who I absolutely trusted and loved. He helped me uncover this abuse. He tried very hard to help me, but this was not his specialty. He even went to seminars on abuse issues on the weekends to try to help - I will forever be grateful for his dedication.

He finally gently pushed me to go to a survivor's group that was happening at the hospital. It was a 6 week program where "new" people discussed their stories and began the healing. It was run by two women who were psychologists.

During this group I continued to see my wonderful T and he was able to gently convince me that I needed to ask one of these women to become my primary therapist. Oh boy - I did NOT want to do that! I finally trusted this wonderful man - first time I ever fully trusted anyone, and I did not want to let go.

After many sessions of discussing this I reluctantly had to come to the same conclusion that I really need help that was far beyond his expertise. As much as it hurt, and I won't lie it really did, I made the transition to who is now still my current T. I have been with her since 1990 and she is the one who helped through those issues.

I can look back now and see how right this decision was. I loved this man and I know I wanted to stay with him because I felt safe, warm, taken care of, and admittedly had a crush on him as well. He was the rock and the base that allowed me to trust people again with my secrets and for that I will be forever grateful. My current therapist I will also be forever grateful for because she got me through my abuse issues, my divorce, subsequent relationships, my mother issues, and every other life disaster in the last 17 years!

It is not easy to deal with abuse and I absolutely understand that you are petrified, and you have every reason to be petrified it's a scary experience! However, also looking back in retrospect, I would not be where I am today had I not dealt with those issues as I did.

Did I deal with them gracefully? Not always - I did have a few melt downs and ended up in the hospital. But, I now have put all those memories in their proper place. I am reminded at times of my abuse but it no longer triggers me as it once did. If a get a reminder I simply say "oh, I know what that is and it's okay that doesnt/won't happen ever again". Then I move on.

I wish you much peace with this decision and your current T is being VERY responsible in admitting that you need additional help and that he is not equipped to give that to you.

Tranquility

[Christina86]

(((((((((((((tranquility))))))))))))))))) thank you. I know he's got his heart in the right spot... I just wish it was easier to deal with. Ah well.

[altonwoodsdrphil]

I can understand why you're afraid...what I have a harder time understanding is your therapists reasoning. you work with people to build trust, and thats not always easy,so now that he's done that,and you're ready to get into your bigger issues and he wants you to see someone else more "qualified" I guess I could understand it if he did'nt at least have a masters degree or just was'nt comfortable with those issues or had limited experience in that area...but (here I go)in my opinion,none of these things are more important than your trust and your feelings of comfort...bless your heart,its a tough thing to deal with and I think you need every advantage you can get! firstly a therapist you can trust.

[wickedwings]

i believe therapists that specialize in abuse understand how scary this is for you. you're not the only one who feels this way. the therapist will be gentle with you. should be, at least. so, you can build up trust in the therapist. but, trust is important, of course, so don't be disappointed in yourself if you don't get much out of yourself in the first session or two, or however long it usually takes. of course, telling your therapist how you're feeling helps a lot, too, since they can't read minds. I'm talking about your new therapist, of course. sorry. anyway, i know exactly how you feel about messing around with memories you don't want to deal with. i didn't either, but they had to come out. my memories did me a lot of harm, so i had to do something about them. and i'm glad i did. it took years of healing, and it worked. we're here anytime you need us.