[Toller]

It has been a few years since I last posted or visited this forum. A lot has happened in that time. I have been feeling better and coping better in those years but recently I feel like I have been sliding back. All I seem to be doing is just existing without purpose. I have started getting a bit anxious and certain types of thoughts have reared up again from my past abuse but this time I can see them much clearer than before. I have throughout my life always felt as an outsider and never fitted in anywhere. This is terrible for relationships as I feel unloved, unwanted and lonely. I don't belong anywhere. It is difficult for me to connect with other people or have any kind of bond. I am lonely all the time even though I could be surrounded by people simply by the fact I do not fit in, I am not a part of any group. I don't belong anywhere.

Now, after having said that, I am now going to contradict that to an extent because of the thoughts I have. This could possibly act as a trigger so be careful reading any further, I don't wish to upset anybody...

Possible trigger:

I do belong somewhere, that is at the whim of my abusers or anyone that abuses/uses me. I can't be accepted by a group or person except by someone who just wants to abuse me. My only place is to be abused.

That is it in black and white. It's a rather cold view but then abuse in itself is cold. Those have been the underlying thoughts for practically my entire life. It's not that these thoughts are stronger than before but that I can identify them much clearer, before they were all muddled up especially with other feelings and emotions. It's like they have been uncovered. These are strong thoughts and it was difficult even just writing it and I don't know what to expect by doing this but I feel I have to get them out rather than let them eat at me. I'm feeling low at the moment and just don't want to slide any further back into a spiral.

[Ember_42]

It sounds like you're in a really dark place right now. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with these feelings.

You aren't alone though, I've felt many of those same things at one time or another. It's emotionally overwhelming. Especially when you think you're done with it but it comes back again.

It would be good if you could talk to a therapist or counselor to help you get through this. You deserve so much more than to be stuck in what your abuser/s taught you.

[feeshee]

You just expressed my life. You are NOT alone. Hope knowing this helps you feel better Toller.

[Toller]

Thank you. I feel ashamed about these thoughts. My therapy ended a few years ago as we both felt that it was no longer beneficial, which I was in agreement with. Not that the therapy hadn't been working but I felt more able to get by and deal with things and just recently I have slipped back too far for my own liking. I've had a few slips but got out of them relatively quickly. I'm not sure if this one has been building up for a while, I am stressed out a bit more this time. I thought about going back to my therapist but I think, though I haven't checked, she is probably away back to her homeland for Christmas which she does every year for up to about 6 weeks. She lives and works in Scotland but originally from New Zealand, the exact opposite side of the world from me. I always wondered why she lived here but never asked her. If I don't feel I am getting better or am getting worse in a couple of weeks then I will try to contact her.

[nicoleflynn]

Please try not to be ashamed of your thoughts or feelings. They are ALL valid. Feelilngs aren't right or wrong, they simply are. You belong in this world just as much as anyone else.

[Lolina]

Hi Toller, you deserve happiness, love and respect. Nothing less. Hope you are feeling better.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

(((Toller)))
Thank you for posting this
Thank you for making me feel less crazy...or at least not alone in my crazy. We are worth more..hopefully we all will eventually be able to truly feel and live that worth...I know I'm not anywhere near there yet..but hopefully someday.
-lost

[coast123]

Many, many people feel the way you do. I hope that you can work through it.

[coast123]

Many, many people feel that way. So you are not alone. Abuse can make us feel isolated, and make the world seem cold. It can make us afraid to open up to people, and accept love. The good news is, you are not alone, you are not worthless. You are a human being that deserves happiness, love, and tranquility. Sometimes it is hard to find strength when you feel like you are looking at the world from the bottom of a hole in the ground, but you can have all the happiness in life that you want. It takes time, work, and more often than not, inner turmoil. I wish you the best and want you to know that you are not alone!

[Toller]

Thanks for your comments, I've been getting steadily worse. I've just sent an email off to my old therapist very briefly how I am and to try and arrange meeting. Unfortunately I can't know specific dates to make as my work rota hasn't arrived yet. The bosses messed things up (idiots!) hopefully i should receive a full rota by tomorrow. They should have had it done by last Friday at the latest. I have to sit on standby waiting to receive a call to let me know if I am working or not. Kind of ruins any plans you want to make. This itself isn't helping me any at all.

[Luce]

We have the same kinds of beliefs.
Have you tried EMDR therapy? EMDR is apparently quite good at changing these kinds of schemas.
We can't do full EMDR because of DID, but even little bits of it helps.