[Nikki321]

Oh, where to begin.... met a man almost 2 years ago through a mutual friend. I'm not the most trusting women, but fell head over heels for this charming man who danced his way into my life... we spoke constantly, he made me tell him things I have never told anyone before that early on. Making plans and hanging out seemed effortless... Then, about 6 months into the R/S, he changed. Wasnt reaching out as much, when I would text him to say hi, i'd be treated like I was a pest. If i would question it, he would call me 'insecure' and that he was busy. etc. etc. Yes, he had a crazy job and traveled alot, so I thought maybe i was sort of insecure. We still kept in touch on facebook (were both in our late 40s). He started to become real nasty toward me on Facebook posts. He was nasty to my friends on there as well, without even knowing who these people were. Arguments seemed to start over the smallest things - Like him cancelling plans, me feeling disappointed, and him yelling at me over it. I would end up apologizing for him cancelling plans on me. Made no sense, I know. This type of behavior went on for a while... with the name calling getting worse and worse and time went on. Skip ahead to the summer. He mentioned he was busy for the next 2 weeks for work, and we'd get together after it. About a week later he mentioned on FB he was off the whole week. I questioned him and said why did you tell me you were working, and now youre saying that your off? Well, He FLIPPED. FLIPPED! Before he even gave me the reason (saying his job he was hired for was cancelled), he ripped me apart.... called me "toxic" and "disgusting" and a horrible person for 'coming at him". Anyways, I ended up apologizing once again, until about 20 min after the argument, I said to myself - Wait, what did I do?!?! I re-read EVERYTHING he said to me... which was a WHOLE lot. I couldnt even get a word in the argument. I immediately blocked him on Facebook. I knew something was wrong - i just didnt know what it was!!! Anyways, he reached out via text, like nothing happened and it was just a normal day - I didnt respond for quite sometime, about a week. He kept trying to get me to talk to him. It was almost like he didnt understand why i was angry. I told him it was over, and that was it. Well, he didnt take no for an answer. He switched and kept telling me that I could never cut him off, considering how much i liked him. He just didnt GET IT. I could never do anything right. Ever. He created this crazy world for me to live in. I honestly thought i was losing my mind and dependent on his version of events. He would always say i should be thankful he wanted to stay in my life regardless of my shortcomings. He screamed and raged at me in a restaurant parking lot once because i told him I didnt like the way he talked to me sometimes..He left me by myself crying and stormed off. About 10 minutes later, he sent me a text saying he had fun, and glad he got to see me before he went away and hope i got home okay. Like nothing happened!!! No argument or conflict ever got resolved. Everything was my fault. I just had to change and everything would be okay, according to him. Besides all this, he had some fantasies that included men, and he was flipping through pictures of naked men after a while before we were intimate. It even got as bad as him even SENDING me pictures of men he thought were 'delicious". I had to get out. I ended it, i was gone. I went through all the emotions - withdrawals, etc. But i was doing SOOO good trying to get my confidence back.

It was 6 months no contact. 2 weeks ago, I commented on a mutual friends Facebook post, and 10 minutes later i get a friend request from my EX! I panicked and checked my settings and sure enough he was no longer on the 'blocked' list. I deleted the friend request and couldnt block him again for 48 hours. During this time he sent me a message, saying how excited he was that he wasnt blocked anymore... and then when he realized i wouldnt accept it, he said I was a horrible person who is insane.

I dont know why, but i'm back to square one. Feeling all the anxiety and withdrawal and my brain wants to reach out to him, although I KNOW that is a terrible idea, & I shouldnt. I could never trust him EVER again. There is something weird he is hiding, and I cannot get back into that, but my mind wants to. I have no where else to turn people just keep saying 'get over it'. I dont think they understand how much he beat me up and how long it took for me to get some confidence back and now I'm back to square one here. I dont want to sit here and play the victim, but I need some sort of advice on how to get my mind to stop thinking I am a horrible person.

[WePow]

He is a narcissistic person. When I was 17, many years ago, I was forced into marriage to a 24 yr old man who sounds a lot like that idiot you describe. FYI, he almost killed me within 6 months and I literally had to escape for my life. I am now almost 50 and still find myself sometimes afraid he will come after me as he said he would.

The man you describe is a cruel animal. Those animals believe they own other people and even mentally feel like they collect them. Your emotions are his trophy. That is why he panics when you threaten removing them from him.

In order for you to have piece of mind you will have to understand what he actually is and how he is below human. To regain your power you have to decide to not get back into the water with that shark... no offense to sharks intended!

[WePow]

Here are some links that will help you understand what happened.

Grooming ? Out of the FOG

Narcissists and Sociopaths groom victims to enable abuse

https://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/...-look-out-for/

[WePow]

These will help you reclaim yourself

https://letmereach.com/2014/08/27/6-...ost-important/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ife-is-so-hard

Finally...

https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/h...ssistic-abuse/

Sending you tons of positive light and energy!

[Nikki321]

So, that's what it was?!? Just controlling behavior? I was wondering why after all that happened and him telling me how horrible i am compared to EVERY women he knows, that he would be happy over being stupid FB friends.

Oh and by the way, Facebook was his life. The amount of selfies and innapropriate things hed post were all looking for attention. A friend committed suicide and he posted about her pain on Facebook. Which I though was so inappropriate maybe her husband and family didnt want anyone to know that. But he would post stuff like this in a way to make it seem to his gazillion friends on Facebook he was a nice caring man... he'd post about wanting world peace but then at the same time be ripping me to shreds over the phone. It was very isolating and confusing and I am always thought it was me... if all these other people think he is so great. Maybe I'm the cause of this. So, it's just a matter of control?!?

[WePow]

Yep. Check out those links. They describe his exact behavior. Many people are unaware that there are these types of evil humans n the world. We do not expect that from other humans. So we are shocked and feel bad about ourselves when it happens to us. But it is not our fault. These are not normal humans. Some have mental health issues that are biological. Others are just evil. Either way, you are not alone. Your job now is to understand the event, be real with the facts and kind to yourself, take back your power, and share what you learned with others who have this happen. Like I am doing with you.

One of the biggest things that helped me was when my therapist told me that while I could not control the past, or the memories and flashbacks... very cruel behavior and ncluding almost being starved to death... I was only allowed to eat frozen generic bread and drink water... unless I was willing to eat the dog food,,, I went from 118lbs the day of marriage down to 84lbs 6 months later... But while I could not undo the past I WAS and AM in charge of the NOW. If I am triggered, I have a choice at some point in that event to stop repeating the pain over and over in my head. He is out of the picture. My thoughts now belong to me. I make a choice when I realize that I am starting to spiral that I am NOT GOING TO GIVE HIM ANY MORE OF ME! It sounded dumb when I was first shown how to take back my power. And it hurt inside to learn how to do it. I believed what he told me. I thought he was right. But after seeing the truth, and accepting that I actually was a victim of abuse, I was then able to morn my loss and death of my innocence. Then I was able to understand that he may have killed my spirit at one point, but he lost in the end. Now I win.

With all of that I learned that the only opinion of me that mattered was my own.

I sleep in my own skin and in my own soul. My mind now belongs again to me. I have my weaknesses and daily issues due to very complex abuse and such, but the ability for me to no longer give more of who I am to the abuser losers of the past means that I now grow stronger every day.

Allow your mind to understand the truth. Love yourself and protect the real you that is still innocent and pure. And every time you have a random memory of him or something he said allow the memory to be there and thank your brain for reminding you of that lesson.

The brain is a wonderful thing. It will replay things in effort to get itself to understand the error in order to not make the mistake again. That is why it. goes over and over in th dark hours of night when we hear ourselves think. It is basic survival. Honor that and do not push it down or it will just come back. It will get louder and louder until it has been heard by the true you.

So listen to it the way a police officer or judge listened to a person mugged. Respect it. Thank it for the report. Confirm to it that the lesson is now learned, And develop a plan of action for keeping that part of you safe in the future.

All this will restore you back to yourself. Safe hugs!!!!

[WePow]

Write this down and put it where you can see it a lot!

I am NOT GOING TO GIVE HIM ANY MORE OF ME!
I BELONG TO ME!

[Nikki321]

WOW, your abuse is way more severe then mine ever was, and i'm sorry you had to deal with that - and i'm glad you are out of there!! I cant imagine what you went through.

I was wondering why my brain kept replaying this situation over and over, and my sleep has been effected big time. He NEVER listened to me. Either I was crazy and it was all in my head, or he would just not respond at all. I felt like deep down he hated me, but when I would question it - I would be called weird, but he was treating me like he hated my guts but still wanted to keep in touch. Everything he did was just very inappropriate and everything I knew about humans had to be thrown out of the window, when dealing with him. I began to walk on eggshells, trying to figure out if I should bring something up or not, would this set him off in a rage? or would he just stonewall me.

Im not sure he was closeted gay. I'm not sure the attraction to men was just exciting or if he really was/is gay. I do know that he was trying to suppress those thoughts by binge eating. He knew those thoughts weren't "normal".

I don't know why i'm so upset. On the surface I know hes toxic, he has a TON of issues with himself. I think he saw me as someone who had it all together, and to make himself feel better, he tore me down. I don't know how else to explain it.

From what I went through and witnessed, I do not believe that he would ever be capable of a normal healthy relationship. I hope that is true, and he ends up Old and alone. I know that sounds mean, but that would be a good enough revenge for me.