[TishaBuv]

I stood up for myself, refusing to accept abuse and let it go, not letting my mother get away with it.

My aunt, dad, and sisters said 'get over it' and refused to discuss it, refused to confront my mother, to say she should apologize.

She feels that I wronged her, but she will not discuss it with me, after I made several calls to plead with her to discuss it.

Now it has been 7 weeks, and I have no more relationship with any of them.

I wonder if any of them will ever call me again.

My h says I am better off without all of them. He said it was just an upsetting, toxic relationship anyway. It consisted of phone calls from me and my sisters to my mother, who was negative and mean, badmouthing everybody, including all of us.

Then, my calls with my sisters, were talking about how horrible our mother was.

I guess my sisters decided to blow me off and not have my back.

I'm sad my dad has no care to ever speak to me again. I thought he loved me. I was wrong.

I'm not sorry I stood up for myself and refused to take abuse.

Having self esteem chased away the phonies. That's all they were.

[NikoleS]

I stopped talking to my toxic and abusive family last March. I accepted they don't care and I honestly think my mental health has tremendously improved not talking to them. I wish you luck! Message me if you need to talk.

[gmts]

So, your sisters think that your mother is bad, but now they are taking sides with her ?

I am sorry it hurts so much; hopefully talking about your pain will help you eventually recover but it's going to take time. Concerning your dad, he has to live with your mom 24/7--who knows what h*** she would put him through if he doesn't tow the line. Your sisters live far away--that distance may be hurting the relationship as much as whatever their feelings are about you. Don't assume they don't love you (idk). So many things can interfere with relationships, narcissists are experts at sabatoging other people's relationships. Given everything you have posted about your childhood, it sounds like your sisters may have struggles of their own. Someday you might connect with one of your sisters in some way. Try not to worry about it. Try not to take it to personally. I am grateful to have gotten to know you through your posts. Given how cool you are--it is likely that both of your sisters love you. It is possible they are weak/cowards/followers/self centered/ in a crisis of their own (idk--one of the above) rather than phonies. Be proud of yourself for staying away from your mother's toxicness. I am glad that your H is supporting your decision to stand up to her and stay away. <<hugs>>

[PumpkinPieHead]

[TishaBuv]

My one sister just called me this morning, just talking about politics. I then thanked her for calling, said I thought the whole family had written me off. She said you're welcome and instantly changed the subject and ended the conversation.

So, all these people who do have the power to tell my mother she was horrible in how she treated me and my h, and can tell her that she is acting MI and that she should look at her bad behavior and mend the relationship with me-- all these people choose to do nothing and just dismiss me.

[TishaBuv]

So I added my sister's number back into my phone. I'm glad she called and didn't write me off. I'll keep the relationships with my sisters who refuse to discuss our mother with me, that's fine with me if that's their stance. We can have normal relationships, just never discussing our mother again.

The now astranged aunt and her daughter are of no consequence anyway. They never called me anyway.

My dad made no attempt to make peace aside from initially telling me to let it go, then he never called me again. Is that love? Is that how a father is supposed to act? I never really had a father at all. My real father was nothing to me and died. My step father was like a friend, sort of, but not really anything to me now.

He did protect me a few times in the distant past. He once picked me up when my bf couldn't take me home, he once told an ex bf to get lost (that bf ended in a restraining order), he told another ex bf if he ever hit me again he'd kill him, and he told another guy who 'kidnapped' me (not really, just got me in his car, and spontaneously took me to dinner at his fancy country club, where he confessed his feelings for me which I did not reciprocate) told him that he shouldn't have taken me like that and he should kick his ***. I was actually pretty scared and called my parents from the club to tell them I was alright, it was creepy.

[TishaBuv]

Were these dramatic bf relationships any more unstable than any other teenage girl's?

Maybe I am a drama queen.

No, I am just a drama princess, my mother is the undisputed queen!

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by gmts

So, your sisters think that your mother is bad, but now they are taking sides with her ?

Yes. Everybody wants to be the good daughter. Nobody wants to be defiant. She has conditioned us all to call her every day and listen to her negative, toxic rants, giving her cheery support. One act of defiance and you are blown to smithereens!

[TishaBuv]

I was remembering a funny incident today.

When I was two or three, my mom painted a mural on our living room wall, a Roman scene. When I woke up by myself before anyone, I thought it was ugly. So I dipped the sponge in the fish tank, and wiped off all the paint! She, of course, freaked out and screamed profanity at me. But she didn't hit me. Just ranted about what a brat I was. . I was pleased with myself for doing it, though, it really was hideous.

I actually do remember what it looked like and what I was thinking when I washed it off. What a memory, huh? I really thought it was hideous and I purposely ruined it. I really am a brat.

Tisha-your remininscences are all over the place in this post. Makes me think of lots of weird awkward stuff as well. Your mom is determined to still be in charge. I am sure everything she has said and done is about keeping you in line. The ends justify the means even if in the process she has lost you for good (idk but this is the picture I have in my head). I bet she desperately wants you to give in so you will do her bidding. I hope I haven't triggered you. Know that if you keep your distance, you can heal. If you ever need to see her in the future, maybe bring your H as a reinforcement? <<hugs>>

Another thought--just because we no longer feel close or loved by someone now--doesn't mean that if was not once a very special relationship. Friendships can ebb and flow, people sometimes change. When your dad helped you during your youth, he may have felt a lot of love for you. Perhaps he figures that you have your H to take care of you now and is just encouraging you to try to move on from the drama with your mom just like I am......

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

Tisha-your remininscences are all over the place in this post. Makes me think of lots of weird awkward stuff as well. Your mom is determined to still be in charge. I am sure everything she has said and done is about keeping you in line. The ends justify the means even if in the process she has lost you for good (idk but this is the picture I have in my head). I bet she desperately wants you to give in so you will do her bidding. I hope I haven't triggered you. Know that if you keep your distance, you can heal. If you ever need to see her in the future, maybe bring your H as a reinforcement? <<hugs>>

She wholeheartedly believes I did something unconscionable to her. But I can't get her to explain it to me.

But, when my h and I go over it, all we can surmise is that she's just a b**ch.

Now, he's really glad they are not calling, and says I am acting like a better person toward him without them.

The soul searching about if I am bad or good spins inside me. That's what prompted the mural memory.

Yes, if I called her, she would act like nothing ever happened. It's ridiculous.

If there's a lesson to be learned for anyone else whose survived abuse, it's don't think you can stand up to an abuser and make them change their ways. Maybe you sometimes can, but in my case, I just got booted.

"Tow the line or get out." So I'm out. Pointless and crazy.

"The soul searching about if I am bad or good spins inside me."

Try to resist doing this--most people are both--(especially us?)--Since I was about 4 years old I could always relate to:

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very good indeed,
But when she was bad she was horrid.

Sometimes my dad actually kidded me with this verse, he also said, "You can't spoil a rotten egg." I was so spoiled that I didn't mind what he implied a bit. Thought I was perfect. I just enjoyed it. He shook his head a lot when he would find out about some of the things I would do.....Wiping off paint at 2 or 3 years old is TOTALLY innocent!!!

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

"The soul searching about if I am bad or good spins inside me."

Try to resist doing this--most people are both--(especially us?)--Since I was about 4 years old I could always relate to:

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very good indeed,
But when she was bad she was horrid.

Sometimes my dad actually kidded me with this verse, he also said, "You can't spoil a rotten egg." I was so spoiled that I didn't mind what he implied a bit. Thought I was perfect. I just enjoyed it. He shook his head a lot when he would find out about some of the things I would do.....

I loved that rhyme too! I know what you mean, like there's a joy to being bad!

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

She wholeheartedly believes I did something unconscionable to her. But I can't get her to explain it to me.

I think she really wants money but since it is HORRID that she is willing to torture you to get it, instead of appreciating you for you--it would show that she is not a very good person if she admitted it. And asking for money puts so much pressure on you because she is using you in order to use your H! So she is taking advantage of his love for you! It had to cause so much stress.

[TishaBuv]

Just coping. There's nothing else to do.

I looked in a file I've been keeping with IOU's and uncashed checks from her. It was worse than I remembered. She manipulated and lied all the way back since 1996. Notes in her handwriting, promises unfulfilled...just lies.

It's easy to see why I have trust issues. And yet I have stayed a very fair, trustworthy person. She taught me to be trustworthy! But she really wasn't.

My own parents don't care to ever speak to me or my children again.

Just sad and coping. It's the right thing to do.

I'm slowly letting go of the anger.

Today I was imagining going over there and smashing all her precious antiques with a baseball bat. They meant more to her than I did. But, I know there's no point in punishing someone because they did not love and respect you. The right thing to do is just walk away.

[TishaBuv]

These relationships sucked anyway.

I loved my mother. Now I am so hurt, I just have to let go. I don't want to cause any trouble.

I'm glad I didn't send the receipts, that wouldn't have given me the desired apology and empathy anyway.

This family always sucked. Was my father a jerk, too? What would have been had he lived?

Did my mother help kill him?

Did he really try to molest my sister?

I'm from a bad family with bad DNA. All I can do is try to rise above it.

It's so hard to concentrate or do anything. I am so consumed with depression and grief. But I'm trying...

It would have taken such minimal effort from my family to have made me feel loved. One ounce of compassion, one word of support, but they sided with that she-devil.

I guess I have deep seeded hatred toward my mother since I was a little girl.

I remember thinking, while she was screaming at me, how I hated her and one day I'd be free of her.

[Fuzzybear]

"One ounce of compassion, one word of support.."



I can relate to this

[TishaBuv]

I fired the missile in the middle of the night, after I woke up crying from the trauma.

I emailed the scan of all the receipts, the smoking gun, that proves Mom's a liar.

The message I wrote was essentially, 'the very least you all could have done was showed you cared about me'.

BOOM! Total anhilation.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I fired the missile in the middle of the night, after I woke up crying from the trauma.

I emailed the scan of all the receipts, the smoking gun, that proves Mom's a liar.

The message I wrote was essentially, 'the very least you all could have done was showed you cared about me'.

BOOM! Total anhilation.

One of the things that bothered you the most was the lies. Hopefully putting the rest of your story out there will help you move on. You WILL eventually move on but I would never try to predict how long that will take. Processing trauma seems like a very mysterious thing. I hope you don't have to endure the crying for to much longer....

[TishaBuv]

It was just the 40th anniversary of my father's death. It feels unbelievably fresh, thanks to my sister recently telling me about near incest molestation!

When he died, I simply accepted it and loved him. Then everybody had to tell me all this crap, going on and on forever.

I wish they would have just let him Rest In Peace.

Do you think they'd call the cops, if I went to his grave and let out a primal scream?

[gmts]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Yes. Everybody wants to be the good daughter. Nobody wants to be defiant. She has conditioned us all to call her every day and listen to her negative, toxic rants, giving her cheery support. One act of defiance and you are blown to smithereens!

Sorry, I saw this post only now.

Yes, my older brother does the very same to me. The reasoning might be a little bit different in my case, but essentially he does the same thing to me.

[TishaBuv]

Eliminating the triggers, my h and my mother, feels terrible, but this is what I must do. My h pushes me to total PTSD attacks.

My mother was so nasty yesterday, that I told her that her behavior was unacceptable, and I left.

She took my dad's keys and wallet and won't allow him to leave the house without her permission. It's ridiculously abusive, and I refuse to even hear it. She just stared at me with daggers beaming from her eyes while we got up and left. So, I won't be hearing from her any time soon.

And now I've had a total, screaming, crying meltdown and everyone knows it. The end. Yuck!