[bashfulsoul]

Hey all. I was wondering if anyone could help me understand some things.

There's a lot about my childhood / adolescence that I don't remember; a lot of it is fuzzy. When I was first going through puberty, probably 12-ish, I became really hypersexual. I also fell victim to sexual abuse. I was a lonely child, curious, looking for some kind of affection or something, I dont know. I found myself going into online chatrooms, and I ended up chatting with someone who convinced me to go on webcam and expose my body, and masturbate. After that happened I was so ashamed, I felt dirty, tainted. But the messed up part is that I think part of me wanted more. I did it again, several times, usually with older men (who should have known better).

This eventually led me to meeting up with older men for sex. I think I was around sixteen. My first sexual experience was with a middle-aged man. The shame kept piling on every time but I kept on doing it.. I dont know why. For the longest time I felt like it was all my fault, and I should just suck it up because I "chose" to do those things. I never was physically forced. However I was still a child - impulsive, not fully developed. I guess I didn't really understand all the consequences and implications of what I was getting into. The adults I encountered should have understood that it was wrong.

I'm trying to fully accept that I was abused, that I was a child, and that it wasn't my fault. However there's still a part of me that thinks that can't be true, because I sought those encounters out. I said yes.
If I had heard that someone else, a child, had been through my experience, I'd never ever blame them. I'd never blame a child or say it was their fault. But I put blame on the child that I used to be.

I also wonder, what kind of child would have done that? What kind of child would have gone into online chatrooms and agreed to going on webcam like that? There's this part of me that tells me I must have been a screwed up kid in the first place, to have gone and done that. What happened to me to make me like that? Why did I do all of this? Was I just a bad kid? I hope the answer is no but I can't seem to convince myself.

[Skeezyks]

Hello bashful: Well... my situation is pretty-much entirely different from yours. However I also don't remember much about my childhood. To a large extent, it is like I was born 8 years old.

I have also done things that haunt me to this day... & I'm going on 70 years old! The difference is I was an adult & should have known better... but I didn't. I have often said that I hope it could be said I was mentally ill all of my life. (I certainly have struggled with a lot of long-standing problems.) Because, if I could not be said to have been mentally ill all of my life, then I just have to accept the fact that I was simply a bad seed.

There is a Buddhist practice referred to as "compassionate abiding" that has been helpful to me. Perhaps you're familiar with it. But in case you're not, here's a link to a mental-health-oriented description of the practice:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

May it be of benefit.

[nicoleflynn]

You were groomed to accept that behavior, and none of what you did, was your fault...Try to be compassionate to that child that you were and love her.

The blame and shame belongs to the abusers. NOT to you.

[Bill3]

I also wonder, what kind of child would have done that?

A terribly hurt one.

I’m so sorry for your immense pain.

[littleowl2006]

Originally Posted by bashfulsoul

I also wonder, what kind of child would have done that? What kind of child would have gone into online chatrooms and agreed to going on webcam like that? There's this part of me that tells me I must have been a screwed up kid in the first place, to have gone and done that. What happened to me to make me like that? Why did I do all of this? Was I just a bad kid? I hope the answer is no but I can't seem to convince myself.

It was never your fault, it was the fault of those who were supposed to protect you!

The shame is what abusers use for manipulating their victims. Your insecurity and your curiosity were exploited shamefully if you ask me.

And if you need to hear it a million times, it was never your fault and I will repeat it as often as you want me to!

[PumpkinPieHead]

Hey bashful, I did similiar activities, starting from the age of 12. You have a kindred spirit if you ever want to chat.
You were taken advantage of, and I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[bashfulsoul]

Thank you all for your kind replies It feels good for people to just hear me without shaming. Thank you.

I was a terribly hurt child. I wish I could reach back into the past and give that lonely confused child a hug, and say "I'm here. I love you. You don't have to be afraid anymore"

I guess that child is still a part of me. I can heal those parts of me. I want to grow past it. I want to clear away all the hurt and grow something beautiful there. I just need to be kind to myself.

Thank you

[Bill3]

.

[ACrystalGem]

Dear Friend,

None of this was your fault. I was raised to think the only thing I was good at was sex, and that was from 3 years old. Sometimes going after abuse was the only way I could get fed, or get money. It was second nature to me as a little girl. I'm sorry you're hurting, but one day you'll be able to place the blame where it truly belongs - with those who abused you.

I wrote about my experiences here, when a similar story came up on a Star Trek episode, of all things...
SPOILERS FOR STAR TREK: DISCOVERY TRIGGER WARNING:... | Blogging in Shadows

You deserve good things. Hugs (if allowed) from me.

[dlantern]

Sound like you are ready to give urself a little blame, there is nothing wrong with that. i think you only need to be doing that for so long so that you can fully heal. I can identify a little bit to this assigning blame of course who wouldn't feel shame.