What to do?

I grew up in an atmosphere rife with child abuse. Many of the very few friends I have had experienced tumultuous childhood experiences as well, albeit different. As a child before I even contemplated advanced thoughts of psychotherapy and the work of psychologists, I thought I was the first one to coin the term psychological trauma.

I have progressed much from my childhood days of being abused emotionally and physically (psychological torture and physical beatings), primarily by my caregivers, and people around me. I can see how intricately child abuse has affected every aspect of my entire life and words could not communicate my emotions and experiences. I'm sure I could name a list of things from relationships to eating disorders that has impacted my life as a result as so could countless others.

After making a pseudo life transformation and somehow staying afloat my first year of college in regards to my psychological stability it seems I have misjudged how deeply these past events have affected me. I grew up poor which I am completely sure exacerbated these problems but now that I can actually connect to the internet I am at the point where I stopped going to classes for pretty much over a year now except for a few easy online classes.

I feel intense bouts of anxiety and cannot really do anything (as in leave the house, see a friend or even muster the concentration/concerted effort and will to read a book) because my emotions keep my logical side in a cage. I know what I have to do but it seems like now I am my own worst nemesis. Being abused so early on and having the majority of my memories being so painful I think it definitely holds me back and I have tried as I will continue to, but I feel completely distraught. Just posting this makes me feel completely insecure. "Honesty" is a deceitful term because we all desire honesty from others but we never want to give it.

Welcome to PC AugustusCaesar

I'm glad you found us and posted. There are many wonderful folks here who, like you, have had similar childhoods. I'm sure you will be able to connect with those folks and find you have many things in common.

Taking the risk in reaching out here is a huge step. I hope that in your reaching out...someone will reach back to you that will help you to continue on your quest for a happier, healthier and more fulfilling life.

I'm sorry you have gone through and are still going through a difficult time. I pray you will find healing and peace of mind soon.

*Gentle Hugs*
sabby

Even though you said you can't read, maybe if you find books that fascinate you, you can. There have been some books recommended on the Personality Place forum that I and others have found helpful. You can often get them on Amazon as used books and they are not too expensive and they get delivered to your home. The main problem is to find books that are meaningful to you. I have used the local public libraries and just trolled through the biography section and found many books that are good for me.

You've studied some psychology, but you didn't say if you have actually received treatment. If you are still enrolled as a student, there may be counseling available through your school. Would you consider giving it a try? Books can help, and understanding what happened to you makes it more something that you can deal with, but we need support to recover and heal. You can reclaim your life and not have to be hurt anymore by anyone, even yourself.

TC,
Rap

I'd advise that too. Use the services that are free to you while you are in school. I think it could really help.

After a couple sessions of therapy and a session with a shrink I was prescribed Clonazepam (Klonopin) and Sertraline (Zoloft) to ease my anxiety. After my first time taking these meds I feel incredibly tired. Good night~