could i ask your honest opinions please?

My mum had a lot to do with my abuse, her lover sexually and emotionally abused me. My mother is narcissistic and emotionally abused me and sexually on 2 occasions that I remember. I am going through therapy and I wanted her to give me some space so I asked her nicely on the phone and sent a nice letter explaining I needed this space for a while, she still puts me down and I have enough to cope with, she was fine about it and said she would still like to send me a birthday card.

I never received a card from her. I e.mailed my dad and asked him to give me some space too as we have separate issues, he has nothing to do with the abuse, but was never there and never told me he loved me. He sent me a beautiful card, money and called me, we both cried on the phone.

I know I shouldn't be bothered about my mum not sending me a card, but I was surprised to find myself quite hurt. I'm her only child, she knows I am in therapy etc.

I think she may have told everyone she knew nothing about the abuse cos she is in denial, she will have painted me black I know her and everyone will be saying 'how awful for you just let her be,' so I look the bad one. She does this all the time.

Am I being stupid? Am I right to feel hurt? I'm a it confused because the more I remember the more I despise her, mixed emotions here.

Jin

I just pm'd you my friend ((((((((((((((((((((( jinnybaby )))))))))))))))))))

thanks sabby, you are right, i pmed back lol

love ya

jinnyann,

I think it's o.k. to feel hurt about not getting a card from your mum, because I believe that feelings are real and should not be controlled or denied. But I also believe feelings are sometimes telling us something we need to pay attention to. You are looking for a card from someone who has never been a responsible, caring, protective, respectful, loving parent. I believe the pain you feel now is not really about the card that has not arrived, but how the card not arriving echos a horrible past. You lost a parent, figuratively speaking, a long time ago. Your pain today reflects your grief.

I don't think you should wait for the card any longer. I think instead you should focus on creating a new family for yourself. Consider drawing into your life friends who you can come to trust as your new family. I've done this in my life, very deliberately, and it can work.

I know, however, that this will be hard for you, as it was for me and for any abuse survivor. It will be hard for one simple reason -- we learned not to trust anyone when we were children. It's a lesson that is hard to unlearn. But you deserve a loving family and today, with the lessons life has taught you, you are empowered to chose your new family carefully and safely.

And finally, I encourage you to allow your anger to flow. Anger, too, tells us something. It is telling us that we deserved better than we got as children. It's a very affirming emotion. You deserve to express it, even if it's towards a biological parent.

I feel for you, jinnyann. I have been where you are and I know it hurts and is confusing. But I believe we can all heal, leaning on those in our community of survivors who truly love and understand us.

be well,

mtd

((((((mtd)))))

thankyou, yes you hit the nail on the head, I do feel exactly how you described. This may sound harsh but to me now, my 'mother' is no longer my mother. She has done me a favour really.

This may sound horible to people who have no parents or for whatever reason they want a relationship with a parent but cant, but she has been so evil to me in the past and I just cant forgive her right now.

Sorry, I just cant talk about it......

Jinnyann ty for replying

Thanks mtd for this post and thanks jinny for sharing your pain. You're both helping me and many others also to heal.