[sujunew]

I've decided that it is almost worse to not feel than it is to feel. Like, being totally emotionLESS. Blocking things off completely. I have spent this entire year trying to get to the bottom of certain memories (and memory blanks) and now that I have gotten through the worst and jeoprodised my work with it all I have left my job to take time out, I feel as I have all year that I can face whatever it may or may not be and deal with it. But now that I REALLY am ready and wanting to i have blocked it all so much I can't even touch it in any way. I TRY to think about it but there is nothing. I am so numb and empty. I get brief images/flashbacks but of insignificant but related stuff. I WANT it to be tangible, to be able to get in touch with it, to feel it, TO DEAL WITH IT. I haven't been able to get to this point before bacuse I didn't want to make accusations about something that might not be true but now I have the proof that I wanted (although, strangely enough given how tangible I want this all to be, not an actual memory, just 'evidence' given to me). I had wanted this proof so I could move forward out of the rut I was in (not knowing either way if anything had happened) and move towards the closure I have been seeking this whole time. ALL I WANT TO DO IS FEEL IT, OWN IT, DEAL WITH IT, AND MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE FROM THIS. And now even a part of the original trigger (something completely unrelated to any of this) has gone from something on paper to a visual 'cue' which can come as flashbacks but again with no emotions associated with it; well, some anxiety but I think that is more to do with BEING so emotionless around it all. Instead I am left with deep frustration and anxiety, neither of which are in any way helpful to me. And I am faced with only 1 more t visit before I go away for poss up to a month...Grrrrr... Total frustration...

I hear what you are saying Irishj (((((hugs)))))I too am off work right now, I wanted to do this without any interruptions/distractions. I have dissociation amnesia, triggers and flashback happen all the time right now, but I feel quite numb at times, or totally the opposite, like flying into a rage because I can't cope. Then sometimes the inner child will surface, THAT scares me. PM me anytime, I only just started posting here, been a bit shy until now, I figured I needed an outlet in between therapy sessions.

I get so frustrated when I need to remember things and I cant, a bit like self punishment I suppose, but I know I wont heal until it's out and dumped

Metime xxxxxx

[youOme]

It's the neccessary steps to productive healing, just being aware of it and admitting it. I respect your self growth...I should consider it myself as well. Being emotionless is practically being dead.

[sujunew]

thanks metime and youome. I just hate it so much, I feel so powerless. Although even that is strange- I never have felt powerful at all so I don't know where that feeling is coming from? Maybe at having no power over my feelings? Who knows?! But i have certainly seen self growth over the past 1-1/2 years- something I have never seen in my life before. youome, do consider it if you feelyou are in the right space/place to do so. It is only since things started coming together for me mood-wise that I have gotten to where I am now... for better or worse lol. And yes, "Being emotionless is practically being dead."

[mtd]

irishsj,

I can relate to where you are right now. I hate feeling numb. I numbed myself for years on purpose to try to avoid the pain of my brutally abusive past, but all I really accomplished was missing a lot of life in the present. The pain stuck around. I think we all must strive to live through the present if we are ever really going to put the past behind us.

be well,

mtd