[Twinmama831]

I have been with my twin babies father for going on 5 years next month, and my kids will be two. I do not know how to make the steps to leave the mostly mental and emotion abuse. It has been since the beginning. I am a stay at home mom but I do have a degree that I have yet to use. I just feel like if we split I need him gone out of the house, and i dont know how to do that. I have become codependent since he has cut any good people from my life...

[PumpkinPieHead]

There is always help:

Contact Us - The National Domestic Violence Hotline

Good luck, your kids will thank you someday.

[Twinmama831]

@pumpkinpiehead but does it qualify as abuse if im not physically being beat? Just mentally? I feel this guilt that my kids will hate me for ripping apart their family..

[nicoleflynn]

You are teaching your children that it is okay to abuse someone. Children who grow up with abuse frequently choose someone abusive, or become abusive. You can change the situation; get help...calling the domestic hotline. Verbal abuse is just as destructive as physical abuse. tHE Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.

[NatsukiKuga]

Originally Posted by Twinmama831

@pumpkinpiehead but does it qualify as abuse if im not physically being beat? Just mentally? I feel this guilt that my kids will hate me for ripping apart their family..

Words hit far harder than fists.

[cluelessgal]

Hey Twinmama831,

You should contact domestic abuse centre, as PumpkinPieHead shared. If not that, atleast consider marriage counselor.

People are abusive for different reason - either they are struggling with some mental health issue or that's what they learned from their parents. Being in an abusive house is very detrimental and will send a wrong message to your kids about marriage, love, relationships, self-esteem.

But before you take a decision for divorce, first see if you can work on your marriage.

Please talk to a therapist and take an informed decision - 'staying and fixing' or 'quitting and moving on'. Current situation is not helping anyone - not you, or your children or your husband.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Yes twinmama, the folks at the women's shelter will help you. They helped me even when the abuse wasn't physical.

[PumpkinPieHead]

I'd like to add that "keeping is together for the kids" and it being good for them is an illusion. The kids will be better in the long run getting them out of that situation. Keeping an abusive situation "together" benefits no one.

[Twinmama831]

Thank you all for taking the time to comment on this. I think therapy for myself to heal is the step in the right direction. I am on medication with a psych (have been for years) but I really think I need a therapists input to make my choices more concrete and to hold me accountable. My children are my world. I saw abuse in my home and for years I remember being little wishing my parents would divorce. My childrens father has refused marital counseling in the past so its prob not practical to even ask him again.

[Twinmama831]

Its so so hard. Some days are good, others terrible. He plays Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde so much.. like I said... when is enough, enough?

[NatsukiKuga]

Originally Posted by Twinmama831

Its so so hard. Some days are good, others terrible. He plays Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde so much.. like I said... when is enough, enough?

Once one has reached the point of asking that question, it's enough.

[cluelessgal]

Originally Posted by Twinmama831

Its so so hard. Some days are good, others terrible. He plays Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde so much.. like I said... when is enough, enough?

It is the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde act is what keeps people in abusive marriage for decades. If things are consistently bad.....everyone would say "enough" and leave. How can anyone lay a solid foundation for relationship if the ground itself is shaky?

Your husband probably needs mental health help, but if he has refused therapy for years, then he will not consider it...atleast not in current situation.

Consulting a therapist is a good idea and he/she would help you carefully plan your next step.

Good luck.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by Twinmama831

I have been with my twin babies father for going on 5 years next month, and my kids will be two. I do not know how to make the steps to leave the mostly mental and emotion abuse. It has been since the beginning. I am a stay at home mom but I do have a degree that I have yet to use. I just feel like if we split I need him gone out of the house, and i dont know how to do that. I have become codependent since he has cut any good people from my life...

I went through this for 5 years with my children's father as well. I told him over and over I wanted to leave after I realized I was in an abusive relationship.. I called the women's shelter who connected me to a domestic violence counselor and she helped me every step of the way.
I called victim services and told them about the situation. They asked me a few questions and realized my danger evaluation was through the roof. They came to my house, took me and my children to the station and I made a statement. They put an emergency protection order in place and removed him from my home. It was hard emotionally, I didn't think I would ever get through it. But I'm here, stronger than ever.
He wasn't allowed to come near the house and it allowed me to continue on with life working and living in peace. Start with a domestic violence call to a centre and they will help you look for the resources you need... there are more than you think.

I will say, it's not over between us. The manipulation and stalking still happens, but I feel in control that he isn't in the house terrorizing me everyday.

Good luck. Feel free to PM me anytime you have any questions

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by Twinmama831

@pumpkinpiehead but does it qualify as abuse if im not physically being beat? Just mentally? I feel this guilt that my kids will hate me for ripping apart their family..

Any type of control qualifies as abuse in a relationship. If you feel it is there, chances are you are in an abusive relationship. My partner never actually beat me. He slapped me a few times when I defied his bad treatment though.. it was the control that was actually the scariest part.

[PumpkinPieHead]

NatsukiKaga said it so well, when you are questioning what will be enough, it's enough. What could come next, he does get physical with you? Do not risk this.

Love doesn't hurt, it feels really good. Remember that.