The Night Santa Comes....(very triggering)....(Read if in a good place).....

(very triggering)................................................

As I sit here, I look out the window and I cannot help but think of the little girl out there in some home where all looks well on the outside. Of some little boy whose Christmas tree twinkles through the window to the outside world. But if you could see inside, in the silence of what lies waiting for them.

Lots of children go to bed waiting for santa to bring them presents, toys, visions of sugar plums dance in their heads. But somewhere, santa lies in wait for the child. Their visions are not sugar plums and presents for what dances in their head--it's what dances outside of their head on the walls as they earn what santa brings.

Their innocence of being a child is stolen away in a flash, and the world outside does not even have a clue. And the world does not care. There is no joy or anticipation of the morning to come. There is no wondering where santa's sleigh may be on his jouney from house to house delivering presents.

For santa's waiting for everyone to go to sleep but not to deliver presents under the tree but to devour the child whose dreams are shattered and whose life is shattered in tiny pieces to someday try to be pieced back together to make something that looks okay. The gifts under the tree no longer bring excitement but wishes that none were for her so she would not have to perform.

The child closes her eyes hoping for dreams that could just be dreams of a child but they are the kind that not even adults dream. She lays there hearing the television in the distance, knowing she's safe as long as she can hear it. Santa is not coming as long as others are up. Out the windows, the twinkle of Christmas lights from the house next door, and she wonders if little Susie is sscared for santa to come? Her little mind wonders if maybe this year will be different. If she will not be the "special" to santa.

For she does not like to be special. So she gathers her covers around her as she watches the Christmas lights twinkle out the window. And she pretends that she is not scared and that she will be okay. She tries to forget the look she saw before going to bed that scared her so much and she closes her eyes as she prays, please keep me safe.

It takes awhile but her eyes close because she has fought so hard but sleep takes over as her body falls beneath the weight of time. But she is just a little girl and she can only fight for so long, then sleep takes over and her guard is let down. Then somewhere in the dark, unoriented to time, the child awakes terrified by a hand much bigger than her own around her throat. She cannot scream nor does she dare move.

A man, who calls himself santa, promises her gifts if she's good and does what she is told--and besides you do not want to cost everyone christmas do you? A whimper starts but the grip around her neck becomes tighter. And what would have become tears quickly disappear just as quickly as they came and santa says that's my girl.

She lays there stilljust trying to obey--staring at the ceiling afraid to move. And santa moves the covers and a little body much too small for what is about to come, lays shivering in the dark. The hand removes her panties--first to her knees. THe child tries to keep them closed but they are ripped from her. And santa says, you are going to do as I say and with every word her fear strengthens.

Soon santa is lifting her gown and his hand is roaming up and down her body--touching all the places that should be private and not touched that way. Santa leans over and kisses the child--his tongue goes deep in her mouth almost choking her. His one hand still around her throat the other prying open her legs. His knuckles bearing into her thigh making a pain that she cannot fight against.

Santa's hand around her neck tightens until her legs fall open and santa saying do you think you can really fight me? You be a good girl and I will leave you presents. With that said, santa's fingers began to touch her. They move and go up inside her and santa tells her that she is responding well. He whispers how he can tell she wants him and that she likes what he is doing.

As a little more time passes, santa's breathing becomes hard and faster. He takes his hand from inside her and brings the childs hand down to his stick. This is because of you. He wraps her fingers around his stick and tells her to rub it--it is magical. Then he removes his hand from hers. The child tries to let go but once again the grip around her neck tightens and a voice says rub it.

Obedient, she once again finds the stick and does as she was told. She feels the hand return between her legs with something very wet and cold, making her feel wetness she had not felt before. Then santa leans over and tells her she is prescious and it is time for a special present that he knows she wants. As he climbs over her, she feels his weight heavy against her body. Santa whispers for her to ask him please--but she does not want to. Again, she is told to ask him please as the grip gets a little tighter around her throat.

Please as a slightest of whisper comes out and santa whispers for her to spread her legs but she does not want to. Once again the grip tightens around her throat and she does what she is told. What santa had made feel funny between her legs was about to feel something much different. With santa now leaning over her, one hand around her throat--one holding his stick and pounding it up and down on her bare skin.

He began rubbing it between her legs, telling her that she wanted him for it was her who made him hard. Slow at first--that is such a good girl--he began breathing faster and harder. Tears rolled down her face as she cannot move. She cannot make a sound. Then santa's stick goes deep and a piercing pain hits her as she tries to close her legs. But santa grips her throat saying open--you know you like it.

Santa's body covers hers as the child is engulfed between the mattress and his body. He pulls out putting something on his stick that made it go faster. Santa keeps telling her in his voice that is breathing faster--"you are so special"--you make santa feel good. The grip around the child's neck is so tight she finds it hard to breath. And she is unsure what she is more afraid of what is happening between her legs or the hand around her neck.

Then as fast as her started, santa tightens--tears fill the childs eyes for the pain and fear she is feeling. With that tightening, Santa falls on top of her. He lays there for what seems like a long time before getting off. The child felt as though her insides are being pulled out, because even now, santa's too big for her little body.

Santa sits up but not before her with a grip around her throat, "Don't tell. If you tell they will know you wanted it" that you liked it. And you won't get any presence. Santa will take them from under the tree. With that, santa lets go of her throat and tells her to get dressed and go to bed. He gets up from her bed telling her he will know if she says anything.

The child afraid to move reluctantly gets dressed. She moves very slow hurting from the inside out. There is blood on her bed she can see from the light coming through the window. She must get rid of it so the evidence is not there. She goes to the bathroom and gets a washcloth. She wets it and moving slowly, she cleans up the bed the best she can. Shivering she climbs back in bed and pulls the covers up and stares away out the window.

Still afraid her eyes will not close. She stares at the twinking lights out Susie's window. As they glisten across the snow, she allows herself to come back into the room. Santa's come and gone for this night--she earned her Christmas with morning light. The child's body lies hurting in a way she cannot tell . Her throat aching and her heart broken.

She lays asking the question of was it her fault? Did she really cause santa's stick to harden? Did she ask for what happened? Tears roll down her face in silent cries. No one can ever know because somehow it will come back on her. She cannot make santa mad. It is not that she cares so much about the presents as what could happen to her. Her eyes burning from being so tired, yet she is afraid to go to sleep. She already let down her guard allowing santa to find her once.

But somehow, morning light breaks through--the other kids come and awake her excited for what santa has brought. The child arises from the bed walking out to the living room and quietly sits on the sofa and awaits for the parents to come into the room. Her eyes tired and her body feeling like something ran over her. She just looks --not caring what is under the tree. What is so exciting about presents that cost you and that can be earned through pain only? Why is it her that earns the presents. Not that she would want anyone else to have to earn them--but why her? She could not let there be no presents for the others, could she? The better she is, the more that she earns for everyone. She just could not be the reason for no Christmas. And the sad part is, only she knows why there are all these presents. Only she knows why in the presents is a special one for the mother.

I know--I was that child. With tears streaming I share this for the first time. I hurt and feel sick inside. Others move and know too. Sorry this is so long, but we needed to get it out. Thank you for listening.

cami

(((((((((((((((( cami ))))))))))))))))))

My heart cries for that little girl and also for you as the adult who is left with the damage of such horrible things.

I pray that in your world now, there is a place of safety. A place where you can be exactly who you are and can say exactly what you need to say.

While no one can change what you have been through, acceptance of what you have been through and what you are going through is there. Validation, acceptance, love and friendship now surround you.

With much love & prayers to you
sabby

Cami,

I understand.

It was difficult for me to read your post and it is even more difficult for me to write a reply because of my own memories of abuse.

You are not alone and it was not your fault.

I am glad you are strong enough to share this with us--thank you for trusting us.

Please know I can relate to your feelings.

I hope you can find some type of peace. Healing from this tragedy is going to be difficult, but you have taken a huge step by sharing with us. Please take care of yourself.

hey there, I'm so sorry that happened to you as a child.
I do hope posting this has become a vital step in your recovery.
I may not know you, but I care about you.
I care about you, and I understand how you suffered.
I pray that you are now safe, and recovering.

Stay safe,
<3 Bella

((((cami))))

As horrible the circumstance is in this story, it's well written. It's written to where I could feel every ounce of pain and emotion this child experienced. I couldn't possibly fathom it...the fear and the afterwards. It takes bravery to tell this story and I respect and some how appreciate that you have. Storytelling is apart of recovery, letting the secret out from with in....it's healing. I hope everything you seek in life you will receive, and to not allow these moments in your past from making you do otherwise.

(((((((cami)))))))) my dear sweet cami....my heart is breaking and my stomach is churning after having read about this horrid experience. oh, my friend, how i wish i could take this pain and cast it out, never to again be seen or felt.
i am holding this child lovingly, gentley, closely in protective arms. in my heart i just hold her, reassure her, comfort her, and with a gentle whisper i tell her just how much i love her. i tell her she is safe now. she can take refuge among people that truly love and care for her. i hold her tiny face cusped softly in my hands and tell her just how beautiful she really is and how blessed i am to know her.
((((((((cami)))))))) i love you my sweet friend, with all my heart i love you. you are strong. you are beautiful. you can take refuge among true friends. you are safe and you are loved. and i am so very blessed to know you and call you friend.

always in my heart and prayers,
recluse1

(((((((((( cami ))))))))))))

so hard for you to post this...my heart goes out to you........

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((cami)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) What a brave thing to share with us. I am glad that you trusted all of us with what happened to you. I hope you foiund that it helped you heal. Unfortunately all too many of us understand what you are feeling and hope that we can reach out and be there for that very frightened and innocent girl. It is in no way her fault for what happened and I hope soon she will be able to see that. I am here if you need someone.

BB

(((cami))))
You are so brave, so strong. I feel and understand your pain, as much as someone with similar experiences can. I felt your pain with each word you wrote. Sharing our stories is healing. I hope that you have found some release in sharing your story with us.

Continue to be brave and you can find the peace and happiness we all crave, on our own terms.

((((((((((cami)))))))))) thank you for sharing, i know that was very hard to do. i'm so very sorry u had to endure that. my thoughts and prayers are with you angel

Cami,
Thank you for sharing part of your story. Like many others here, it was difficult to read as I know your pain all too well. I'm glad you wrote it though. I'm glad you felt safe enough to share it here. You actually ARE safe here. I hope there are other places that you feel safe now too.

Please keep talking to us. Some of our memories really suck, but each time we share them, we gain distance from them and they can't hurt us so terribly. Have you ever heard the quote, "You're only as sick as your secrets?" I believe that's true.

I'm 48 and I still haven't been able to talk about some of the things I endured. I applaud your courage.
Gentle hugs,
Okie

Cami~
(((HUGS)))) for Cami, the little girl, and Cami, the young woman, and Cami, the woman. ((((HUGS))))

I am sorry you had to suffer so badly at the hands of someone you were suppose to be able to trust. During a time of year that we want to 'believe' in 'hope, trust, and love'. I hope that in your quest to live a happy and fulfilled life you will be able to make Chrismas time a happy time for you and your family. I hope you will be able to find that happiness that can exist.

Many blessings

Peace and Love

Ocean

Peace to your child self and to you. I simply wish you peace.

cami,

I am deeply humbled and deeply grateful to share this space with someone so incredibly courageous as you. The strength it took simply to tell your story, with all that it means, takes my breath away. And it gives me hope for us all, hope that we can all find the stength to heal, no matter what it takes.

Thank you for your courage. I hope we can all be of help to you here, to find the peace, serenity and love that you deserve.

mtd

camilion I wanto sit with you a while if you will let me.....he

we cansit against the door that was the last night i heard santas jigle bells on the sleigh i just remebered the party but he didnt ware red he looked like a penguin ha a fat pengin with a bow round his neck... if we sit by the door together he wont come in......we can be sisters if you like....treasure

hugging you tight