I am on my own all day today and feel guilty. My family have gone to the countryside with the dog ... I haven't slept well for ages, was up at 4am and took a sleeping tablet, so I was out of it really all morning. I have cleaned and done some laundry, but find myself making excuse after excuse not to leave the house.....this is the easy option....to stay here in my comfort zone.

I have therapy again on Tuesday for the first time in nearly 3 weeks.....does anyone else dread it as much as me? I find it so awkward having amnesia...I'e had a few flashbacks over the holidays, journalled by writing poems and stuff, but something is stopping me from remembering anything else apart from what I wrote in my life story condensed on here.

I know there is so much more, little snippets of information sometimes catch me by surprise...... more things trigger me.....

Tony waslistening to some really old glam rock stuff...which i lke, but a certain one came on and bang.....big trigger.....

I just feel like hiding then....going into my dark place and staying there, eyes tight shut .... tealights trigger me, from the power cuts of the 70's when I had a single nightlight in my bedroom where the abuse took place......... we use loads of them at Christmas......

This is a new year, I want to put it all behind me, but it's only a date.....wouldn't I have done this years ago if it was so easy.....

I'm scared I'll never feel better, not completely, I think I must be going down a bit cos I am so lethargic and have no interest.....took all my strength to clean this morning.

sorry this is so long, trying to keep my mind off eing alone right now..... separation anxiety looks like the next thing,,,,

please just let me be ok......

sorry for ranting/rambling

Jinny xxxxx

[Kiya]

(((((((((jinny)))))))))) I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. It is hard to beat of isolation when we don't want to be around anyone, but don't want to be alone either. I read a lot just for that reason. I am glad you are reaching out here. Keep reaching out. It is hard to remember, but the flashbacks are already over - they happened and now, even tho they feel like they'll kill you, can't really hurt you any more. It might be helpful to think of them like a tv - a picture far away from you in a box that you have control over with a remote - you can turn off the volume, change the channel, turn off the tv - or you can choose to look at the flachback as if it were a horror story of someone elses life. Then you can know the information without it consuming you.

((((((((safe hugs if you want them))))))
Kiya

[DePressMe]

Hi jinnyann, if you feel like being alone, maybe you can turn it into a positive. Sometimes, we need to be alone to recharge our batteries and to take care of ourself. Don't beat yourself up for not getting out of the house. Maybe you can take a nap and get some much needed sleep, write about your feelings, take a long bath...maybe pamper yourself with peace and quite. Sometimes, it is okay to be in our comfort zone. You have a lot going on right now and maybe it is okay to be there...know what I mean?

At one time I truly dreaded therapy, but now I just find it to be a bit annoying--I'd rather be doing other things with my time--sometimes it feels like a relief and sometimes it just feels like work--occasionally, it feels kinda good.

Sometimes I wonder if I am going to ever "get better" or feel good...during those times, I try to remember the positive moments in my life and have faith that I can make them grow. Just last night in therapy I was talking about my frustration about not getting better--I wanted to just fix myself so I could move on. My therapist assured me I can get better, I have already gotten better, but I can never go back and fix things...this will always be a part of my life, but I can learn to manage it and be happy.

Hang in there--hey, at least you got the cleaning done, there are days I can't even do that.

[salukigirl]

(((((jinnyann)))) you have been there for me through several posts and i want to thank you for sharing this with us.

in my experience i have noticed that i slowly remember things from my past like you described, but only when im finally ready. our unconscious knows everything about our past and its protecting you. if you cant remember something then its probably because youre not truly ready to accept it yet.

after going through some therapy at several different stages of my life, i have seen that when i have a realization and feel that ive really grown as a person, is when more things arise from my past. like i had always remembered a specific conversation with my parents but never what it was about. i remember their faces and them asking me a question but then recently i remembered that it was when they asked me if my cousin had molested me when i was little. my brain had been hiding that from me for 15 years. and when i remembered it, i didnt feel as horribly depressed as i would have say 5 years ago. so i think that if you stick with it and make a conscius effort, those memories will come back to you.

i hope youre feeling better. at least youre strong enough to go see a doctor and admit when something is wrong. a lot of people never reach that point and spend their whole lives repressing childhood memories. be thankful for that.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( jinny ))))))))))))))))

thankyou so much for all the support, I really appreciate you all so much.....I am in a dark place at the moment, my dad has to take me to therapy on Tuesday as I have a phobia about public transport, which is embarrasing at my age.....

Tony starts his new job on Monday, so I am going to be alone a lot in the day but no longer at night thank goodness......

I just dont adapt to big changes very well, I'm worried about stupid little things......

oh well, sure you/ve heard enough rubbish out of my mouth for one day

thanks for listening

Jin x