[Kiya]

I keep going round on the same question; what do you want to do with your life? I get that in Therapy, when applying for jobs (what are your long term goals? - nothing), from friends, my mom.... the list goes on.

This last time i was feeling suicidal my friend asked me to write the Samaritians because they have a free and confidential email where people can write about all the
*%&$ going on. So i did and through several emails i have finally understood something about myself. One might view this and go "Duh!" but this was a bit of a Eureka moment for me.

Because of the abuse in my life (age 2-12 sexually, age 1-22 verbally, emotionally, financially, and with the constant undertone of sexual things like implying I am a slut, I'm worthless unless someone actually pays for me, I deserve only what the dad wants…) several things occurred.
#1 I had to develop a means of survival which ended up being DID/MPD
#2 Because of DID/MPD, continued abuse, moving constantly to keep our family isolated, and constant interruptions every year of my schooling, there are gaps to my knowledge base, and I didn’t get to mature in the right time (ahead for some things, terribly behind in others, and not at all in some), and I don’t know what pieces I am missing.
#3 because of all those things, I didn’t get to fully develop any talents or interests, plus any I did start to develop were insidiously usurped by my controlling dad, much like a parasitic plant.
#4 Thus, not only do I not know what I want to do, but I have taught myself to do and want nothing simply because of No. 3 and now...
#5 Don’t want to do anything and feel totally useless.
#6 Which leaves me with the constant choice I keep returning to; commit suicide.

So, when someone asks me what I want to do with my life, I go back to #3 and #4 which lead back to # 5 and #6... And round and round the cycle goes.

It helps to be able to see the full picture when one wants to solve one's problems. I may forget this again later, but for now i have a bit of clarity.

kiya

((((((KIYA)))))

i am so sorry about what you have been through .... You have developed a survival strategy ... well done you ... you have some order about it.... thanks for sharing .... I have been confused about my behaviour all my life...I too was emotionally abused from 2/3 to very recently by my mother, basically ignored by my dad but he has always been there in times of need, and sexually abused from 8 - 15.

I admire you greatly, part of your story I can relate to ... if anything comes along that I cant cope to I turn to the same thoughts ... because I just want the peace ... I am in therapy at long last, and although I have someone to talk to proffessionally now, still wonder if it will help me.... I suppose time will tell.

I know I have to really get well from MY inside self ... but some days I have no energy for this, or inclination .... In therapy sometimes I feel exhausted and sort of want to sleep!!!!

This may be because I feel safe there ... or because I dont want to work?

Sorry I'm going off on one ... Just want you to know you are not alone, I hear you and you can pm me anytime .... nice to know someone feels similar ... you just use your words better than me and take half the time saying it ....

Hugs to a fellow survivor .... Jinnyann xxxxxxx

[Cthomas]

Kiya, I have had those same feelings over and over. It seems to be common of us who have been abused.

But you have to know You are NOT worthless. you are NOT worthless my friend. You have helped me out a LOT since ive come to these forums. actually if i tried to name all the names of those who have helped it woudl take 10 posts...you being one of them. So please lean on me my friend. You are not worthless, not alone, not any of those things you were called.

What you are.....caring, loving, worthwhile, giving, generous, and a true friend to people you have never met face to face. What do you have? friends......here. IM one of them remember. If i had to, id take a bus to where you lived to just give a hug. so pm the address...im on my way.

Colleen

[Kiya]

((((((((((((((((((Jinny, Colleen)))))))))))))))))))
Thanks...
You know, i think i find it easier to connect with people i've "never even seen". Being within the "walls" of PC, we are safe. There is no physical contact, yet we give and get hugs - no demands, yet we all support each other. IRL i have 4 friends; one who lives 1500 miles away, one who i see maybe every 6 months, one i see maybe every other month, and one i only see in choir weekly. Only the gal who lives so far away really knows all everyone in here knows about me. There is safety in distance, and comfort in internet access.
Ok, i'm rambling. In other words, thanks for being here.
kiya

(((((((((((((colleen))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((kiya)))))))))))))))

hugs and care and safe arms to you both........

Kerry/Jin xxxxxxxxx

[Cyran0]

Kiya, that kind of insight into yourself is priceless. It's a huge step. Congratulations.

Cyran0

[Kiya]

Thanks - it is a big step, it took a lot of self reflection and thinking about how the pieces fit.

now the next step is to go further and see if i can find a. what is meaningful to me, and b. if i have enough stamina and will to bring it to fruition.

[Perna]

Actually, I think your first step is trying a few things out, exploring. Since your father wouldn't let you, now is the time to break the 3/4 goes to 5/6 cycle. We can develop interests all our lives and the attributes/talents we're born with don't really go anywhere, they just get used "strangely" :-) when they get subverted by mental illness into symptoms, etc.

It looks like you have a little singing though going with chorus? That's a good start. What other things were you trying to persue when you were a kid; those will tell you where your talents lie. Usually interests are somewhere around talents; zoologists or veterinarians don't start as astronomers or discreet mathematicians :-)

[Kiya]

hmmmm... well that is where i get frustrated and really down. i have tried photography, painting, interior design and fashin design... some others i am sure... oh acting... but everything falls through - like there's a hole in me someplace and stuff leaks out. I find i don't have enough talent to carry me through on anything, not enough knowledge, no money resourses to go back to school (or when I am in school - like now - I end up hating what I am doing). It is something i don't understand and frustrates me to no end... cycle back to 5/6.

part i am sure is the whole "want it NOW" syndrome that my parents lived off of. Nothing was ever followed through on because if they couldn't have it NOW they changed directions. I have got to get me some living skills! Any one know a store that carries those? I should tell T this, huh?

[DePressMe]

Hi Kiya, I too have suffered abuse and I think it has affected my ability to "see things through." I also feel like I have no talent--I am an artist, but not really a very good one...what makes me stick with it is the satisfaction in the process of doing the art, not necessarily the finished product. I have done a jillion things in life, but have often failed to see them through to completion...I always start things giving 100 percent and I think its "really it" but in the end, I find out its not the magic answer I was looking for. Now, I am in a job that I like but, of course, I would like to have a better job--a different job.

Its good that you were able to organize your thoughts and write all this out...I am sure it is a step in the right direction.

[Kiya]

"I always start things giving 100 percent and I think its "really it" but in the end, I find out its not the magic answer I was looking for. Now, I am in a job that I like but, of course, I would like to have a better job--a different job. "

Aye... magical thinking at its finest, a tune i know well... Thanks for the post! kiya