TRIGGER My Life

My therapist told me I should talk to someone about my childhood... it's just too hard for me to talk about it IRL, I can barely get a word out. So I'm just gonna post here, just so I can get a bit out.

My dad used to abuse me, sexually and physically, from the ages 4 until the last day I was 9. I never was a kid, I had no childhood, he made me find my own food and clothes. I didn't go to school, I was too busy trying to survive. When he'd go out late at night I had to guard the house... we lived in a poor area with high crime and I was supposed to make sure no one broke in. His dealer used to come in late at night and hurt me too.

He told me I could never go to the doctor, he told me only the weak got injured at I was pathetic if I went to the doctor. But one day he hurt my arm so bad that I sneaked to the doctor late at night. The doctor took advantage of me and did things. I can't see a doctor today without getting sick to my stomach.

When I was 7 I saw him take his gun and shoot my mum and laugh about her body lying on the ground. On my 10th Birthday I saw him shoot my only friend. He killed my friend because that friend had given me cough syrup because I had had a cold.

My dad died on my 10th Birthday too, I don't know how. All I remember is paramedics and police officers in the house leading me away and seeing my dad's body on the ground with a gun on the floor. I don't know who killed him. I'll never know if I killed him or if he killed himself.

Almost everything reminds me of my past, and I feel like I deserved it and everything was my fault, but then some days I know it wasn't my fault. I don't even know how I feel.

Thanks guys... I needed to get it off my chest. It's easier to talk online, no one will judge.

We won't judge you .. that's for sure
Good for getting it of your chest!!!

Blue

You've done something incredibly brave by sharing your story here. Like Blue said, good for you!

Ledge, thank you for sharing that. I know it's hard. And I can't tell you how sorry I am that all of that happened to you. No child could ever deal with all of that. Heck, few adults could deal with all of that.

I hope one day the hurt, self blame and confusion will go away and you can feel whole. I think you've taken a big step towards that.

Be safe.

Cyran0

Ledgewood, to be honest, I read your post earlier, but I did not reply because I was unsure of what to say...that was such horrific abuse and violence for you to experience. I felt like anything I could possibly say would be meaningless in the light of your suffering.

I am still a little unsure of how to reply...I suffered severe abuse, but your experience was so much more violent than mine. I do know that I can relate to your feelings of self blame--of sometimes thinking you caused it or deserved it--and sometimes knowing thats not true, that you were an innocent child. For me, trying to figure out how I feel is a constant struggle. It does help to come here to PC...I also journal a lot and I am in therapy. My wish for you is that you can come to firmly believe that you were an innocent child and you did not cause or deserve the violence and abuse.

I am glad I finally replied to your post, you have been on my mind...I hope you are feeling a little bit better.