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#1
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My therapist told me I should talk to someone about my childhood... it's just too hard for me to talk about it IRL, I can barely get a word out. So I'm just gonna post here, just so I can get a bit out.
My dad used to abuse me, sexually and physically, from the ages 4 until the last day I was 9. I never was a kid, I had no childhood, he made me find my own food and clothes. I didn't go to school, I was too busy trying to survive. When he'd go out late at night I had to guard the house... we lived in a poor area with high crime and I was supposed to make sure no one broke in. His dealer used to come in late at night and hurt me too. He told me I could never go to the doctor, he told me only the weak got injured at I was pathetic if I went to the doctor. But one day he hurt my arm so bad that I sneaked to the doctor late at night. The doctor took advantage of me and did things. I can't see a doctor today without getting sick to my stomach. When I was 7 I saw him take his gun and shoot my mum and laugh about her body lying on the ground. On my 10th Birthday I saw him shoot my only friend. He killed my friend because that friend had given me cough syrup because I had had a cold. My dad died on my 10th Birthday too, I don't know how. All I remember is paramedics and police officers in the house leading me away and seeing my dad's body on the ground with a gun on the floor. I don't know who killed him. I'll never know if I killed him or if he killed himself. Almost everything reminds me of my past, and I feel like I deserved it and everything was my fault, but then some days I know it wasn't my fault. I don't even know how I feel. Thanks guys... I needed to get it off my chest. It's easier to talk online, no one will judge. |
#2
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We won't judge you .. that's for sure
Good for getting it of your chest!!! Blue
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#3
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You've done something incredibly brave by sharing your story here. Like Blue said, good for you!
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Why is it that the hardest things in life include holding your hand. |
#4
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Ledge, thank you for sharing that. I know it's hard. And I can't tell you how sorry I am that all of that happened to you. No child could ever deal with all of that. Heck, few adults could deal with all of that.
I hope one day the hurt, self blame and confusion will go away and you can feel whole. I think you've taken a big step towards that. Be safe. Cyran0
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My blog: http://cyran0.psychcentral.net/ Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD (childhood physical/sexual abuse), history of drug abuse. Meds: Zoloft, Lorazapam, Coffee, Cigarettes "I may climb perhaps to no great heights, but I will climb alone." -Cyrano de Bergerac |
#5
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Ledgewood, to be honest, I read your post earlier, but I did not reply because I was unsure of what to say...that was such horrific abuse and violence for you to experience. I felt like anything I could possibly say would be meaningless in the light of your suffering.
I am still a little unsure of how to reply...I suffered severe abuse, but your experience was so much more violent than mine. I do know that I can relate to your feelings of self blame--of sometimes thinking you caused it or deserved it--and sometimes knowing thats not true, that you were an innocent child. For me, trying to figure out how I feel is a constant struggle. It does help to come here to PC...I also journal a lot and I am in therapy. My wish for you is that you can come to firmly believe that you were an innocent child and you did not cause or deserve the violence and abuse. I am glad I finally replied to your post, you have been on my mind...I hope you are feeling a little bit better.
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You don't have to fly straight... ![]() ...just keep it between the lines!
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