A moment of clarity.. maybe. (triggering!)

Alright, this is just.. I don't know, I don't know what this is EXACTLY, but if anyone has any opinions, ideas, I'll be thankful for them. I just... Felt like I needed to let this out.

I'm mostly on the bipolar or schizophrenia forums, but I guess I've always been able to do this "drifting away" trick. Yesterday I started dissociating (derealisation/depersonalisation, whichever) while I was out with my dog and then I realised it was because I am completely shattered inside, even when everything in my life is in place.

It's like pieces of a puzzle, but I thought that the puzzle was done when in fact, it was only an illusion. Maybe it was covered by plastic, pieces put into the wrong places, like some children's puzzles are when bought, to create the illusion of a finished one..

Well, anyway, then I realised why I was so shattered. Or maybe. I don't know. I may be overreacting. My dad always told me I was too sensitive, but I don't know. But the truth is, that they have never taken me seriously. They don't respect any decision I have made myself, without their assistance.

And I never got the chance to truly be a child, well, to a certain extent I did, but still, my mom was too busy working and I was most of the time on my own, entertaining myself with music. That's why I learned new languages. I listened to music all day long.

Then later my mom would have to resort to me as a "protector" of sorts, since when my dad was drunk he would hit her and call her names, but not me. So she'd hide in my room and cry all night.

What was the most dramatic point in my childhood was when my mom asked me if we should kill ourselves.

I was six, or seven years old, and I was shocked, but I didn't tell anyone. I have only told my therapist, but I don't see her anymore. But I think it affected on my personality so that I have taken friends with very serious problems under my wings, when I still would have needed energy to heal myself.

Myself. It's such a weird concept. I don't think I have ever been "myself". I have always been a different person to everyone, first analysing what they expect from me, and then being the person they expect me to be.

That's probably because I was picked when I started school. Not immediately, but a few weeks. They just needed someone for that. I didn't care much. I was overweight, and I knew it. Now I'm not very far from being underweight (according to BMI) and I still find myself disgusting. But that's an another story, it belongs to a different category, but it has contributed to this problem.

Two of my best friends were manipulative. I have cut ties with both of them now, and all the friends I have are.. Well, just my boyfriend and this one guy I've known since junior high. But I think it's a good start. And I'd seriously just have them in my life than tons of other people.

Sometimes I feel like I have lied to my therapists, I'm not sure if I have, sometimes it feels weird to have said things that they tell me I have said, but this.. This is the ultimate truth. I don't care if I'm bipolar, psychotic, schizo, whatever, it can all be treated with meds. This, what ever it is, is truly eating me, and all I know that it manifests in the experiences of dissociation.

Maybe it's a milestone of sorts? To finally find out what troubles you.

Hi,
can you say more about the "being different for each person" and how the puzzle fits together?

I often feel like i am a chamelion - changing my colors with each new situation and person, but never really feel like "me", what ever that is.
Kiya

Thanks for reading Kiya. And yes. I feel exactly like that too.

A lot of people say it's because I want to please other people, but I wouldn't say exactly that.. It's just that I am _someone else_ upon encountering someone/something new. Nothing I can do about it.

Sometimes it feels like I'm in control, and sometimes I don't.. I don't know what it means. Some form of depersonalisation perhaps.

And the puzzle? i don't know what it means either, but I know that there are things I'm not aware of, and need to find out. Things from my past. That I may remember at some point of my life, or when triggered. All I know that this is the most painful trial I've ever faced.

Haha I went to see my pdoc today and she's saying I'm psychotic with some dissociative symptoms. How crushing. I still think the psychotic stuff is secondary compared to this. To being completely shattered.

It all sounds so horrid. But right now, it doesn't seem so bad.

> Haha I went to see my pdoc today and she's saying I'm psychotic with some dissociative symptoms.

Do you have the impression she knows what that means? In real-person language, that is...

What that means in my case? No. It feels like she isn't even bothering to listen to the _whole_ story, just hearing some details here and there, which are, I must admit, psychotic, but still, the emphasis should be put on the dissociative symptoms. Those bother me the most.

In real- person language? Probably. It, however, seems that all day she prescribes people meds without seeing them. That is weird.

Yeah, meds have helped. And the reason I'm staying is that the dissociative stuff _must_ be brought up some day...

i can't seem to access my dissociative stuff. i just stay in these floaty states of consciousness, various states that keep me out of touch with the feelings, memories, whatever it is that brought me to this. i've touched stuff from time to time over the last mannny years in therapy. but sometimes, when i'm in periods like this, i just can't seem to access anything. it's like i'm fighting myself. i'm trying to see something and a part of me is trying to keep it unseen.

you say the dissoc symptoms bother you more than the psychotic. what's that feel like? the difference b/w them i mean?

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Katie_Kaboom said:
(derealisation/depersonalisation, whichever) while I was out with my dog and then I realised it was because I am completely shattered inside, even when everything in my life is in place.

It's like pieces of a puzzle, but I thought that the puzzle was done when in fact, it was only an illusion. Maybe it was covered by plastic, pieces put into the wrong places, like some children's puzzles are when bought, to create the illusion of a finished one..

This, what ever it is, is truly eating me, and all I know that it manifests in the experiences of dissociation.

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your story sounds a lot like mine in that you had a long term period of a reality you just didn't want to fully be in and feel the full brunt of. i can so relate to your use of the word shattered "even when life outide is in place". very well articulated and really hits home. a trigger of sorts but not in a bad way. just making me feel the pain of what you are describing and it's so hard...like a living hell to be a puzzle that is in pieces trying to put itself together. i hate it i hate it i hate it. makes me want to cry. you really get it don't you??? that's so comforting to me. knowing somebody "out there" knows what shattered feels like and the disilllusion of thinking it was together at a time only to enter another stage where you realize it either wasn't or if it was, it has disintegrated again.

dissociating is the hardest of hells isn't it?? my life feels like it's been lost to this. even the moments of joy i think i may have had i can't connect to once they have passed.

sorry to blab on and on. i just really liked how you explained yourself.

susan

Thanks for reading, Susan. I'm glad you can relate to all this... whatever it is in the end. It just made me more sure of the fact that this needs to be sorted out.

It's also comforting for me to know that somebody understood what I was saying, when I felt completely torn apart and unable to be articulate. =)

Yes, I've found all dissociative disorders are really hard. Because you can't quite put your finger on it, or need several decades of therapy to do it. And the whole having no identity or a shattered identity thing.. Gee. Wonder how it's ever gonna happen?

Gah. Sometimes I wish I didn't know what it's about, but then again, I don't know if life would be any easier that way either.

It's always okay to blab if it helps you!!