[missdymphna]

Did anyone else have problems with PSB when they were young because of sexual trauma? I recently talked to my therapist about this and I wanted to see if any other survivors had a similar problem

I was abused when I was in the 1st/2nd grade by a girl who was my stepsister at the time, it hurt me so severely that the prodromal phase of my schizoaffective disorder started and my life got ruined I ended up engaging in some PSB in elementary school because of it. An obsession with pornography and sexting adult men who wanted pictures and only a couple years after I reenacted by showing another girl porn and viewed content with her, I think I was 9-10.

My therapist said it was common for that to happen with sexually abused kids, and that I wasn't an abuser, there wasn't any coercion or force or violence or anything (I don't remember exactly what happened which really really bothers me and I wish I did but from what I remember there wasn't). I thought it was normal and I didn't know it was really bad or the full extent of the ramifications of it because of what I went through. She says to be kind to myself and show myself some forgiveness because I'd been abused and no adult in my life cared enough to do anything or even look at the signs until I came out and told them when I was 14, when I really remembered and realized, which is what kickstarted my first acute psychotic episode. But it's hard. I feel like I'm evil sometimes even though I know I was an abused kid that nobody cared about to keep safe. I just went back to college after saving up and working so hard to pay for it myself despite my disorder, I wanted to work with young kids, help them grow and become who they are as humans, it's such a special thing and I know there are so many struggling kids, and I want to help and be the adult that I never got in my early years, one that cared, but remembering what happened makes me want to drop out and not even try. My therapist said all of those experiences are all the more reason I should continue with my major, because kids who suffer through this stuff need people who understand, who've been through and can empathize and be kind. But it's still hard.

I mostly just feel alone, I just want to know if others have these kinds of experiences as a result of sexual abuse. I feel like I shouldn't even belong in survivor spaces sometimes even though I was abused and it hurt me so bad I started developing a psychotic disorder at 7, and that there are pictures of me online that will never go away. And I don't really know how to deal with it is all. Thank you.

[CANDC]

Welcome to MSF @missdymphna - I am so sorry to hear how you suffered through abuse. No one should have to endure that especially as a young child.

I agree with your therapist that the area you want to help people in is so needed in these troubled times we live in right now. You have suffered much but for that very reason you are immensely qualified to help other survivors of abuse.

Hope you get some comfort and make some friends here at MSF. I have helped a friend who has had psychoitc episodes so I have witnessed first hand how challenging that can be.

You might find posts here in Survivors of Abuse that resonate with you and it might be a good place to post also.

CANDC

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