childhood sexual abuse

i recently asked a question here whether childhood abuse causes relationship failures...guess i really didnt have to ask....i already knew...but here is part of my story...i think just to tell it would be helpful to me....but any advice would be greatly appreciated...

when i was 2 my dad went to prison for theft for 2 years...my mother and i were living with his parents and then my mother decided to divorce my dad and marry his younger brother...i saw them try to kill each other when my dad got out..my uncle/step dad hated me and beat me once...he was abusive in every way to my mother...she would have to leave often after he'd hit her...i begged her to take me with her and she started to take me and leave my siblings with him....my greatest wish as a child was that she'd leave him...and since i gave up that would ever happen i wished for 18 so i could leave home...

when i was 6 years old my grandfather molested me...i only remember the one time...even at that age i knew it was horribly wrong but i was afraid to tell because i didnt want to hurt the grandmother that i idolized and i also didnt want anyone to harm my grandfather...i kept this secret until i was grown...

when i was 9 years old my 15 month old baby sister died from meningitis...and it crushed me...

ive never had a posititve male role model in my life and the female role model was my sweet co dependent grandmother...

ive suffered from shyness, depression, and anxiety all my life and have been a people pleaser to the extreme...my second husband cheated on me after my hysterectomy 5 years ago and i haven't been the same...i believe i have complex PTSD and maybe even BPD now....except that i have not self mutilated or attempted suicide...but i'm facing my second divorce now and i'm soooo exhausted from the panic attacks and now i have health problems i didnt have before...i'm 42 years old and FINALLY about to seek professional help....

up until 5 years ago with the hysterectomy and the infidelity, i believed i had done pretty well with my life....mild anxiety and depression and shyness....but i went to college and became a nurse...stayed married 15 years and had 3 children....went to church......my husband of 15 years was only neglectful but not really abusive....and i have to say that religion was helpful...it protected me in many ways....but when i lost sight of the religious beliefs i'd always held and experienced the "real world" i now think i have mental illness that i cannot deal with on my own...

i'm planning to see a psychiatrist asap....and hopefully i will be able to save my marriage...my husband and i are separated but we havent totally given up on each other....but i feel like i have a lot of work to do before i can have a successful relationship....and put an end to the horrible exhausting emotions i feel every day of my life...

mickie67

I can understand where you are right now. It isn't fun at all. I've been there.

Try to hold onto every bit of hope that you possibly can. Times like these aren't easy at all. You have a lot to deal with. Focus on the exact present time as much as possible. It's impossible to think about everything at once, try to prioritize with a therapist. As you work through your troubles, reward yourself with the tiny pleasures you get in your life. Blowing bubbles, nature walks, biking, coloring, the list goes on and on! Those little pleasures help us get through the tough times. Very best wishes to you!

Shez

hi...just curious about your last post about trying to manipulate....what exactly did you do...i did a lot of stuff to my husband im not proud of and wonder if others have done the same......

Hi Mickie, I'm really sorry about all the things that you had to go through as a child ......... Are you going to get a therapist too?

i'm guessing i need both....i imagine i need cognitive behavior therapy and schema therapy?

Many therapists pull from many different techniques. It just depends what is needed at the time. Therapy changed my life. You can't heal without it.

i know how u feel i was sexually abused aswell im summer x

i am sorry oyu had to go through that - it makes me mad that the people who should have protected us were the ones that caused us damage.

I am glad you are seeking help - I wouldnt have got as far in my healing wihtout my T and pdoc a trusted friend and my friends here at PC

I wish you hope and peace on your healing journey

please let us know how you go and take care

P7

thank you summer69 and phoenix7

Well, life sucks. Im sorry Im not pampering you. I had a friend who was sexually abused as a kid and I felt sorry fo her and I tried to take care of her but she wouldnt change for the better and was completely incapable of taking responsibility and it turned out like an evil cycle and every relationship she had was drama followed by another drama. But you will have to overcome guilt issues and look at stuff that will be very hurtfull and scary to come back to. I admire the fact that you are willing to get therapy... that is immensely brave of you and you can do it.

thank you ackita72

yes it is very brave and i wish you lots of strength and luck and happiness mickie 1967 and for you too akita72

thank you very much phoenix7...i appreciate you taking the time to respond

Hmmm...ackita72 I haven't read many of your posts. But your "life sucks. Im sorry Im not pampering you..."

"I tried to take care of her but she wouldnt change for the better..."

"...drama followed by another drama."

Hmmm... IDK these comments just didn't sit well with me. It's too bad all your TLC couldn't FIX your friend.

"you will have to overcome guilt issues..."

Oh...OK now I know exactly what I need to do to feel human.

Sorry ackita72 your comments at the end of your post suggest that you might mean well. I just find hearing these comments from friends upsetting.

Life does suck but dont be frustrated against people who have suffered and are opening up to others....for that too can cause a backward effect. I believe we need to breath when we reach out to help people. Helping people does have a impact on oneself. However dont take it out on anyone when you as a helper gets frustrated cause people dont do what you think they should do. I know we all are human beings but we all react differently when being helped and opening up with such painful memories. You should never expect a person to respond accordingly to what you think or what the manuals say....Its a one on one basis....A step by step process........needing unconditional love and unconditional understanding. We all react differently to the many situations in life. We all are great people and deserve the most up most respect in regards to any situation we experience in life. One day at a time ......and when its to much to handle ......One moment at a time works better....Love you all.....Learn to be refreshed when reaching out to those tender hearts! Ms.Robin

being A victim of sexual cause at the hands of my father makes me totally understand that place of not being even able to function. I did yrs and yrs of therepy before I got to the point im which I live now, but I also know there are issues that I will always have no matter what I do in live. either you grow from it or let it crush you those are the only two options in life. embrace and grow :-)