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#1
May 13, 2008, 09:15 PM
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OH GOD!!! Now I know why my abuser yelled at me in the last flashback.
I don't usually share much, but I just HAVE to get this out because it is eating me up inside.... MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING HERE!!!! ABUSE DETAIL!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here it goes *takes BIG deep breath* He used to have me "kiss" his stomach. He would tell me to kiss further down.....I would go down further til I got to the top stretchy part of his underwear. *deep breath* Then when I got to that part, I would have to kiss him....with the underwear on....down....there. I tried, but the smell was so horrible....I just couldn't do it. I would get close and he would tell me "lower" and I was just sort of....frozen. When I couldn't go any further that is when I got yelled at "THEN GET THE HELL OUT AND GO TO BED". I feel like I am going to be sick. I feel this just.....illness in my tummy right now..... My little is so scared. She is hiding under the shelf....trying to get out of the light....must be in the dark.....it's safe there. I know there is so much more in my mind and I am getting SO SCARED right now! I don't know what else is there, but it can't get worse, right? Someone please tell me it won't get worse. I don't care if you lie....I just need to hear it.....
__________________
"The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open."  Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped. 
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#2
May 13, 2008, 10:56 PM
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(((((((((((((((( onlymedid ))))))))))))))))
Ok hon....use your breathing.....slowly...deeply in with the good and slowly out with the bad hon.....pay attention to your breathing.....think hard about it.....concentrate on bringing it down to a good slow level. Feet on the floor......look around your room....see what you have there....name the things outloud.....look at the colors of things...the rug...the walls....  Do you have a fluffy you can hold onto and hug? Maybe take your favorite blanket and wrap up in it nice and tight and safe and warm? I hope you are feeling better really soon.....I know how returning memories can really scare you and through you for a loop. Know you are not alone and I'm sitting here quietly with you.... Take good care hon.  sabby |
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#3
May 13, 2008, 11:06 PM
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Thank you Sabby....I am trying so hard to just stop feeling sick and shaking. I *know* it isn't happening now, but the smells and actions sure seem very real. I tried to go to bed, but when I close my eyes the images are still there.
  I will try to keep breathing....I have my favorite Garfield with me....I just wish the thoughts would go away....forever! Gonna go try and drink some tea now...  BJ
__________________
"The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open." Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped.
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#4
May 13, 2008, 11:09 PM
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Awww hon....you are most welcome....it sounds like you are doing all the right things...and you WILL get through this
Do all the good things you can for yourself and your system.....you are right...its not happening now, but I totally understand how it "feels" like you are right back there. Maybe you can put in a funny movie or watch a funny tv show too. That might help you to take your mind elsewhere....and you know what they say about laughter  ((((((((((((((((((( BJ )))))))))))))))))))  sabby |
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#5
May 14, 2008, 07:31 AM
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Well, I was able to get it down onto paper in the hopes that I will be able to give it to T on Tuesday. I wasn't really able to sleep last night. I tossed and turned and this AFTER it took me 3 hours of laying there trying to GET to sleep.
It gets better later, right? BJ
__________________
"The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open." Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped.
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#6
May 14, 2008, 08:07 AM
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In time hon.....as you work through the memories.....it gets better....as you learn your coping skills.....it gets better
(((((((((( BJ )))))))))))))) sabby |
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#7
May 14, 2008, 08:08 AM
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You say you are scared, and I bet you are, but you come off as brave to me - you wrote about it.
And yes, it does get better! (((BJ)))
__________________
花鳥風月
c'est tout ce que j'aime |
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#8
May 14, 2008, 06:44 PM
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Thank you Sabby and Katie. I have hope that it gets better, but for right now it just really stinks!
I almost walked out of work today because I just couldn't get the images out of my mind....it is haunting! BLECH! I sure don't think I am that brave, but thanks! BJ
__________________
"The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open." Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped.
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