Feel Like A Shell Sometimes

Sometimes I feel like this shell of...I don't even know...I don't feel human half the time...if I ever did at all.

I just returned back home from being with this guy in Colorado. Things were ok at first...then it was to where he was smothering me with affection...so much that I couldn't breathe. It was always the poor me attitude if I said anything. Then when I broke up with him, it just got bad. We shared the same computer and he was cyberstalking me. I found this out because I had gone to a site he wasn't a member of (he had to be on every site I was on or he'd flip) and saw he registered under a false identity.

Every time I'd confront him he'd deny everything. When other people would confront him...he'd deny all. I knew I had to get out. He'd call me crazy and everything...saying I was making stuff up, but I wasn't. He was always super nice about taking me places and all that...but everything behind my back was really malicious.

After I got home, I had all sorts of people harassing me because of stuff he told them (things that were untrue). And once in awhile I still get stuff from other people regarding him.

I've blocked and refused to talk to anyone associated with him now...and it's no wonder I have been recently diagnosed with agoraphobia...so afraid to just talk to anyone...I don't wanna have anything to do with anyone at all...I just don't wanna hurt again.

Even though I'm away from him he's still infecting me with his negativity...his hatred. I just wanna be free from fear, ya know?

I am in therapy for all this stuff....it's just really hard because this isn't the only form of abuse that I've been affected by...and I have a lot of triggers even without this most recent abusive relationship.

=( glad you got away!!! that is really freaky and i totally get it. it is so frustrating when another person warps your own reality and twists it - for me it began to make me question what i really knew to be true. I knew i wasn't making it up, but the other person would then tell everyone else we knew and ... it just can be so overwhelming and confusing.
I hope you're safe out there and taking steps to maintain your privacy from him... clear your computer cache and make sure he's not hacking your info. I don't think it's paranoid at all. Hopefully you can break free of all his negativity and stop the fear that keeps you trapped.
Kiya