[crw1907]

Hi, I'm new here. I read through some of your threads and found everything very helpful, so I figured I would post because I'm trying to figure out what I'm dealing with in my marriage, if it's normal or if it's an abusive situation.

I've been married for 7 years. I am in my twenties, my husband is in his thirties. We have two children. We married when I was 17 and he was 24, I was pregnant and we were very much in love, he was my life, and I was his, so we married and decided to form our family.

We've had two children since then.

My husband was never violent when we were dating- in fact, because of my very unstable upbringing and the divorce of my parents, I was usually the one to get the most angry, and when I do, I typically say very hurtful things to hurt my husband, when I'm angry a him. But when we got married, things changed. My husband always had a very mild personality, he's very organized, I am not, I am very outspoken, he never has been. During the first year of our marriage I experienced the first time that I may have said something mean to him, in a fight, very very mean things (but only words) and he grabbed my arm and pushed me. Things did escalate, but it's not an everyday thing. He slapped me once in front of our daughter, when we were arguing. After that I started going to counseling and he came with me a couple of times. We have talked and talked and talked, he has apologized. But he also has control issues. He gets upset if I go out for my friends. Last year for my birthday I went out with my friends (keep in mind I don't even drink alcohol! We just went out to have dinner at a nice upscale restaurant) and when I came home he blocked the garage door so I couldn't come into the house, because it was midnight. I had to beg and talk to him through the door for him to let me in, he kept saying that I shouldn't be coming home at that time. We also call each other names. He has called me slut, fat pig (i am 5'4 and 120 lbs, i also workout every single day and have been told/i also think that I'm very attractive)but we have gotten along lately much better. About 5 months ago we had one of these episodes where we were fighting and he grabbed me or hurt me in some way, but he has never punched me or anything like that. About 5 months ago we talked and he said he realized he had a problem, and that he shouldn't treat me that way. We've been fine since until this weekend, we went away for the weekend with our kids to a family thing, and he kept giving me this look, always wanting to know what I'm doing, because it bothers him when I do anything like go on the computer for some "free time" and I'm not all over him and the kids trying to please everyone. I made the mistake of telling all of this to my mom. she was SHOCKED. I regret telling her because now she's sooo worried about me, told me this was abuse and that I need to join a battered wives support group. When she first said this I thought she's insane, because I really do think since this doesn't happen all the time, it's not so bad. And I have figured out that If I don't make him angry, this won't happen. Even though this hasn't happened in a while, there are times when we are fighting and he tries to "scare me", by standing up and signaling that he will hurt me if i continue arguing. But when we're ok, we have a normal family life. He has never ever ever layed a hand on my kids, I would NEVER allow that and he would never hurt his children. He's a very good father, caring, spends time with the kids, we go on vacation together, etc..

Anyway, if you guys could weigh in and tell me if this is normal or if I need to get some kind of help other than therapy (I do have a therapist but I don't tell her these things, since I guess I don't want her to get the wrong idea)

Thanks in advance!
C

[RACEKA]

You are definately in an abusive relationship. Tell your T ASAP. It starts out small and then it escalates. He is controlling you. He tries to scare you to get his way. Your mother should be worried about you. I hope he will get some help.

Please stay safe. Let us know how things are going.

[Fuzzybear]

[cowgirls_dont_cry]

Hi I am pretty new here so I hope you don't mind me jumping in.. I have to say to be in an abusive relationship the abuse doesn't have to be all the time.. I am sure in the in between times that he isnt being abusive I am sure your memories are very clear of the times you are.. I have been in a very abusive relationship for 9 years. 2 years of trying to get away with my children but he uses my children to keep me abroad... He is very scary when he wants to be.. Everytime he has abused me or our children I have apicture that has been imbedded.. I cannot forget.. I remember eacha nd every time..
You need help.. But one of my mistakes was not going to the womans shelter.. If I had things would be very different today..
So here I am still here.. Try counselling and whatever you need to do.. You are very lucky to have a mom that cares and is aware of these signs.. My mom always takes his side and says this is normal way for men to act.. Hugs.. be carefull what you decide and how you go about it.. you need the right people behind you.. especially when it involves your children...

[sujunew]

(((((crw)))))
yes, this is an abusive relationship. Your situation sounds similar to the one I used to be in- I used words and he used violence. My ex-husband never 'hit' me; he seemed to be very restrained like that. Instead I was kicked, pushed and shoved, thrown into walls, dragged round the house by my hair...and then there was the verbal abuse on top of that. Yet despite all of this I blamed myself because I made him angry with my words, and because I knew how to wind him up.

We went to relationship counselling together, as in a realtionship it really does 'take 2 to tango', and while it didn't 'save' the marriage it gave me a lot of valuable tools to use in all relationships; a lot of great communication tools.

Maybe you could start by talking with your t; he/she will be able to help guide you with what you could do whether it be relationship counselling; individual therapy or whatever...

Good luck xxx