Memories

Wow! Wow!

6 days, and taking good care of yourself. What a turnaround! This is amazing. Nicole, you should be so proud of yourself. I'm proud of you!

I know I should be proud of myself, but I am not. I keep beating myself up about everything. I just can't seem to let it go. Today I have been wanting to si so bad it is unreal. Drinking doesn't sound so bad either. I guess I should cut myself some slack, because at least I havent done either. I just hate myself for even thinking of them as options. I don't want either one to be an option but it is. Anyway I am rambling

Nicole

Dear Nicole,

Hang in there. You have done well this past week, and we believe in you. When you need more support, hang around here with us, ok? There are lots of people here who care about you and want to help. Do what you need to in order to keep yourself safe. Maybe it would help to think of reasons why not to act out self-destructively? I'll start you out. You have already hurt more than anyone deserves. You don't deserve to hurt anymore.
Love,
Wendy

Wendy, the problem is that I feel I do deserve it. I deserve everything I ever got. I deserved it all. I am a horrible person. I feel like I am not even worthy of the air I breathe. I am just not worth caring about. I hate myself and I do deserve to hurt more. I have not hurt enough for what I have done. I am horrible person.

<font color="green">Memories are hard to deal with, but we remember them and they arise so we can deal with them, and it also means that we are ready for them they wouldn't come unless that was true. Writting down does help, and if you have a T then definatly bring them in and show him/her so you can learn to cope with them. I know it's hard hon, I know that it is scary and that you rather have it pushed away and forgotten, but that can't happen because unless these memories are dealt with they will never go away. I've been there so I know how hard it is but i've also recovered and it was well worth it in the end for me. Because now i'm set free, i've handled my PTSD amazingly, that's what my psychiatrist told me. </font>

Nicole:

None of that is your fault. You're not to blame and you are very worthy of someone's love and I hope you find it.

((((hugs)))) if you want them.
Kimberly.

Nicole,

I'm sorry that you feel like that. I still stand by what I told you though. You were an innocent child. There is nobody in the whole world who deserves to be abused. Even convicted criminals have rights and have to be treated decently. And a lot of them don't acknowledge that they deserve any punishment at all. It is the people who are tender-hearted and who try always to be conscientious and to 'be good' who tend to think that they deserve to be punished, and they deserve it less than anyone. I can kind-of relate to that, since I've always felt like I had to be very good (I guess perfect would fit there), and I am very hard on myself if anyone even thinks that I'm bad, or not good enough. But it isn't true. Innocent children do not deserve abuse, ever. Neither to the adults that those children grow into, even if you are human and you make mistakes.

(((((((hugs))))))))) if safe and ok
Love,
Wendy

Blaming ourselves is a distortion of our minds. I see it so clearly in others -- but when it comes to myself -- I surely am the lowest.

I guess that's just how our stinkin' thinkin' works.

You were not to blame, and you are doing great. Plz don't beat yourself up.

I was reading something recently and it said that people who were abused as children all get that it is not a child's fault but still believe that they are the one exception to that rule. I know I struggle with it too. There had to be a reason i was beaten and assaulted before I was two years old. I am working on believing that I was an innocent who didn't deserve it in any way. There is nothing wrong with me that caused it to happen. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was the fault of the adults.

Thanks everyone. Sorry I haven't answered back. Been a busy couple of days. I am feel a little better now. I will be glad when my T gets back in town though. I have a lot to tell her. Anyway thanks
nicole

Good to hear that your hanging in. See what I mean, you are a strong person.

Do you have an appointment booked for when she is back??

Take care Nicole and thanks for letting us know how you are.

Justy

Justy,
Yes I have an appointment with T Monday morning. Same as always. Take care Justy.
Nicole