Because... of my son... I never "allow" myself to think about my abusive ex-husband... married at 19... for 12 years....the following 23 years of raising our son..

Civilized conversations after the divorce across the dinner table - sharing my son's life.. his birthdays at my home... holidays at my home... my ex always bring his "current" g/f.... everything just so civilized... you know...

I sat... with my rapest...cutting.. birthday cake... I sat with the man.. that threw me into walls... that gave me bruises... that took my head.. and banged it repeatedly.. into the wall....I sat with the man.. that kicked me... who said unspeakable things to me..I sat with the man.. that yanked my arm up behind my back with such force.. he damaged... the scapula.. and all the supporting muscles... leaving me.. to battle.. in physical therapy... recovering for years.. I sat with the man... that paid no child support... yet.. enjoyed.. having his son...

So... for 20 some years... I sat across from this man.. in a civialized manner... and cooked dinners... for..his visitation with our son...for holidays... for birthdays.. for barbaques..

Never saying a word... never complaining... pasting a smile on my face.. stuffing my feelings... for the sake and the health of our son...

And today... it occurred to me... that wow... someday this man will be dead... that he will die... and that I will be going to his funneral..

and.. that I will be happy....

then I think... how can I be happy.. for something that will cause my son... such terrible pain..

When do I...get... to be happy.... when do I get justice...

is there any justice......????????????????????????

do I matter..... or is all about my son??? now an adult... do I ever get to scream????

you see.. I learned... how to cry.. without making a sound... in the shower... at night late in bed....

[Cthomas]

You were a good mother. And now you are feeling the pain you needed to allow yourself back then.

What you did for your son was a sacrifice to make him happy and keep his life normal. You did what you thought was right, and what worked at the time. It isnt strange, its what mothers do for the children they love.

You didnt do that because you wanted to be there with "him" but you did it to help your son have a happy life. Time for freewill to be happy too. Yes I know that when my abuser kicks it i will be happy. might not be the right way to feel but it is what it is.

Sometimes, there isnt justice. But we need to have faith that what goes around comes around. and he will get what he so deserves.

Strong hugs to you. even if this doesnt help.....im thinking of you

Colleen

[Cyran0]

free, you did what you had to do and you should be proud of yourself for that. But I agree with C, it's your time now. And while it hurts, you can get yourself back.

Cyran0

[Kiya]

...and yet - your son seems to know nothing of your struggle, is usurping your money and therapist when, as you said, he's an adult.
you're right - this does not seem like justice.
like colleen and cyrano, i think you were a good mom, and you put your kid before yourself - that is quite admirable. now it's your time.
and really, i think your happiness of some future death of the man that hurt you so much can be seperate from your son's future grief. You are always entitled to your feelings - even if you don't share them with your son... i, too, imagine one day i shall dance on my abuser's grave. it may not be the socially "right" response... but well deserved.
one of my littles just went through a memory and having read her hugs scribbly writing, i will dance with her.
take care, free.... find your enjoyment when and where you can. your son is an adult and now it is his own responsibility to find his.
hugs to you, kiya

[yung30]

I can relate to what you wrote so much! I have two children and have never seen a dollar for either of them yet I have had to deal with their fathers and do the same thing that you speak of........force a smile..It really does start to kill you inside....

[Peanuts]

You did what you felt was best to ensure a stable happy environment for your son. Your son is an adult now. You no longer need to Sacrifice your needs. Do not spend another birthday, holiday, dinner with your x. Explain to your son that you will be happy to have lunch/dinner with him to celebrate his birthday but that you will celebrate without his father in attendance. Period - end of story.

Your time is right now. Starting right now - take care of yourself by not putting yourself in a toxic environment and pretending that everything is OK.

Just explain to others that this is the way it will be. They might balk at first, but stand your ground and don't give in. Change is not easy but it is well past the time that you should be able to enjoy a holiday without your x in attendance.

all the best,

[Justgiving]

Your son is old enough to manage on his own with his father. Your son knows very well that his father has a life apart with his g/f.

Make your own way now. It will not make you less lovable in your son's eyes. He might even be happy for you.

You did good raising your son. It's your turn now.

[mountainstream]