Conflicted and upset

I don't know where to post this and I don't want to offend anyone because I'll be talking about God. Sorry but I have to put this in words and try to figure it out.
I am not angry with God. All my life he's given me strength to go on when I was at my lowest and was ready to give up. I have NEVER, until recently, allowed myself to need people. I have been disconnected from people because I thought I was bad and not human. I feared God because of my "badness" but also knew he was the only one with me when I was in the darkest places. I thought if only I could be good He would love me and make me real. Therapy has helped me to realize that I'm not bad (most of the time I believe this now) and has allowed me to start to connect with people.
Here's the problem and I don't know what to do. I'm upset and scared. I have been self destructive lately (eating disorder out of control) and cannot stop. My T is on vacation. I don't know what to do. I know if I would pray God would give me strength but I refuse to pray. I am afraid if I pray He'll give me strength but ask me to do more and I just can't. I know he doesn't give a person more than they can handle but right now I feel I can't handle anything and I'm so tired I don't want the strength. It terrifies me. I can't do it anymore. I can't go back to being strong and disconnected from people and I'm afraid that's what will happen if I connect with God again. I don't want to be alone. God can't hold you and he can't talk to you. It makes me angry. I don't want him to help me because then I won't need anyone anymore. I'd rather be sick than back to how I was--unreal and separated and seemingly strong and very functional. But if I don't ask for his help I am worried I will fall apart. I don't know what to do. Sorry to go on and on about something so weird.

(((((( kesa19 ))))))

sounds to me like you have a pretty strong belief in God. you can always rely on that. He'll always be there for you.

you seem to be attaching the way you dealt with things in the past - by being detached, etc. - to your connection with God.

you say "I can't do it anymore. I can't go back to being strong and disconnected from people and I'm afraid that's what will happen if I connect with God again. "

i really do not think it was your connection to God that made you disconnect from people. and the work you've done in therapy, etc. and the changes you've made in your life will not just disappear if you pray to God for strength.

in fact, God has been with you through all of your troubles. He's never left your side. He knows everything you've gone through. He knows what's in your heart.

you never have to fear that trusting in God and relying on God will hurt you. and just because you rely on God doesn't mean you can't rely on people as well.

God never asks us not to connect with other people! in fact, He encourages us to love our neighbor! and God does hold you and talk to you. He holds you through the people He puts in your life to hold you and He talks to you through the people He puts in your life to talk to you...maybe even me through this post?!

don't be afraid to pray. but if you are, tell God that! God is there to listen. and to love. He's there to provide comfort. praying doesn't mean all your problems will magically disappear. but prayer can lighten your load just a bit.

take care. and God bless!

Being able to cope and be "strong" depends not just on willpower but on knowledge and understanding of what is happening. Maybe while T is away you can find some reading material to help in understanding -- and people here who can help too.

Blue Roses and pachyderm
Am feeling a bit better after posting this yesterday and after reading your responses . Still ambivalent but feeling more hopeful.

You are right that God won't expect you to do more than you can. Trust Him. He will help you. Tell Him that right now you just need help, and that you need someone to hold you and talk to you. He can comfort you, and talk to you, but sometimes you do need someone you can feel and hear. Reaching out to us here is a step in that direction, but we are too far away to hold you and talk to you out loud too, even though we can "see" and "hear" each other through our posts. When you pray, maybe you can ask God to help you to connect to people. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

((((((( hugs )))))))))

Thank you Rapunzel
Trust, trust, trust...that's what I have to keep telling myself.

Kessa, Maybe their is a support group through a local church you could join. I went to a few sessions at my church. It was kind of like a 12 step program AA. Only it was for anyone struggling with problems. Give you an example go to www.evergreencc.com/ click on groups. I hope you can find something like this because their are all kinds of people who love God and struggle with problems.