Conflicted

I’m very conflicted with my T since our last session earlier this week and now I’m debating whether to go to my next session tomorrow. I actually want to drop therapy all together. I’m having a very bad week to begin with. I reached out to him on the phone but he wasn’t very supportive. Then in the session, he wasn’t supportive either. He is a professor and his students say he gets annoyed at questions. Well, at our session, he brought that annoyance with him. He didn’t have a lot of patience with me, and I felt him to be cold and distant. I’m really trying very hard to work on my trauma issues, he tells me so, but at our session his responses were condescending. I know some of you might be thinking that this might be transference, but it is not. I felt a hundred times worst after the session and a very intense anxiety attack afterwards. I couldn’t go to work today. I actually took off and left everything behind. I just want to be alone. I should be able to call him when I get this bad (I have in the past) but I don’t really want to talk to him. It’s the first time this happens after ten months of seeing him. I know Ts are human and that they have their bad days too. I’m normally numb but now I’m flooded with feelings and I find it to be very unmanageable, uncontrollable and scary. I can’t stop crying and feel out of control. Also, today happens to be my brother’s bday, he died only a few months ago. I don’t want to go to therapy tomorrow, I don’t want to feel worst than I already am and I feel like he has let me down. What ever happened to unconditional positive regard for the client? I hate that Ts have so much power over us. To go to therapy tomorrow I would have to go back home but I don’t want to. Running away feels good right now. I feel so alone and scared. I don’t even want to call to cancel. Do you guys think he knows he was like that with me during our last session? I kind of feel like no matter what happens in that room ,it’s always us.

(((((((((((((((((((((((( coconut64 )))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you had such a bad session, and were stuck with such bad feelings afterwards.

If this is the first time that this has happened in 10 months of therapy, maybe it would be helpful to go to your next session, and tell him how you felt? I have had a couple of very bad sessions with my T, and when I force myself to go to the next session and talk about it, it always improves and deepens the relationship. I love and trust my T very much, and I think ruptures, as bad as they felt at the time, were part of what brought me to this point of deep connection with him.

If you decide to go to the session, let us know how it goes.

Thanks EM, I apreciate your words. I don't know what I'm going to do yet.

I'm really sorry about this conflict... I agree with Earth-- it is a good idea to go to your session and process what happened. In the three years that I have been with my T, there have been 34,453,576,433 ruptures and misattunements (actually that may have just been this month, lol) that we have processed together in order to strengthen the relationship.

I am wondering, however, how you know what your T's students say about him?

Take care!

Coconut 64, I would go and confront him. If you have seen him for 10 months I think it is worth listening to what he says. He may just give you what you need. If not at least you tried.

Thanks Pink....to answer your question, I asked around on campus before I chose him as my T.

Thanks Missboots...I went to the session and told him but it didn't end well. I'm too upset right now.

((((((((((((coconut64))))))))))))))) At least you tried... I feel for you
Lily

Coco nut 64, Maybe you should get a Woman T. She may be just the gentle touch you need.