What am I experiencing and is this normal?

I am really trying to figure out what this "personality issue" is with me.

I grew up in a house with two alcoholic parents, both physcially and emotionally abusive.

I was pretty much in survival mode most of my childhood. There was no pattern I could ever figure out to stop from getting hit. I tried to be "good" but no behavior on my part resulted consitently in not getting hit. So I did whatever I could, lie, contort myself, anything I could just to survive.

The problem I have today as a 35 year old women is this behavior is killing my marriage. I don't even realize half the time I am doing it. I just say or do whatever I have to do to get out of the moment. This means I lie, make the wrong decisions. really bad stuff.

I don't even know who to be "normal" I don't know how to stand up for what I believe or want because I don't know what I want and I certainly am not brave enough to deal with the consequences. Trouble is I am making more trouble and creating a real mess.

Does anyone know what this is I am doing? Has anyone else experiences this? Gotten over this with therapy?

I really struggle with my therapists, most I find have so many of their own problems they interfere with mine. I just had to choose a new therapist recently and I am hoping to get an apt next week.

Any information is appreciated

I don’t have an answer to what it is that you are experiencing. I think when you are raised in such a harsh environment like that and these are your natural reaction to these situations. It will be really hard to change those reactions. I do think by you realizing that the way you react is wrong is a great start and a good therapist will help you change your reaction. I hope your husband is understanding to how you were brought up, and if he is, you have a good man.

And you are brave enough to deal with it, you're dealing with it now right? You are in control of you no one else.

Good luck and take care of yourself