[celtic.starlite]

So I had a therapy session today. We havent talked about the sexual abuse I endured growing up in several weeks. Today, my therapist wanted to talk about it. We were talking somewhat casual, and she asked, "so your dad was your only perpetrator growing up right? In your younger years at least."
Before I realized what I was saying, I answered, "he was the main one, yes."
She caught what I said and asked me who else hurt me sexually when I was young. I admitted to her that I think my mom may have but the memories are so spotty, that I don't know for sure.
I have never admitted this to anyone before and it is really causing me to have a hard night. On my way home from session, I wanted so badly to stop at the liquor store and pick up some bottles of something. I don't have the extra money, so I didn't stop. Once home, I found myself fighting the urges to cut, so far I have been able to fight them.

I am embarrassed and disgusted by how many people have assaulted me throughout my life. Now, I may have to add my mom to that list?

Life sucks.

[sweepy62]

Don't be I have several perpetrators my t knows but have not entered the talk phase yet in two weeks we start exposure therapy we start minimal and work our way up.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[celtic.starlite]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Don't be I have several perpetrators my t knows but have not entered the talk phase yet in two weeks we start exposure therapy we start minimal and work our way up.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It is hard not to be embarrassed and/or disgusted. Before I started with this therapist I didn't even realize how much the sexual abuse affected me. I thought the physical, verbal, and emotional abuse affected me more. Now, I am learning just how much this crap is affecting me. Before this therapist, I never realized how many people assaulted me throughout my life, now, I know it is more than you can count on both hands! :-(

[nicoleflynn]

You shouldn't be embarrassed (I know you feel that way); you did nothing wrong. The shame and blame belong to the abusers. Knowing the difference between "our" stuff and "their" stuff is a big key.

[celtic.starlite]

Not in a good place at all today.

[tinyrabbit]

I'm sorry you're in a bad place and sorry for what happened to you. It was NOT your fault and you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about. The feelings you're having shouldn't have been yours, they've been pushed onto you by the people who hurt you. I'm so sorry.

[celtic.starlite]

Still not in a good place. Thank you all for your replies.
Isolated myself last night. This community was the only place I went online last night. I am not sure what to think because I emailed my therapist yesterday and told her where my mind was but I haven't received a reply. I really like her, but it would have possibly helped to feel like someone actually cared if she would have replied. Oh well, story of my life: nobody cares.

[ThisWayOut]

how are things today? have you gotten in touch with your therapist since the email? would calling her help? I know my T will not respond to anything I write unless I call her and ask her to read it and respond to me. I think even if I wrote that I was being unsafe, the most she would do is call the police because we are working on me being able to directly ask for what I need. Some T's don't check email as often, or have a policy of not replying to them but will reply to a phone call.

I'm sorry also that your list seems to keep growing. I found that was true for myself also. I refused to acknowledge the abuse for many, many years. It was only withint the last 3 years that I started to admit to parts of it. More has been unravelling since then. I've found that some stuff happens to this day, but because of the stuff I grew up with, I never gave it a second-thought. I was casually telling my T some stuff that happened recently and she was caught off gaurd that I did not see it as violation. It's pretty crappy how childhood abuses can carry through the rest of your life, and can mess up your perceptions of normal for so long afterwards...
I hope you are able to find some support from someone, be it your T or here, or someone else.

[celtic.starlite]

Hello,

I'm sorry, I checked in on my thread on the SI board but didn't think about checking in here.
Things were better yesterday, the urges were still there but nowhere near as strong. So far this morning the urges are stronger than yesterday but not as strong as before.

My T did respond to the email. Around here, T's don't give out their phone numbers, everything is done through email and if you want to talk via phone you have to ask them to call you in an email. If it is during office hours you can call and leave a voicemail asking them to call you back. I, too, have caught my T off guard because I don't realize some things.

Thank you for checking in on me, I appreciate it!

[ThisWayOut]

I'm glad you got a response from your T. I hope it was helpful.
I'm also glad the urges are quieting a bit.

[celtic.starlite]

TRIGGER warning .....

My dad has never wanted anything to do with me except beat me, verbally/emotionally abuse me, and for his pleasure. Once I was out of his house, as soon as I turned 18, he really had nothing to do with me. I would only see him at family get-togethers. He has always been involved with my siblings' lives, it was only me that he has chosen to ignore.

Those of you who have read either of my two threads I have going right now know I have not been in a good place. Yesterday and today I have been starting to feel better.

In the last hour I have received 10 texts from my dad. I'm trying not to spiral downhill right now. I don't need him contacting me when I am in the mindframe I'm in. I have not replied, which is a big step for me because I always feel I have to reply. I hope he doesn't call me. I cant hear his voice right now. I know I'm a bad daughter. I don't want to hear the crap he will say to me. I know he will end the conversation with "I love you." Then I will feel dirty and I just don't need this right now.

[ThisWayOut]

please definitely don;t answer his call if he does do that. You are correct that you do not need that. I am soryr he put you through all that. It is perfectly ok to cut him out of your life. Can you block his calls and texts? I recently did that with my dad's numbers. It helps a lot. Everythign goes to vm and I just delete it witout listening. I think it was a setting on my phone. I have to keep him in my contacts, but there is a setting that will block his numbers from coming through.
Good luck and try to stay safe...

[celtic.starlite]

I have to answer if he calls. My grandma, his mom, is fighting cancer and has refused all treatments. If she passes my phone call will be from him. I don't know how to automatically block calls or texts.

I hate that I give him so much power over me but I don't know how not to.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry that you cannot escape him right now. Would you feel comfortable blocking his calls and having someone else listen to any message he may leave? On my android phone, I went into the specific contact I wanted to block, pulled up the menu, and blocking the calls was an option there. He goes right to vm and I don't have to deal with him if I don't want to.
I've found that pulling away from abusive and toxic family is difficult. I have a really hard time with others in my family disapproving of the break even though they know the extent of his abuse. I'm sorry Also about dealing with the impending loss of your grandma (hugs)

[celtic.starlite]

I don't know. It is scary.