[sabby]

I divorced the abusive, alcoholic sperm donor of a first husband. While I think I did a really great job at healing and growing from the experience, when I was on holiday last month, something happened that absolutely stopped me in my tracks and brought me right back to the gut-wrenching physical feelings of being around someone so very angry.

My friends had a cookout and there were many folks there. We were all enjoying a beautiful sunny and warm day with good food, good drink and good company.

All of a sudden, one of the family members bolted out of his chair, ran to the road and began chasing two younger lads down the road, while screaming and yelling at them.

This whole scenario took me by such surprise and my stomach just turned and turned, my heart started racing and I was totally frozen in my chair and in my mind....but in my mind I was frozen back in time to when I was married to the abuser. The anger that this guy had that was chasing the young men was something I hadn't seen or dealt with in so many years.

Now, I'm not saying that this guy didn't have a right to be angry with them or to yell what he did. That is not the point of my post. What I am saying is that I really thought I had worked through the feelings of fear and anxiety I had once felt by being yelled at, chased, hit and degraded in front of family and friends. Now, I'm wondering if I really ever did work through it all or if this was just a quick response to a specific stimuli from the past and I'll always have that kind of reaction?

I did recover from it fairly quickly. I was able to catch my breathe and do self talk and bring myself back to the present and remind myself that it was not me this guy was going after or showing his anger to. But goodness gracious....I think about it now and I can still feel my stomach tightening.

All I can say is, I really hope that kind of scenario doesn't happen again around me. It did not feel good at all and I wasn't even the recipient.

[ginniesky]

that had to have been difficult ..... safe and gentile hugs if you want them

((((( Sabby )))))
Hope you're feeling better now.

[sabby]

Thank you very much (((((((((((( ginniesky )))))))))))))

Hugs from you are always accepted and appreciated!


sabby

[sabby]

Dear ((((((((((( griffe )))))))))))))

Yes, I am feeling better now....and you helped! Thank you very much for that help


sabby

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((((sabby))))))

Sabby I can understand those kinds of feelings that can come upon you quickly as something you once lived in. I can remember my father or stepfather, or even mother or stepmother screaming. It is scary. It is a part of PTSD that hits you and can come and go at any time. Sometimes it can go away faster than other times, espeacilly if you have worked on it and it is triggered for the moment and then takes a few breaths to go back.

I am sorry it happened to you but I am glad that you were able to bring yourself back and use your tools and good self talk. You may always have that sudden grab your stomach feeling to a point because that was a very hard thing for you to have to go through. It was a very scary thing. But you are a strong woman, who speaks her truth. Someone I am SO PROUD to call MY FRIEND--MY SISTER.

dps

[Christina86]

(((((((((((sabby))))))))))))))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
What I am saying is that I really thought I had worked through the feelings of fear and anxiety I had once felt by being yelled at, chased, hit and degraded in front of family and friends. Now, I'm wondering if I really ever did work through it all or if this was just a quick response to a specific stimuli from the past and I'll always have that kind of reaction?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes. It's amazing what our minds do for us, and what our minds can do TO us. Even if you work through things in therapy... I don't know if we can ever get back to the previous point where we weren't suffering because of someone else's actions. I don't know if you can undo the damage that is done emotionally to yourself. Maybe it is possible, and I pray it is because everyone deserves healing (and nobody deserves to be treated unfairly in any way) ... but I still think a startle reflex where you're drawn temporarily back into the past is fairly normal.



(PS. I can honestly say that I've reacted badly to present situations and events because they triggered memories of past events... and this is a really poor example because it's not that traumatizing... but I was hit on last week. By a guy in his 50s or 60s. I'm 22. He reminded me of my stepdad, which is NOT good. I freak out, and apparently I didn't know what was bothering me so much until I examined the situation later in my mind. Needless to say, totallllllly ruined my night because I was a triggered mess).

[sabby]

Thank you for responding ((((((((((((((((((((((((( dps )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Yep, I knew you would understand what I'm talking about. Boy doesn't it just stink??? I think this shook me more than it has in the past because it was such a strong reaction. One I had not had since I lived in those days. I have had small reactions in the past to certain things, but not to the degree of this last one. Strange why this one would grip me more than others have. Maybe because it was so split second and there was no clues that this could happen that could have prepared me before hand.

During other times of a PTSD moment, I knew the individual and knew of their personality and had seen certain things from them that let me know they were capable of yelling and swearing (not necessarily at me, but at "things"). As an example, the sperm donor used to get absolutely bull**** when working on a car. He would have a hissy fit by swearing and yelling, throwing things then blaming me for whatever reason...(yep it was always my fault). Now, when I've been around other men who were working on cars, if they got frustrated and began yelling about it (not at me, just at the situation) I would always feel my stomach tighten but I could get up and walk away from it and nothing more would come of it. I was somewhat prepared just by the nature of the situation.

With this situation...it just happened in a split second, no warning, no idea what this man was capable of....so I think that's why the incident hit me so hard.

Thank you my friend...my sis for all your love and support. You mean the world to me!


sabby

[sabby]

((((((((((((( Christina )))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you had the kind of incident that brought you such a reaction. But I'm glad you were able to figure out what the trigger was and you could work with it from there. Still doesn't feel good though

I never did work this through in therapy. The only times I've had therapy are for specific situational depressive states where I was dealing with family members mostly...not the ex, but aunts/uncles/brother/cousin type thingys. Pretty much anything to do with the sperm donor, I have worked on by myself through introspect, reading, self talk etc etc etc. So, now I'm wondering, should I work on this in therapy??? I'm not sure....it's not that I was brought down for long with this last moment, I was able to work through it pretty quickly, to the point that no one around me noticed or knew what I was going through or how it affected me. Maybe that's all I'll ever be able to do with it when it hits....maybe I've healed as much as my mind will allow and this kind of thing will always be a possibility?

In the grand scheme of things....it's not something that happens daily, or weekly or monthly. It may be once a year or once every couple of years. It's not something that ruins my life....or interferes with it for more than a few minutes. I think I can deal with that.

Thanks hon for your reply....it has helped a lot and given me something to think about!


sabby

((sabby))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am so sorry this happened to you.
Its such a shocking thing when it brings it all back and you freeze.
Brings back all the sounds and memories.
Bacically puts you in shock mode
no its not a good feeling at all
My friend as you know i have been abused before.
Something i have a hard time talking about.
Just like you and so many others...
I do the sorta the same thing. Except I want to shrink to nothing.....
Just want it to stop....
if that make sense.

[sabby]

((((((((((((( muffy )))))))))))))))))

One of the things I didn't do when I was living in the abusive life was to shrink away. I stood up to it...at every turn. In my mind, I believed that if I could do that, then I wasn't a victim. How wrong I was....how foolish I was to believe that.

I suppose in one way, standing up to the abuse taught me some strength. It may not have been taught/learned in the proper way, but some strength was better than none.

I think I'm beginning to realize also that no matter how much I've worked through the abuse, no matter how much I've grown and learned, forgiven myself and the sperm donor, the feelings of fear and dread will always be a part of me. Even though I have tried to suppress them, they are there waiting to show themselves..............................................................................

I'm sorry you had to suffer muffy....but at the same time, I'm grateful that you and others understand how I feel and what I'm going through. Thank you for reaching out and offering your care and understanding!


sabby