[Kiya]

One of my most notorious trouble (animal) alters has been doing a LOT of processing lately and this is from last night...

I keep looking at this picture that has been painted out – that was a flash through my mind, but one I didn’t know how it could be real. But I painted it out and it is of me with cat ears and cat eyes, wearing black, bound with my hands tied above my head and tied to a rope to the ceiling. I am on my knees and there are spiders around. I have no emotion when I look at this picture. None. It is like it is of some alien. I always have emotional attachment to everything I paint... but this. And I am TERRIFIED of spiders, can't even read the word and if there is a picture, i drop it - but there are spiders in this, and i feel completely empty, blank.

When I asked if this could possibly be real, I heard quiet, but clear YES somewhere back behind my left ear, where true answers always seem to come from over the years. I said this just can’t be true. YES. I didn’t know where or when it could be from and heard the name in the same quiet clear voice, *******. And images of him; my friend’s dad. They were our only neighbor in **. We lived in the middle of nowhere and they lived a mile away – we couldn’t even see them. They were the closest to us of anyone. We were moved there very young. ****** was the girl and she was terribly mean to me. She tried to always push me off the top of the monkey bars (at my house) and ran me off the road on our bikes so I always fell. I spent the night over at her house sometimes. She took me out in the middle of the night one night – I don’t even remember why – barefoot and I got stuck with cactus. Her dad who I never trusted kept trying to trick me into yanking it out. “I just want to look at it” he’d say, then make a grab for it. I hissed at him and swiped at him. I finally pulled it out myself 2 hours later.
I sucked my thumb back then and he threatened to haul me off to the wood stump and chop it off with his ax if he ever saw it in my mouth again (I seem to remember hearing this a few times). They took me to their church and I heard the creation story (for the first time) I asked who made God and the teacher broke down crying (I don’t remember, mom told me all this part), called me the Antichrist and kicked me out of that church. The mom ******* called me a heathen all the time and said I was a bad influence and needed to be cured of the devil. I was always in trouble there.
I know they had an attic that was unfinished (mom tells me they built an entire new floor) – the girl took me up there and I remember I was scared to go there – but she bullied me into it. She was also very mean to her little sister and tried to get me to be mean too or encourage me to take things back from her that she had taken from me (like play dough) and then I’d get in trouble for it. I told her mom that my mom’s favorite word was S*** and got in trouble for that and also for trying to catch a lizard for the mom who was standing on a chair screaming – but I caught only the tail and the lizard left and trailed blood. I was made to clean the blood and was reminded that I am a heathen (something she told me often) and of the devil and that I did that on purpose. The mom often called our house with bizarre stories about people being in her house and how her own husband was having an affair with her mother who was 87..., and her dad and my dad were often at meetings together for those pyramid sales programs – I always avoided him at these, he scared me half to death. If he was in one room, I’d not go in there. I am still working on when my spider phobia developed, and also becoming terrified of the dark. I don’t know if the picture has light or not.
I told mom about this and showed her the picture. She said she tried to not have me go over there whenever she could come up with an excuse to keep me home. Evidently, even though I was the antichrist, they still wanted to take me to church to cure me and mom didn’t want me with them… but I have a pattern of wanting to be with people who are bad for me; a kid who beat me all the time, this girl from this crazy household, this scary lady in ** who wanted me to stay nights and weekends with her, the 4th grade teacher who was incredibly mean to me and paddled trouble kids with a big paddle board that hung on the wall, a girl and her brother in ** (who’s dad was drugged and ***** us all), the abusive guy I dated. It is like once I know them, I feel *terribly* guilty to leave them and will return to them again and again.

[iamtwilight]

(((kiya))) sorry you've been put through that. i've always been terrified of spiders and insects all my life too. tiny bugs are ok.. rather cute too. but the bigger ones... ugh...

ahhh i wanted to say something more but couldn't. sorry - some parts of your story kinda hit home. but don't feel bad about it, i chose to come here and i knew about the trigger. i'm ok but i just can't put what i want to say into proper words. sorry.


twilight

[Kiya]

(((((((((((twilight)))))))))))) thanks.... hope you are ok.

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))))

I read your post. I am sorry for all you've been through. You do not deserve to be hurt.
Sending safe and gentle if you want them,
ktgirl

[Kiya]

Thank you ktgirl, hugs are nice =)
****and hugs back****

Originally Posted by ktgirl

(((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))))

I read your post. I am sorry for all you've been through. You do not deserve to be hurt.
Sending safe and gentle if you want them,
ktgirl

[Kiya]

feelin bad.... down... like an abyss is opening beneath my feet very slowly and by the time i will know to move, it will be too late....

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))

I'm sorry things are so bad for you right now! I am hear to listen if you need to talk.
hang in there......it will get better.....
ktgirl

[Kiya]

thank you ktgirl... i am in and out- mostly confused. i guess just "staying in process" as t says. but right now it seems like a void where i am in a blah landscape with no meaning. thank you again for the offer... there's just no words right now....

[Typo]

((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))


We are always here for you, sitting with you, here to catch you

[bchlyn]

hugs...kiya

[MINIME]

Kiya...I heard you. i dont know what else to say. I heard you and I am on your side.

[pachyderm]

Hugs, Kiya. The anti-christ, eh? Somehow I doubt it.

My mother also hated to see any of us children with a thumb in the mouth. She would jerk it out. She hated any expression of fear and needing comfort and "weakness". Guess it reminded her too much of her own feelings...

[Kiya]

(((((((((((Silver, Lyn, Minime, Pachy))))))))))
thanks.
I *Finally* got to bring this into T tonight. I don't know what I expected... lights to go on, trumpets to sound, pieces to make sense.... I had as much disconnect, confusion, and bafflement tonight as i did the night this came to light... There are a lot of things that "fit" with this being possible. The hands, arms, and legs/feet going numb and to sleep and having pain for no medical reason (have been gettine worse every year), how they ran their household and felt they had to "get the devil out of me".... lots of things. but still, i was like "can this really have happened? this being tied up and left? alone? with spiders?" i kept asking T where this image came from. She said for me to just let it be, be open to it, know that i process a lot, and that often more information comes to me later, and over time. hmmmmm.... and my shoulder joints have been malfunctioning for years, as has my wrist. More pieces? or a very active imagination?
THere i go again dismissing my body signals, and the fact of the DID/MPD dx. Easier to believe i am crazy than it is to acknowledge these events as real.

[chaotic13]

Kiya,

I found your comments here very scary. (((Kiya))) I think what stuck me was how similar it is to something I experience last weekend. Only luckily for me, I only tapped in what seemed like an audio recording, not a visual one. I have spent the last week trying to figure out if it might be associated with a real event or just ****ed up thinking. Like what you've described, there is evidence to suggest that it could be real, but I don't really REMEMBER! That bothers me a lot. I don't want to bring this to therapy is it is just noise.

[Kiya]

((((((((((((Chaotic)))))))))))
T said for me to just be open to it. that more will come when it was ready. sure enough, i had a nightmare on this the next day. it IS scary. but, it is one more boulder i am getting around that was in my way.
hoping you are ok out there.

[chaotic13]

(((Kiya)))

[multipixie9]

(((Kiya)))

there are many things that happen to children that are so evil and ugly that our minds ache to deny them. we just don't want to believe that anyone could be so cruel and twisted toward small children. it is a sign of basic health in us that we know it is wrong and we are terrified of it.

i've been told our minds do not begin to bring up or release information to us until we are stronger and can begin to deal with it and get healing. the good coming out of bad.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by multipixie9

i've been told our minds do not begin to bring up or release information to us until we are stronger and can begin to deal with it and get healing. the good coming out of bad.

Yes, i have heard that also. and most the time i do believe it
it just.... shouldn't have to hurt this bad. one would think that "being ready" for it, it wouln't hurt. i associate pain (as many do i am sure) with bad. it if is hurting THIS MUCH it just can't be good. but maybe that is a perspective i need to work with.
thanks.
((((((Multipixie)))))))